{"id":123,"date":"1994-02-03T10:02:35","date_gmt":"1994-02-03T18:02:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=123"},"modified":"2020-07-08T12:42:36","modified_gmt":"2020-07-08T19:42:36","slug":"lawyers-theyre-not-just-for-breakfast-anymore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1994\/02\/03\/lawyers-theyre-not-just-for-breakfast-anymore\/","title":{"rendered":"Lawyers: They\u2019re Not Just for Breakfast Anymore"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Jeffrey
University of Richmond Collegian, February 3, 1994<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s Note: Please don\u2019t sue us.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  Well … actually, we don\u2019t, but it sounds better if we say we do.  But … lucky you! … we have space to kill, so it\u2019s time to dip back into the reader mailbag, throw away the pizza crusts and empty Rumple Minze bottles, and pull out a lucky letter …<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Collegian,<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How many undergraduate students realize there is an actual law school on campus?\u00a0\u00a0Do we appreciate the hundreds of future lawyers that pass by us daily?\u00a0\u00a0Can\u2019t we do something special to recognize them for their achievement, like pillaging and burning the law school to the ground, then sowing the earth with salt?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just wondering.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Wishes,<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Concerned Philosophy Major<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, that certainly is an interesting suggestion.  While The Collegian cannot officially support any such idea (The Collegian as a matter of policy does not support either armed rioting or calling pants \u201cslacks\u201d), the lawyer-larvae consideration is still an interesting point for discussion.  Should we be happy to have these future Perry Masons, William Kunstlers, and \u201cL. A. Law\u201d stunt doubles among us on campus?  Or should we call them bloodsuckers-in-training and order a ROTC tactical strike to wipe them out?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, there are no easy answers in life.  On one hand, lawyer-bashing has become all the rage lately, and you don\u2019t want to look like you\u2019re just jumping on the band wagon by hunting them with large-caliber weapons.  Furthermore, if you leave any of them alive, they could sue you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other hand, the only other professions that have even remotely the same reputation for being asinine full-time are Department of Motor Vehicles workers and journalists.  Yeesh.  This should give you an idea of the urgency for these things to be wiped out while they are still young and vulnerable.  In addition, lawyers are … well, lawyers.  Since there are so many of them, they\u2019d probably just overbreed and starve themselves.  So it\u2019s quite possible we\u2019d be doing them a favor by getting it over with humanely by fumigating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, this would free up the building currently being used as the law school for other, more beneficial purposes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 World\u2019s largest Taco Bell franchise<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Special \u201cAmerican Gladiators\u201d-style arena<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Squirrel refuge\/petting zoo<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sports bar<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 \u201cSix Flags Over The Ticket Lady\u201d amusement park<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Super-cool giant maze with a princess and a half-bull half-man in the middle<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Mulch repository<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Fill hallways with shaving cream – charge people $2.50 to run through<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 P. Caputo School of Followership<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 O’Brien-Grossman Memorial Eternal Flame\/Bar-B-Que Pit<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 New University of Richmond red light district\/sorority housing<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Indoor golf course \u2014 played with racquetballs<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Cheap motel for kicked-out roommates<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Fill with bricks, make triangular, place curse on, use as enormous tomb for university president<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Palestinian homeland<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I notice that this discussion has been notably short on praise of the positive aspects of our future legal eagles.  And there are a lot of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There sure are lots.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, more than you can shake a stick at.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Youuu betcha.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll bet we can list some of those positive aspects, like … like …<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Well, they\u2019re not lawyers yet<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Some of them have cool cars<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 They\u2019re almost all over 21, so they could buy you beer if you aren\u2019t<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…and lots and lots and lots of other stuff too that, darn it, we just don\u2019t have space to print.\u00a0\u00a0Now, to be fair, this probably isn\u2019t a fully objective summary.\u00a0\u00a0Are all lawyers slime?\u00a0\u00a0Certainly not!\u00a0\u00a0Are most lawyers slime?\u00a0\u00a0Well, yes.\u00a0\u00a0So to be brief, the jury is still out on the idea and the whole question shouldn\u2019t be considered an open-and-shut case.\u00a0\u00a0Perhaps the wanton destruction of our future lawyers would set a dangerous precedent for anarchy \u2014 the next thing you know, they\u2019d be looting the computer labs and guillotining the biology faculty, everybody would be called \u201cCitizen,\u201d the National Guard would come in and shoot everybody, it would be \u201cBreakfast at Dinner\u201d night at the D-Hall again, and they\u2019d almost certainly close the Row that weekend.\u00a0\u00a0Not a pretty picture, is it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t think so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, it seems that we\u2019re out of space, so until next time, keep those cards and letters coming to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over-the-Cliffnotes Legal Defense Fund\/Erik Estrada for Senate<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

R.C. Box #465<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

University of Richmond, WI. 90210<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n


<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy! Editor\u2019s Note: Please don\u2019t sue us. We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  Well … actually, we … Continue reading Lawyers: They\u2019re Not Just for Breakfast Anymore<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":57,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,7],"tags":[70],"class_list":["post-123","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-ur-collegian","tag-collegian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/URC_logo_header.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/123","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=123"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/123\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":556,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/123\/revisions\/556"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/57"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=123"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=123"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=123"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}