{"id":106,"date":"1995-10-01T18:01:31","date_gmt":"1995-10-02T01:01:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=106"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:05","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:05","slug":"the-pocket-guide-to-post-college-survival","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1995\/10\/01\/the-pocket-guide-to-post-college-survival\/","title":{"rendered":"The Pocket Guide to Post-College Survival"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, October 1 1995<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi.  We are Jeff and Paul, and we recently graduated from a local college that we won\u2019t name, but rhymes with \u201cPoon-a-nursery glove Bitch-fund.\u201d  And, being thrust into a cold, hard world with only a $60,000 slip of paper (\u201cdiploma\u201d) as protection, we thought we\u2019d write something to save all of you future graduates out there from making all the same mistakes we<\/em> did, so that you<\/em> can go on to make new<\/em> ones.  Thus was born our \u201cPocket Guide to Post-College Survival in Richmond.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First thing\u2019s first.  Don\u2019t actually put it in your pocket.  Folded-up newsprint is disgusting. Especially this stuff they use here at the State. What is this? Grape juice?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Tip #1: Don\u2019t taste it. It\u2019s not grape juice.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The second thing is that just because you, when you graduate, will likely not have a plan (\u201cclue\u201d) or job (\u201cjob\u201d), is no cause to be upset.  It is cause for full-fledged panic.  Your immediate reaction should be to drink so much that your only memories of your senior year of college are savage hangovers and some class that was maybe \u201cIntroduction to Management Systems\u201d or \u201cSystems of Introductory Management\u201d or \u201cInter-System Management of Suction\u201d or \u201c13th Century Algerian Literature.\u201d  Or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At any rate, when you recover from your illness (\u201changover\u201d) and are kicked out (\u201cgraduate\u201d), your plan is simple: 1) Panic again. 2) Drink more. 3) Hang the tassle from your graduation cap over the rear-view mirror.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After a couple of days, when all of this has grown a little tiresome or life-threatening, you face two options.  The first is to keep drinking, go back to your old fraternity parties, drink even more, beg money from your parents for astounding amounts of cheap Scotch, and finally end up as one of those people who lie outside of 7-11s, arguing with \u201cthose damn squirrels.\u201d  Do not do this.<\/em>  Your other option is to come to terms with your job situation (\u201cnone\u201d) and attempt to find one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You will not be successful immediately, unless you are seeking a career in the growing fields of asking \u201cwould you like that Super-Sized?\u201d or drug dealing. There will be days when you feel as if you may never<\/em> find a job. This is probably a result of the stack of \u201cthank you but ha ha ha ha\u201d letters from companies that have lots of jobs but none for you, which you have under your bed, along with the four-month-old Taco Bell-flavored Doritos you forgot you had left there as a snack for the mice. Finding a job that fits all of your personal requirements (\u201cpays money\u201d) will take a little time, and you need to know how to survive (\u201cnot die\u201d) in the meantime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Incidentally, there are certain vitally important hints for this interim period that have been learned and passed down through generations of ex-grads.  We have, due to excess drinking, forgotten them.  But, as best as we can reconstruct them, they include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Ramen noodles are your friend.<\/em>  At four for a dollar, they are perfect for your budget.  And they contain a whopping zero percent of all your daily nutrient requirements.  Except \u201csodium,\u201d of which they contain about a billion percent of your needs for the next decade.  But they are easy to make (\u201chave microwave instructions\u201d) and are tasty hangover remedies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Low-cost housing is your friend.<\/em>  Just because a neighborhood is \u201cunfashionable\u201d or \u201cconstantly life-threatening\u201d is no reason not to move in, if<\/em> the price is right.  \u201cThe price is right\u201d in this case indicates that it is the cheapest damn thing you can find.  You and your roommates \u2013 and you will<\/em> have roommates \u2013 simply need to develop simple security precautions.  These can range from being safety-smart (\u201csleeping with a shotgun under the pillow\u201d) to simple friendliness (\u201ctaping a sign that says \u2018please do not kill us\u2019 on your door.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Free pizza.<\/em>  Pizza Hut has a \u201cIf Your Order Isn\u2019t Right, It\u2019s Free\u201d policy.  Order pizzas without anchovies.  Needless to say, you can always insist<\/em> that you wanted anchovies on that.  And, if some bizarre slip-up occurs and they did <\/em>put anchovies on it, say you wanted kelp or hummus or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Join the planetary family.<\/em>  If you find that you need an automobile and you don\u2019t have one, think Saturn.  They have a wonderful \u201c30-days, no questions asked\u201d return policy on their automobiles.  Simply pretend you have a wonderful credit history (\u201clie\u201d) and purchase one.  Twenty-nine days later, return it, claiming you hated the headrests or that the stereo wouldn\u2019t stop playing Queen.  Get another Saturn.  Repeat.  Rinse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Special Note<\/em><\/strong>:<\/em> Do not do this indefinitely.  You may have heard of the Saturn \u201cFamily.\u201d  This is not to be underestimated: sooner or later, they will get wise.  And you don\u2019t want Vito and Luigi Saturn from the \u201cfamily\u201d paying youse a visit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Be a cool cat.