By Jeffrey Carl and Paul Caputo
This was a “Siskel & Ebert” column. I think we both wrote each other’s part, although I remember Paul came up with “Awww puddin'” bit and I wrote that “Raising Arizona” was the greatest movie ever. Not that this likely makes things any funnier, but the “Ticket Lady” was the University of Richmond’s none too beloved parking enforcement cop, Corrie Spiegel was our boss at the newspaper and “Freedom Betrayed” was a serious and dogmatically libertarian Collegian column written by our colleague Mike Nimchek. I’m sure this is totally hilarious now that you know that.
with Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert
Gene and I have had some time on our hands, if you know what I mean, and we’ve gotten to reviewing everything we can get our hands on, if you catch my drift. Instead of presenting you with the list of new euphemisms for sex we’ve been working on (thumbs up to “Quarter Pounder at the Golden Arches” and “Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln”), we’ve decided to give you our most recent observations about movies, the universe and everything.
“STAR TREK: GENERATIONS”:
EBERT: I’m the fat guy, right?
SISKEL: Fatter than Roseanne in a bikini.
EBERT: Gene, I fear change. I like knowing that I can go to the movie theater and see the same plot that I have come to know and love from the past six movies. I enjoyed the way the Star Trek geniuses took new characters and still did not change the plot at all.
SISKEL: But if you look at all this in a neo-deconstructivist way, you can see that all the things blowing up are cool. And anytime William Shatner dies — I was always secretly hoping it would happen on “T. J. Hooker” — it’s cool with me. I give it a “Thumb Up.”
EBERT: I give it a “Thumb at About 70 Degrees Clockwise.”
“SPEED”:
EBERT: OK, look. If a bus drives off the edge of a cliff, it’s not going to go UP in the air.
SISKEL: Right. When Keanu “What was my line again” Reeves drove that bus off the edge of an unfinished bridge, it should have crashed into the other side where the road picked up again and everybody should have died.
EBERT: Movie over.
SISKEL: Bus go bye-bye.
“THE JERK”:
EBERT: Easily the best movie ever. Hands down. Anyone says otherwise, I’ll kick his ever-loving ass.
SISKEL: Kick away, Non-Fat-Free Pretzel Boy. “Raising Arizona” was the finest film ever created, and anyone who says otherwise, well — when the Revolution comes, THEY WILL NOT BE SPARED. But I still give it a big ‘ol “Thumbs Up.”
EBERT: I give it a “Thumbs Up and Sucking on It.”
JIM CARREY:
EBERT: If you look at his work from a purely cinematic and technical point, he’s not exactly the greatest. But if you look at it from just a gut-level, fun-loving reaction … Well, he can just pretty much still lick my ass. I say “Thumbs Down and Pressing the Button of an Atomic Rocket Launcher to Kill Him.”
SISKEL: Oh, sure, fat-ass, you can say that because you’ve never been in a movie. I’d like to see Jim Carrey do a review of you. THAT would be funny. He’d put on one of little faces and he’d imitate you. He’d jump up and down and wiggle his fake fat butt and I’d laugh and laugh and laugh, until I couldn’t breathe, just thinking of Jim Carrey making fun of you. And maybe he’d put on a bikini, like he was making fun of Roseanne and you AT THE SAME TIME. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I give Jim Carrey the “Cool, Suave Peace Sign.”
EDITOR/SUPERMODEL CORRIE SPIEGEL:
EBERT: I understand that evil WDCE General Manager James O. Bryant won a no-expenses paid dream date with Corrie by being the only person to enter his name in a Collegian contest. I also understand that she refuses to go on it. I give Corrie a “Thumbs Up,” but only if she’s in a little French maid outfit.
SISKEL: Have you ever seen her in The Collegian swimsuit calendar? My goodness! I give her a “Wink and a Nudge.”
THE TICKET LADY AND HER NEW PARTNER TICKET BOY:
SISKEL: I think they’re cute together.
EBERT: What if they started a family of ticket people.
SISKEL: Awww puddin’.
EBERT: Anyway, we hate the both of them.
SISKEL: Yup. I say we follow them around and mark their tires with chalk whenever they stop to give other people tickets.
EBERT: We give the lovely ticket couple “The Finger” and $10 fines for spending too much time in our column.
RAIN:
SISKEL: OK, look. I have a serious problem with all this rain. The University of Richmond has somehow figured out a way to funnel all of the water that comes near campus directly to enormous puddles on either side of the commons. For its dealings with the rain, I give the University a “Hard Boot to the Head.”
EBERT: I like the rain. I think it’s romantic. I like the way the flower petals glisten in the moonlight after a daylong drizzle. It’s like God is tinkling on everybody. To think He cares. I give the rain a “Girly Wistful Sigh.”
EVIL:
SISKEL: I like evil. It’s got moxie! It’s got a funky beat, and I can really bug out to it.
EBERT: Gene, you couldn’t be dumber. I mean, I’ve seen dumb before – my dog, he was dumb, you could throw his squeegy toy onto the newly-waxed kitchen floor and he would go running after it, four legs flailing helplessly as he skidded on his nose and crashed into the stove. That was dumb, and funny. But you, Gene, you really take the cake. Obviously, evil is bad. That’s why it’s called EVIL, dumbass. I give evil the old “Thumbs Down.”
SISKEL: Roger, when my people come from the stars to enslave this puny planet, you will serve as food for the Giant Slave Worms of Kodos. So I give Evil a “Thumbs Up.”
“FREEDOM BETRAYED”:
EBERT: Umm …
SISKEL: Uh, yeah. Well, I … thought the … intellectual … renoberization … of Descartes’ second theorem was … it has a cool logo, though.
EBERT: Yeah, the logo …
SISKEL: Let’s be honest, Roger. Damned if I’ve ever finished it. At least with Scott Shepard you could just hate him without having to read it. This Num-Chuks guy … I dunno. “Thumbs Down” all around.
EBERT: Where have you gone, Mike Sampogna, the paper turns its lonely eyes to you.
SISKEL: Woo woo woo.
THE YEARBOOK:
EBERT: I give the yearbook a big fat thumb up your…
SISKEL: OK, moving right along!
JASON ROOP:
SISKEL: No two ways about it, “Roop, There It Is” — in German, “Roop Macht Frei” — will go down as one of the all-time great RCSGA election battle cries. I give Jason a cheesy A-OK sign.
EBERT: I agree. He’s so pudgy and cute. I give Jason a fat, wet lick on the cheek.
ROOP: Oh, you guys are so wacky!
Ha ha ha, that we are. Happy holidays from the whole gang, all both of us. And don’t try this at home. You never know where your thumb’s been.