1995 Review: Shame Ahoy!
by Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl
Hi. We are “Jeff and Paul.” Just like famed magicians “Siegfried
and Roy,” except we don’t do magic tricks, we don’t have any
huge invisible tigers and we aren’t gay.
Well,
1995 is over, except for those of you still on Daylight Savings Time.
It’s time to dump Old Man ‘95 in the Matlock Memorial Nursing Home
of Time and pluck Baby ‘96 from the Stroller of Hope. But before we move
on to 1996 (“The Year of the Poodle”), it’s time to reflect
upon 1995 (“The Year of Lots of Fish.”) History will certainly remember 1995 as having been
“after 1994, and before 1996.” And that’s important. Unless you’re on Daylight Savings Time, in which case
1995 comes after 316 B.C., and in the Mountain Time Zone there are 36 days in
October.
It
is said that “Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it,
unless they bribe, sleep with, or shoot their teacher.” Well, there are no bribes for the Great
Teacher of Time, who calls the Roll of History, assigns the Homework of
Experience, gives the Detention of Global Warming, gets sick and is replaced by
the Substitue Teacher of Unregulated Interstate Commerce, and is sometimes
Drunk in Class, which results in Leap Years and the weather formation known as
“El Niño.”
We
must study the mistakes of 1995, like the government shutdowns and Waterworld (also known as “Fishtar”), if we are to avoid repeating them. We gaze
back upon the Major Events of 1995, and wonder, “Where did the time
go? What the Hell was I thinking? Was I drunk
or something? And why did somebody give me Tube Socks
for Christmas? Who the Hell wants socks?”
1995, Or Whatever
January 4: Baywatch
becomes the most popular TV show in the history of the universe. Star David Hasselhoff, in a special celebratory
press conference at his Austrian mountain retreat (der Hasselhäus) inexplicably sings “Send in the Clowns”
in German, but only gets as far as the second verse before he is stoned by
angry reporters.
January 13: The Richmond City Council rejects the idea of
Riverboat gambling on the Annabel Lee, saying, “Wow! Try some of these red pills!”
February 6: It’s really cold.
March 12: Investors cheer as the Dow Jones Average breaks the
high of 4000, allowing them to enter their initials on the High Score Board.
March 15: Gen. Douglas MacArthur signs the treaty ending World
War II.Um, well, we’re pretty sure something like that happened last year.
March 20: Hundreds are killed in Japan after the maniacal Aum
Shinrikyo cult plants deadly bombs in subways that release concentrated doses
of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be A Redneck If...” CD.
April 2: The Major League Baseball strike ends when ABC, in
place of baseball, broadcasts documentaries on “Our Wacky Friend the
Lemur” and “The Mystery and Magic of Sand.” Ratings go up.
May 24-31: We don’t remember what happened here. Paul was out of town and Jeff was
drunk.
June 21: 28-year-old Nicholas Leeson manages to single-handedly
wreck the entire British Barings Bank after losing $1.2 billion of
England’s money. He later
claims he “just lost it under the cushions of his car seats.”
July 7: The worst drought in years kills every plant in the
state, making Virginia’s leading crop “Thatch.”
July 30: The worst floods ever to hit Virginia wash away all
of the state’s freshly-harvested thatch crop, making the new leading cash
crop “Gravel.”
August 2: The “Unabomber” threatens to blow up
somebody unless The Washington Post prints
his 35,000-word treatise on the evils of Static Cling.
August 12: Plucky but brain-damaged Peter McNeely announces he
will fight Mike Tyson. Hopeful children
gather outside the arena to catch McNeely’s head as it comes out over the
left-field fence.
August 19: Plucky but porcine Shannon Faulkner quits The Citadel. Hundreds of cadets celebrate
jubilantly, saying “Boy are we sure glad there’s no GIRLS around
anymore! It’s just us GUYS,
hanging out in sailor suits and getting sweaty doing push-ups! Yaaayyyy!”
Later that afternoon: Richard Simmons applies to The Citadel.
August 27: Citizens of Quebec vote narrowly to support the
referendum stating that “Playing ice hockey and speaking French just
don’t seem to go together.”
It is a terrible defeat for the ultra-nationalist Passez les
Croissants Party, but they vow to
continue their fight “by any means necessary.”
September 3: Shannon Faulkner knocks out Peter McNeely in 91
seconds.
September 21: A pack of ruthless Quebeçois terrorists from
the PLC Party sneak into a crowded
shopping mall at mid-day, and savagely hand out leaflets explaining their
position.
October 3: O. J. Simpson is found “Not Guilty.” Angry upper-middle-class whites riot,
looting BMW dealerships and setting several Starbucks Coffee stores ablaze.
October 7: Colin Powell announces that he won’t run for president, but is thinking of getting a part-time job.
October 9: In a commercial, Peter McNeely is (True Fact!) knocked
out by a greasy piece of pizza.
October 12: Under renewed threats of mail-bombing attempts, The
Richmond State publishes a 35,000-word
treatise on how to survive after college.Our weekly column is born.
October 15: Hurricane (Real Name!) Opal hits the east coast,
resulting in one tree falling over and three hundred surfers appearing on the
local news talking about how “Bitchin’!” the waves are.
October 16: The Million-Man March in Washington D.C. attracts,
according to the U.S. Park Service, 400,000 marchers and 514,000
reporters. March organizer Louis
Farrakhan claims attendance was under-counted because “the white man
insists on placing several numbers between 3 and 8.”
October 17: Terrorists bomb France, endangering the world’s
supply of berets and pretentiousness.
A special U.N. peacekeeping force moves into Paris, but retreats after
being ambushed by a pack of surly French waiters.
October 28: A seriously overexcited Atlanta Braves fan, doing
“The Tomahawk Chop” during the World Series, cracks the skull of
Jane Fonda, sitting in front of him.
Millions applaud.
November 14: The government wages a campaign to force the
restaurant “Hooters” to hire male waitresses. Keep in mind that your tax dollars paid for this.
November 15: In an official statement, men world-wide announce,
“Yech.”
November 19: Part one of ABC’s Beatles Anthology airs, surprising even the most die-hard
fans when it reveals that Ringo was once the leader of the Gestapo.
November 21: President Clinton meets with Bosnian and Serbian
leaders in similarly war-torn Ohio, where they agree to give the Bosnians
control of Board Walk and Park
Place, and give the Serbs the “War in Bosnia” Home Game and a
lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.
November 23: In part 3 of the landmark Beatles Anthology, Ringo
knocks out Peter McNeely in 18 seconds.
November 30: Peter McNeely announces plans to fight a rock.
Oddsmakers give him 15 seconds.
December 3: Rome invades Carthage, beginning the third Punic War.
December 9: The first American troops, the 103rd Airborne
(“The Screaming Weasels”), arrive in the war-torn Balkans. They decide it is “no fun”
and just go invade Luxembourg.
December 12: David Hasselhoff, in a bizarre stage-diving accident
during a concert in Düsseldorf, knocks out Peter McNeely.
December 25: Paul gets Tube Socks for Christmas. Jeff gets coal
and a “Slippy, the Christmas Weasel” necktie.
December 31: In Times Square, ten seconds before midnight, a
wild-eyed and obviously drunk Dick Clark rings in the new year by knocking out
Peter McNeely. McNeely, dazed, yells “Happy Hallowe’en!” and is
then crushed to death by the huge dropping ball.
©1996! Puff Carpluto
Check out Jeff and Paul on the Internet at http://www.pluginc.com!