<\/em>  If you are living in an affordable (\u201ccheap\u201d) apartment, it may not have air-conditioning.  Richmond summers can be a little warm (\u201ca sweltering hell-box\u201d), and air-conditioned living is a real must.  If you don\u2019t have friends with air-conditioning to mooch off of, there are several other free sources of coolness to investigate.  Try the local library: those are always<\/em> air-conditioned.  And, since nobody reads anymore, you can camp out there for days at a time, undisturbed.  If you are somehow surprised by a rogue librarian who notices your tent and campfire in the reference section, do not panic.  Simply explain that you are trying to finish Faulkner\u2019s \u201cThe Sound and the Fury,\u201d and that you\u2019re up to page seven.  They will understand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Learn and experience the merits of afternoon television.<\/em> One of the most detrimental things an unemployed post-grad can do is feel listless and worthless. Afternoon television gives us something to look forward to. And hey, can we help it if the world doesn\u2019t recognize the positive qualities we would bring to any organization that would pay us to join their professional team (\u201canywhere that would pay us?\u201d) No. Without \u201cQuantum Leap\u201d or \u201cKnight Rider\u201d reruns, or everything on \u201dComedy Central\u201d there to offer moral support at three in the afternoon, when the rest of the world is out working and getting pay checks every week, life would seem, well, worthless.  And, dammit,<\/em> in that darkest hour, Montel is there for you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022Get a pet.<\/em> You need someone to talk to, don\u2019t you?  And, compared to your roomates, they will seem neat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022Go back to campus.<\/em> Watch people go to class, studying for tests, handing in papers. Laugh heartily and yell things like, \u201cChaucer sucks!\u201d and all those things you could never say during college.  Hey, we might be unmployed. But at least <\/em>we\u2019re not still learning anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Or whatever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You may have spent some or all of your college years working as an intern (\u201cslave.\u201d)  This process involves you telling some company that you would like to work there \u2013 and this is the part companies love \u2013 without them paying you any money.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHold on,\u201d you say.  \u201cWhat would make me want to do that, unless I had gone completely raving berserk?  Or just really rock-stupid?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But wait!  Surprisingly enough, there are many benefits to the concept of internship (\u201cindentured servitude\u201d).  First is that an internship gives you valuable experience<\/em>.  Experience is important because it can be redeemed at the end of the show for valuable prizes and luggage.  Second, many companies end up hiring their interns.  Unfortunately, these people never go very far on the corporate ladder because their superiors realize that these people were what the French call \u201cdumb as a bag of hammers\u201d<\/em> (or, literally translated, \u201cduh\u201d). That is, they had few enough functioning synapses that they worked for no money at all<\/em>, so they\u2019d probably bankrupt the company in a week if they were ever in charge.  Third, you can steal pens, stationery and toilet paper, in addition to making long-distance phone calls from your internship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or try working for a temp agency (\u201chating your life.\u201d)  Jeff had a friend who \u2013 no kidding<\/em> \u2013 had a temp assingment shoveling coal into a furnace.  If necessary, remind yourself frequently \u201cI may be shoveling coal, but I\u2019m extremely qualified to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If this does not work, and you don\u2019t mind slumming a little, try looking into the growing fields of selling crack or transvestite prostitution.  Or bother people for change outside of stores on Franklin Street.  At least that way you won\u2019t have your alma mater bugging you for donations.  And if you finally decide that you have absolutely <\/em>no scruples whatsoever, and are willing to walk on the seedy side of life, try getting a part-time job in TV news or with the Richmond Times-Dispatch (\u201cTimes-Disgrace.\u201d)  That\u2019s what we did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To sum up, everything will eventually be okay.  Someday you<\/em> will have a real job and spend your<\/em> afternoons relieving stress by beating young interns with electric cattle prods.  You will work your way up the corporate ladder (\u201cthe highway to hell\u201d) and find the well-paying job of your choice (\u201chave too many mortgages to enjoy it.\u201d)  It\u2019s a simple fact of biology \u2013 everybody who currently has a well-paying job is probably going to die before you do.  So there will<\/em>be openings.  The secret is just to hang in there, stay tough, keep your options open, and keep eating Ramen noodles.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi.  We are Jeff and Paul, and we recently graduated from a local college that we won\u2019t name, but rhymes with \u201cPoon-a-nursery glove Bitch-fund.\u201d  And, being thrust into a cold, hard world with only a $60,000 slip of paper (\u201cdiploma\u201d) as protection, we thought we\u2019d write something to save all of you future graduates out there from … Continue reading The Pocket Guide to Post-College Survival<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22],"class_list":["post-106","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=106"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":222,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106\/revisions\/222"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=106"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=106"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=106"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}