By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar
Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This is a good week for something, but now I don’t remember what it was. Sorry.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Let me put it this way: somebody up there can’t stand you. Also, this would be a good week to quit smoking, because I’m quitting smoking this week and I want somebody else to be as miserable as I am.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): This week you will reach your highest intellectual peak as you think of a revolutionary new process for printing by putting moveable type on to a reusable printing press. Then you will realize that Gutenberg thought of that already, about 400 years ago, and feel really silly. But it’s the thought that counts.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Don’t be afraid to stand up for what’s yours this week. Unless you don’t want it, in which case you’d better sit down before anybody realizes it’s yours.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Pisces women: avoid Taurus men this week: they are lazy, crude, insensitive, and have one-track-I’m-interested-in-just-one-thing-baby-and-I’m-not-talking-about-Yahtzee minds. Then again, so do all men. Go figure.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Would you like to get a degree at home? Refrigeration technology? Gun repair? TV or VCR repair? Well, tough luck. But you can order the do-it-yourself Astrologer kit from the Westmoreland News. In twenty-six short weeks, you too can be a fully accredited astrologer, just like the Mysterious Professor Zoltan. Just send lots and lots of money to:
Mysterious Professor Zoltan
c/o The Westmoreland News
Montross, VA. 22520
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): This week you should do some things. You should also not do other things. There are also things which you might or might not do, and these things may or may not be lucky depending upon what you did in the first place. I can’t tell you any more without spoiling the whole thing.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Earnlay a ewnay anguagelay isthay eekway.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): This week you will be contacted by space aliens who will take you to a faraway planet and show you the mysteries of the universe. You will also be contacted by illegal aliens who will take you to a faraway alley and steal your wallet.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Da – dah-da-dah-dah-da – dum -da-dah … the aaaage of Aquaaariiuuuuuuus!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): It may not be anything serious, but you do look kinda pale.