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May 29, 1999 - In a sweeping deal announced today, the guiding lights of the "open source" software movement accepted corporate endorsements, ranging from the new "Big K KDE" to "the Kernel's Chicken."
"I cherish the contributions we have been able to make over the past twenty years towards creating free and open software systems," said the Free Software Foundation's Richard Stallman. "Devoting our time and efforts to create free software has been a worthy cause. On the other hand, I'm just dying for a new Porsche."
The creator of the Linux operating system, Linus Torvalds, announced that Linux would now be incorporating a number of corporate sponsorship deals. Torvalds declared that KFC would now be the official fast food restaurant of the OS, and encouraged all Linux users to go eat "the Kernel's Chicken." Torvalds also announced that a deal with a long distance phone provider would result in the renaming of all Linux kernels, beginning with the forthcoming kernel 10-10-321-2.3.2 (which will be modified to run on top of the new Gillette Mach microkernel). Some files and software packages have been renamed according to new sponsorships, including the /etc/rccola.d directory, the /usrobotics directory, the pine-sol mail reader, the vi-agra editor, and PSInet.d.
Stallman announced that the FSF had engaged in several sponsorships which would result in the renaming of their Unix utilities. A deal with the U.S. Postal Service resulted in the renamed uspsls, a deal with Universal Pictures has resulted in chmodsquad, McDonald's has sponsored the new "Big Emacs," a cigarette endorsement will support the new marlboro-has-less-tar, and a sponsorship deal from Duncan-Hines has resulted in the renaming of gmake to gbake. "I can't wait for our users to get a chance to run commands like 'gbake clean'," Stallman said. "Because clean, easy baking is what the good folks at Duncan-Hines are all about. Did I mention I got a Porsche?" The GNU "gnu" mascot is also being replaced by the Energizer Bunny, except it has horns.
A number of other open-source projects have accepted new corporate sponsors, including K-Mart's "Big K KDE," the new "FedExFree86," "Chi Chi's Samba," "CVS cvs," "Sylvania Enlightenment," and "Gold Bond Medicated Powder Apache." Currently, the only three open-source projects without a corporate sponsor are YACC, the GIMP and MAME. "I think there must be something about their names which is unappealing," said Stallman.
Stallman said that the deals came about after an epiphany he experienced. "One day, I was removing all of the words on the GNU site that anyone had included as part of a trademarked slogan, and all of the graphics that had been created with commercial software. Suddenly, I realized that all that was left of the site was one Lynx-compatible page with only the words 'no GIFs due to patent problems.' I realized that I was a hippie who had written some badass software, and should probably get with the '90s and cash in." Stallman added, "For crying out loud, John Carmack has, like, 60 Ferraris."
Bob Young, president of Stetson Red Hat Software, said that the sponsorships they have concluded will have positive effects for users: "We'll be able to provide much more sophisticated software, like the new Sprint glint, NBC's must-see-nntp, and AOL's new youve-got-sendmail. Plus, who can argue with pppd including 20 free hours with Prodigy?"
By way of explanation, open-source luminary Eric Raymond said, "The open source movement has done some great work for free in the past. However, we're sick of living on Twinkies and Ramen noodles, and it's high time that we enjoy the finer things in life. Like the MiG-25 I just bought." Raymond and fellow open-sourcer Bruce Perens have also signed for a lucrative Las Vegas fight appearance with promoter Don King.
On a similar note, Torvald's employer announced that it had been acquired and would now be known as TransAmerica Mutual Life Meta. "Under our new owners, I'm free to talk about what we were working on," said Torvalds. "Actually, we were just coming up with delicious new daiquri recipes the whole time."
"I prefer not to think of it as selling out," said Torvalds, "but rather as 'buying in.'" Added Raymond, "I think it's time for some free beer."