Horrorscope of the Stars

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

The Westmoreland News, June 2 1994

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This is a good time for business dealings.  Buy things which will make money.  Don’t buy things which won’t make money.  Avoid Scorpios and foods with lots of saturated fats.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Your name may or may not be Edgar.  If it is, you’re in big trouble.  If it isn’t, then don’t worry about it.  Don’t watch too much TV this week: it’s bad for your eyes.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Avoid starchy foods.  You will soon meet a tall, handsome stranger who will mug you and take all your money.  

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): This is a time for reconciling with loved ones who you care about, but have fought with.  If you don’t care about them, then to hell with them.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Your star is in an unusual position.  This probably means that you will buy either a Village People album or the “Shaft’s Big Score” soundtrack in the next few days.  And then you will feel stupid for having bought them.  Or maybe it doesn’t mean that.  I really don’t know.  And, in fact, I’m not a Pisces, so I couldn’t care less.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): If your name is George and you’re curious, beware the man in the yellow hat.  Also, remember: there may still be pieces of Skylab floating around out there.  Be sure to floss frequently or tartar build-up may occur.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): If you see a large, green, scaly monster with huge, hideous teeth and fangs this week, don’t go near it.  It will probably eat you.  This is also a good time for investing, unless, of course, you go near the monster, in which case it won’t be a good time for anything.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Romance is entering your life this week in the form of a flashy stranger.  Don’t get too excited, because it is also exiting your life a couple days later.  Renew your expensive magazine subscriptions this week, but give them somebody else’s address.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): If somebody offers you fifty bucks this week, take it.  If somebody offers you a moldy old banana, don’t take it, because it will probably make you sick and die, which is bad luck.  Your decision to pursue a career as a human minesweeper may not work out as well as you hoped.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Be careful with your health this week.  This is a bad time for business dealings with Libras or space aliens.  Don’t forget to water your lawn.  Remember that you can save money by calling collect and sticking your loved ones with the bill.  You are lucky this week: your chances of winning the Virginia State Lottery are merely 1 in 6.3 million, down from 7.1 million last week.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Don’t smoke.  It’s bad for you.