The University of Richmond Collegian 11/17/94

Staff Editorial

by Jeffrey Carl, Opinion Editor

What We Think

an Opinion from the Collegian Staff

“Freedom Betrayed”

America today faces a grim tide of tyranny which threatens to condemn us all to a vain and pitiful existence. Each day, the minions of this evil concept stretch their tendrils out deftly, destroying our freedoms and leaving only a subtle “thump” in their wake.

The tyranny of speed bumps is a sadly growing story: each day it seems that they, like rabbits or evil alien body-snatcher type things, have multiplied and encroached into our lives even further – now, even on our own campus. Another day, another speed bump, it seems.

Some nefarious force – perhaps the trustees have been replaced by alien speed-bump loving drones, perhaps there are roving gangs of construction crews who just like doing this stuff for “kicks” – has conspired to litter the campus with these little monsters.

The God-given right of every American to drive like a bat out of hell around his or her own living area is being sapped by these little minions of Hell. You have to slow down, brace for the little th-thump, th-thump, spill your Mountain Dew all over yourself and then continue on until the next one of these little satanic molehills of the highway system rises up to ensnare you.

Speed bumps are simply the next piece in the puzzle of International Fascism. Well, okay, they aren’t, but they sure are irritating.

These little barricades of doom don’t really serve any purpose except to be irritating. And just how fast do they expect us to drive around here that they really need speed bumps? Are they for all those Subarus cutting Mach 2 in front of the library? Or are they there to stop rollerbladers from catching some speed downhill and making the jump to light speed, thereby evading the Imperial Star Destroyers chasing them? We think not.

What’s next? Campus turnpikes? Will the Ticket Lady come armed with a grenade launcher? Will Collegian editorials be funny? These furtive signs of the Apocalypse mount daily.

The message is clear: fight the vile tide of speed bumps. Life is too short to slow down.