{"id":132,"date":"1994-02-24T12:59:54","date_gmt":"1994-02-24T20:59:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=132"},"modified":"2020-07-08T15:21:15","modified_gmt":"2020-07-08T22:21:15","slug":"student-government-the-prom-committee-of-college","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1994\/02\/24\/student-government-the-prom-committee-of-college\/","title":{"rendered":"Student Government: the Prom Committee of College"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Jeffrey
University of Richmond Collegian, February 24 1994<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s Note: It\u2019s not our column.  We weren\u2019t there.  Nobody saw us.  You can\u2019t prove anything.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  Hahahahahaha.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Certain aspects of life should be taken very seriously.  Long lines at The Pier, congressional subpoenas and large bleeding head wounds should all be taken seriously.  On the other hand, it\u2019s very important to know what aspects of life not to take all-that-terribly seriously.  For example: violence on television, threats from the IFC and anything connected to the student government.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you remember the real power brokers in your high school?  The ones who cut deals with the administration and lived secret lives of perks and privileges undreamed of by the other students?  The people who were on both the Mural Committee and the Prom Refreshments Committee at the same time?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, it turns out that we all may have been living  a lie.  There have been some studies done, and it has only recently been discovered that people in student governments don\u2019t actually do anything important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people may disagree with this.  In fact, I had an argument with my Significant Other recently about whether or not our SGA did anything.  An incurable optimist, Jenny is firmly convinced that the representative form of government works, even though neither of the suggestions she made about putting coffee straws in The Pier has been adopted.  I, however, am significantly more nasty, bitter and cynical.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is certainly not a criticism born out of jealousy or envy; all that journalists really want out of life is Truth, Justice and a case of Wild Turkey.  But we have to ask, what does the Richmond or Westhampton College Student Government Association really do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, what have they done for me lately?  Have they: (circle yes or no)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Y N  Moved really cute girls into my hall?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Y N  Cancelled my 2:40 MWF Russian class?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Y N  Lowered the price of beer?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nope.  Then as far as I\u2019m concerned, they ain\u2019t done nuthin\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But what can the Richmond College SGA President really do?  It\u2019s not like they have a real position of power and influence, like being one of the two Collegian assistant news editors.  They should get to do real cool stuff.  For example, it would be really cool if the RCSGA President got:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Ability to telepathically communicate with the ducks<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Ability to haze Richmond College Dean Richard Mateer<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Power to dispatch U.S. troops without consulting Congress<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Special president\u2019s 5 percent discount on kegs at Rite-Aid<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Wise, singing cricket with top hat to sit on shoulder and serve as conscience<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Magic wand that gives 4.0 GPAs<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Cape and costume and cool name like \u201cRCSGA President Man,\u201d and super ability to call on campus dogs to fight crime<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Power to create special Collegian Swimsuit Edition<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Right to two entrees at once in D-Hall<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, that would be cool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What about the issues?  Are people taking them to heart and engaging in lively debate on them?  The most incisive criticism I heard about anybody\u2019s platform and political ideology was, \u201cThis guy\u2019s a tool.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There seem to be a few frightening similarities between the platforms of everyone who ran for the senates\/presidencies\/assorted positions of moderate responsibility.  Oddly enough, they all seem to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Be for things which are good<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Be firmly against things which are not good<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Vigorously support several things <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Fight against several other things<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Hang around the house Friday night, waiting for students to drop by with suggestions and comments<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now this is all well and good, but I\u2019m personally looking for a candidate who will do cool stuff like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Get Aerosmith Girl to come here<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Promise $5 for everybody who voted for them<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Claim that they aren\u2019t the president, it\u2019s their little mannequin pal \u201cMr. Kooky\u201d who\u2019s running things<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Create a special Collegian Columnist bar tab at Soble\u2019s<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Change all CAB Karaoke Nights to Lambada Nights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Promise to, if elected, run around campus naked, screaming \u201cI\u2019m going to Disneyland!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be fair, there are occasionally worthwhile things done by a student government, through no fault of their own.  But my point is that they aren\u2019t so much good or bad, as really not that big a deal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also I promised to embarrass my friend Mom by endorsing her.  So thank those people who have been good enough to throw their hat in the ring so the rest of us can make fun of them.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, it seems that we\u2019re out of space, so please send comments and small ticking packages to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

LaRouche\/Steinbrenner in \u201896 Headquarters<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

c\/o The Collegian<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tile Harebrains Commons, 13th Floor<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

University of Alberta, 8675309<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy! Editor\u2019s Note: It\u2019s not our column.  We weren\u2019t there.  Nobody saw us.  You can\u2019t prove anything. We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being … Continue reading Student Government: the Prom Committee of College<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":57,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,7],"tags":[70],"class_list":["post-132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-ur-collegian","tag-collegian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/URC_logo_header.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/132","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=132"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/132\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":560,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/132\/revisions\/560"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/57"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=132"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=132"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=132"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}