{"id":136,"date":"1994-03-03T13:34:57","date_gmt":"1994-03-03T21:34:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=136"},"modified":"2020-07-08T14:44:07","modified_gmt":"2020-07-08T21:44:07","slug":"flossing-and-star-trek-giving-activism-a-real-purpose","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1994\/03\/03\/flossing-and-star-trek-giving-activism-a-real-purpose\/","title":{"rendered":"Flossing and Star Trek: Giving Activism a Real Purpose"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Jeffrey
University of Richmond Collegian, March 3 1994<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s Note: O, that this too too solid columnist would melt, thaw and resolve himself not to write columns anymore.   <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  We\u2019re not sure if anybody actually reads this, but if they did, we would be responsive to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, actually, I don\u2019t think anybody does read this.  The Collegian gets nasty letters and occasional lawsuit threats for small factual inaccuracies, misspelling of names, and mild criticisms of the Honor Code.  So far, in this column, I have suggested that:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The Intervarsity Christian Fellowship hold a \u201cfish and loaves\u201d picnic rush event<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Destro, Major Bludd and Cobra Commander were formerly residing in Lora Robins<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Student government presidents should be used for doorstops or paperweights<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The Collegian is actually written by clever trained seals<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 \u201cJail \u2018n\u2019 Bail\u201d be changed to a \u201cTurkish Prison Jail \u2018n\u2019 Bail\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The law school be razed to the ground and the earth sown with salt<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I haven\u2019t gotten so much as a small note on pretty stationery saying, \u201cgo to Hell.\u201d  All of this leads me to conclude that nobody has really been reading this, or at very best they\u2019re just reading the Over-the-Cliffnotes Cliffs Notes guide they sell in the bookstore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, in that case, what do I have to worry about?  Let me just spin the \u201cWheel of Offensiveness\u201d I have sitting here by my Macintosh and select this week\u2019s unsuspecting and unreading victim.  And the lucky winner is … student activists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, the activist spirit is a wonderful thing.  But it seems that the choices of what to activate about are so dull and clich\u00e9d.  Recycling.  Whoo-doggies is that fascinating.  The environment.  I don\u2019t know about you, but I was considering working for global warming this winter.  Interracial understanding and education.  Nice, but still boring.  All these things are so universally agreeable and warm and fuzzy and boring like National Public Radio after \u201cCar Talk.\u201d  Nothing even as exciting as putting daisies in ROTC gun barrels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So why don\u2019t people get out for something really useful and exciting? Consider:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Establishing a campus \u201cHooked on Phonics\u201d club<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Standing on Boatwright Beach and telling everybody they\u2019re going to Heaven, so don\u2019t worry about it<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Organizing an Arabic-letter social society<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sit-ins to protest the lack of \u201cWelcome Back, Kotter\u201d and \u201cMisfits of Science\u201d reruns on local TV<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Running around campus, randomly collecting blood from people<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Supporting the death penalty for people who drive too slow<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Letter-writing campaigns to change Boatwright Library, damn it, back to the Dewey Decimal System!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Circulating petitions protesting the lack of an \u201cAtlasphere\u201d arena in the weight room<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Hanging posters proclaiming, \u201cPray for Revival of Spock in the next Star Trek movie\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Writing frequent Collegian columns alerting the populace to the grave dangers posed by the Greek system and the coordinate-housing system; sit back and wait for results<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Coordinating plan to run around campus, throw arms in air, and shout, \u201cMortal Kombat!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Demonstrations in favor of frequent flossing<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Presenting a petition to the English Department demanding that the letter D now come before the letter A in the alphabet, just because it would be cool<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Selling campus dogs to local Chinese restaurants, donating proceeds to charity<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Marching on the Admissions office, demanding that ability to color between the lines, even with fat crayons, be factored into admissions decisions<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Demanding that breathalyzers be placed on all campus phones, preventing hour-long late-night drunken phone calls to old girlfriends\/boyfriends in Montana<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Supporting gender equality by mandating that sorority pledges go through fraternity Hell Week, too<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Demonstrations to rouse campus support for beer<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Merging the WCGA and RCSGA to remove the administration\u2019s main arguments for the coordinate system, bringing the school a step closer to real integration<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oops.  Sorry.  That\u2019s a real suggestion.  I promise not to do that again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Changing UR Alma Mater to \u201cWe Will Rock You\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Showing support for new president by writing \u201cROOP 182\u201d on walls everywhere<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Organizing patrols to find people who don\u2019t recycle and beating them with aluminum softball bats<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Letter-writing campaign to make football a Winter Olympic sport so the United States can win something<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Forming a volunteer firefighter company on campus<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Forming a volunteer suicide mission company on campus<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Thinking globally, acting locally, drinking heavily before writing columns<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Protesting the lack of an \u201cE\u201d grade<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consider it, won\u2019t you?  Remember not to send letters, postcards, or old \u201cA-Ha\u201d records to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over-the-Cliffnotes\u2122\/Fried or Baked Chicken Fan Club<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

c\/o The Collusion<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tighty-whitey Hanes Commons<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

University of Richmond, TX OU812<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Good night and good vibrations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy! Editor\u2019s Note: O, that this too too solid columnist would melt, thaw and resolve himself not to write columns anymore.    We here … Continue reading Flossing and Star Trek: Giving Activism a Real Purpose<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":57,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,7],"tags":[70],"class_list":["post-136","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-ur-collegian","tag-collegian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/URC_logo_header.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=136"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":558,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136\/revisions\/558"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/57"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=136"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=136"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=136"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}