{"id":109,"date":"1993-11-04T20:07:27","date_gmt":"1993-11-05T04:07:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=109"},"modified":"2020-06-20T17:33:21","modified_gmt":"2020-06-21T00:33:21","slug":"putting-the-fun-in-fundraising","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1993\/11\/04\/putting-the-fun-in-fundraising\/","title":{"rendered":"Putting the “fun” in fundraising"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Jeffrey
University of Richmond Collegian, November 4 1993<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s Note: The opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Collegian or its staff. In fact, they sure as hell don\u2019t, but what can we do? We\u2019ve been hoping for a while that this guy would stop writing and pick up a constructive hobby like building those neat little ships inside bottles or something, but he keeps writing and his mom said she\u2019ll cancel her subscription if we don\u2019t run his columns and we only have three other subscriptions so we\u2019re kind of over a barrel on this one. Whatever the case may be, this column is property of The Collegian and is not to be reprinted, excerpted, quoted from or even talked about without the express written consent of The Collegian and the National Football League. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hate charity fundraisers. I always have. Probably always will. It\u2019s not like I\u2019m a mean, nasty person … well, yes, actually, I am, but that\u2019s not why. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, I don\u2019t object to the idea of charity or something. I don\u2019t mind giving a few pennies to benefit victims of dutch elm disease or scurvy or whatever. It isn\u2019t even that I\u2019m opposed to doing things for other people in general: you can get a fantastic buzz if you drink after giving blood, and if you\u2019re stealthy, you can steal hundreds of little packs of Chips-Ahoy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I guess it\u2019s that they\u2019re all just so boring. Maybe if campus organizations found something exciting to do, I could get more interested. Perhaps instead of having wussy “pledge auctions,” fraternities could sell their pledges into the zombie slave trade and sororities could sell theirs in the red light district. They\u2019d get a lot more money, and it would be so much more interesting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of simple teeter-tottering, they could combine it with those strength-testers in carnivals: one person would jump on the see-saw and propel the person on the other end up and into a large brass bell hoisted above them. If they ring the bell, the charity gets $5.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then the other person, wandering about with a concussion, cerebral hemorrhaging, and muttering something about “time to make the donuts” gets to jump on their end and reverse the process. This raises money and is endlessly amusing, because bad things happening to other people is always good humor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or instead of a simple “Jail n\u2019 Bail,” they could hold a “Turkish Prison Jail n\u2019 Bail.” Students would again be jokingly “arrested” until their friends paid the requisite amount to “free” them. But instead of a cushioned corner of the Pier, students would be taken to a sub-basement of the Physical Plant building and confined in small cells, tortured psychologically and beaten continuously with rubber hoses. The psychological torture might consist of forcing them to watch MTV-Europe or reruns of “Saved by the Bell.” This would increase the urgency for the friends to come bail them out, and you could probably squeeze more money out of them, too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, since I\u2019m certainly not afraid to recycle old jokes, I think every campus organization could get into the act, each according to its own special abilities and gifts. For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

INTERVARSITY CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP\/CATHOLIC CAMPUS MINISTRY JOINT FUNDRAISERS:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Sell Indulgences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Inform the campus that God has declared that Dr. Burhans will be “called home” unless it raises $5 million.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DINING HALL FUNDRAISERS:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Host lavish black-tie $100\/plate dinner event. Serve real food.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Asassinate key figures in the University administration; seize reins of power, and declare martial law. This wouldn\u2019t raise funds for anything, but it would still be really cool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UNIVERSITY PLAYERS FUNDRAISERS:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Perform guerrilla theater skits at the Regency in the food court, in front of the Chick-Fil-A. Make people pay them to go away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Undertake major renovations, then rename the James L. Camp Memorial Theater, “The Kamp Karaoke Kavern.” Get together with CAB and work something out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

JEPSON SCHOOL FUNDRAISER:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Call Bob Jepson.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe I\u2019d be more excited if charities were more aggressive. You know, if it\u2019s such a great cause, people should have no excuse for not giving. If the United Nations can send troops to Somalia, why shouldn\u2019t UNICEF be able to send brigades of mechanized infantry to shopping malls and establish martial law at The Gap until all the little snots there hand over their parents\u2019 credit cards? Perhaps the Salvation Army would send legions of crack paratrooper Santas to K marts across the country to insure everyone “gives \u2018til it hurts.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe my problem is the charities that these fundraiser events are for. I\u2019m sure they are honest and deserving, but there are a lot of worthy causes to raise money for that frequently get neglected. Here are a few actual non-profit organizations that I think should get some attention for future fundraisers:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 BRENT MUSBERGER FOR PRESIDENT \u201896 campaign fund<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 WE ARE THE WORLD League of American Football – donations needed badly<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 THE JEFFERSON MEMORIAL – collecting to place a large bronze statue of Sherman Hemsley in Washington, D.C.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 THE S. SHEPARD LEGAL DEFENSE FUND FOR HOMELESS SOCIALIST MINORITY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WHO DON\u2019T LIKE GRITS<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 KOOL-AID – collecting money to find new jobs for the members of “Kool & the Gang”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 FREE JAMES BROWN!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 JAIL MONTEL WILLIAMS!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 ROBBY KRIEGER MEMORIAL PSYCHIATRIC TREATMENT FUND – for people who think Jim Morrison was “an American Poet”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 THE MARCH OF DRACHMAS – for disabled children in Greece<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 SQUIRRELHOLICS ANONYMOUS – I won\u2019t explain it, but it\u2019s sad<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or what about a truly deserving cause founded right here at the UR? An idea of mine is to take up a collection to hire a hit man to get rid of the annoying kid from those “Encyclopedia Brittanica” commercials.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe this is all the inevitable result of me, getting old and grumpy. But please consider it, won\u2019t you? Please send contributions to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Death to That Annoying Kid From Those “Encyclopedia Brittanica” Comercials Fund<\/p>\n\n\n\n

c\/o The Collegian, Espionage, Sabotage, and Asassination Dept.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tyler Heinous Commons, 14th Floor<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Richmond, The University, 90125<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy! Editor\u2019s Note: The opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Collegian or its staff. In fact, … Continue reading Putting the “fun” in fundraising<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":57,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,7],"tags":[70],"class_list":["post-109","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-ur-collegian","tag-collegian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/URC_logo_header.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/109","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=109"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/109\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":480,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/109\/revisions\/480"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/57"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=109"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=109"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=109"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}