{"id":143,"date":"1994-04-14T16:31:22","date_gmt":"1994-04-14T23:31:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=143"},"modified":"2020-07-09T09:54:29","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T16:54:29","slug":"just-like-the-year-in-review-but-it-hasnt-happened-yet","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1994\/04\/14\/just-like-the-year-in-review-but-it-hasnt-happened-yet\/","title":{"rendered":"Just Like the Year in Review, But it Hasn\u2019t Happened Yet"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Jeffrey
University of Richmond Collegian, April 14 1994<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s Note: I lied.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  We are also responsive to being poked by sticks.  Go figure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is customary at this point in the academic year for many editorialists to provide a year\u2019s-end wrap-up of all the fascinating things that have happened this year.  That\u2019s boring with a capital \u201cD.\u201d  I mean, you already know what happened, so what\u2019s so exciting about that?  Which is why, as a service to our readers, we are presenting a wrap-up of next year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1994-5 AT THE UNIVERSITY OF RICHMOND:<\/strong> AN ODD YEAR<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Aug. 28, 1994: <\/strong>Returning to school, the Board of Trustees finds that its accountant has invested the University\u2019s endowment in several bad blackjack games in Las Vegas over the summer and then took the last few remaining thousand dollars to buy a one-way ticket to Nepal.  Comments one board member, \u201cI guess this means the \u2018Jepson School of TV and VCR Repair and Refrigeration Technology\u2019 deal is off.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Aug. 31: <\/strong>The University Police launches on a bold plan of \u201cgetting tough on campus crime.\u201d  First step: all parking tickets after the fifth ticket result in the University taking your car away and selling it for spare parts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sep. 7:<\/strong> As a publicity stunt, the members of campus band \u201c9 Divine\u201d kill themselves onstage.  This performance statement is met with overwhelming response from music critics, although it is uncertain whether the praise is for their supreme dedication to art in music or just because they waxed themselves.  The band members, currently dead at the present time, are unable to be reached for comment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sep. 14: <\/strong>Looking for some extra cash, the University begins loaning out Westhampton Lake as a toxic waste disposal site.  Russian whaling ships are occasionally seen on the lake, late at night, dumping nuclear waste.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sep. 20:<\/strong> The University administration adds a last-minute addendum to fall fraternity Rush rules: nobody is allowed to Rush.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Oct. 3: <\/strong>Campus religous groups unite for the second \u201cPray for Revival\u201d campaign.  It is declared a qualified success when the voice of God orders TV stations to revive episodes of \u201cThe Jeffersons.\u201d  \u201cWe\u2019re getting closer,\u201d says one Baptist Student Union representative.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022\u00a0Oct. 9:<\/strong>\u00a0To save on food expenses, the residence hall water fountains are removed.\u00a0\u00a0The University dumps 850 lbs. of Kool-Aid mix into the fountain in the administrative triangle and tells everyone to go there if they get thirsty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Aerosmith Girl<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Oct. 20: <\/strong>The first Virginia senatorial debate between Oliver North, Douglas Wilder and Aerosmith Girl is held in the Robins Center.  After the debate, North is offered an honorary Doctorate of Leadership from the Jepson School, but turns it down.  \u201cWhat I really wanted was a degree in refrigeration technology or TV and VCR repair,\u201d he explains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Nov. 12:<\/strong> Due to budget cutbacks as a result of the infamous \u201cPuppy Chow incident,\u201d the E. Bruce Heilman Dining Center saves money by switching to serving Swanson \u201cHungry Man\u201d dinners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Nov. 29:<\/strong> The third \u201cPray for Revival\u201d campaign is launched, but due to a typographical error, everyone ends up praying for \u201crevisal.\u201d  Within a week, all term papers on campus are mysteriously cleared of spelling and grammar problems.  \u201cWell, it was a simple mistake,\u201d explains one Campus Crusade for Christ member, \u201cbut the important thing is that we\u2019re getting results.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Dec. 2:<\/strong> In a seemingly unrelated incident, Bob Vila of \u201cThis Old House\u201d is found dead at home with a suicide note and a power drill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Dec. 8:<\/strong> The police announce that they have made two arrests as a result of an investigation started when they received a complaint that someone was stealing everything on campus every night and replacing it with an exact duplicate before everyone got up.  \u201cNow you know why we have guns,\u201d explains one police officer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Dec. 16: <\/strong>The school is covered in over 16 feet of snow in a freak blizzard.  Students are advised to crawl out second-floor windows onto the snow to get to exams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Jan. 12, 1995:<\/strong> Students return to classes.  That\u2019s it.  Nothing funny happens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022  Jan. 18:<\/strong> Due to further budget cutbacks, the D-Hall switches to the even less expensive Swanson \u201cBig, Sweaty Man\u201d dinners and Hostess \u201cZingers\u201d for dessert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Feb. 16: <\/strong>The fourth \u201cPray for Revival\u201d campaign ends in failure as Vivarin mystically appears in everyone\u2019s food and the campus collectively gets wired and stays up for five days.   \u201cIt\u2019s nice because I had extra study time,\u201d explains one student, \u201cbut I think my eyeballs are drying out.  I haven\u2019t blinked for three days.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Feb. 25:<\/strong> Getting desperate, the University announces that it has begun investing in magic beans it bought from some guy on the way to market.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Feb. 29: <\/strong>The University police announce that they are opening an investigation on reports that the trees around the lake uproot themselves and walk around campus at night and eat the campus dogs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 March 3: <\/strong>The University forces the Shanghai Quartet to play on downtown street corners for spare change.  Within a week, two members have been mugged, another has been killed in a drive-by shooting and another has given up the cello to become a pimp.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 March 6:<\/strong> A large, black, rectangular monolith appears on campus and is taken to the Gottwald Science Building for study.  Soon thereafter, the UR Vax computer goes insane and attempts to cut off the life support systems of the hibernating scientists and crush one of the student assistants in its mechanical arms outside the ship.  Fortunately, no one is hurt because there really isn\u2019t anybody in suspended animation and the UR Vax doesn\u2019t have mechanical arms, and it\u2019s not on a spaceship.  The old Vax 8000 computer is soon replaced when the school buys a new mainframe, the updated HAL 9000.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 March 26:<\/strong> The University\u2019s use of the lake as a toxic waste dump ends in a debacle as a particularly bad algae bloom develops consciousness and crawls out of the lake and begins eating the Commons.  \u201cLook,\u201d explains a Board of Trustees member, \u201cnobody was using the downstairs room anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 April 2:<\/strong> The D-Hall, denied funds again after the infamous \u201cfried or baked sloth\u201d incident, shifts as a final cost-cutting measure to serving only Taco Bell seven-layer burritos and tater-tots, with \u201cCrisco-sicles\u201d for dessert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 April 16:<\/strong> The University begins spending the last few dollars in its bank account on Virginia state lottery tickets.  \u201cWell, somebody has to win,\u201d explains one trustee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 April 19:<\/strong> The fifth and final \u201cPray for Revival\u201d campaign ends in disaster as the dead come alive again and walk the earth as zombies preying on the living.  Former Chancellor Boatwright is seen in the library, terrorizing students with overdue books and eating Lexis\/Nexis terminals.  Massive turmoil is caused as long-dead Confederate veterans begin holding New Jersey students hostage and repeatedly calling up the WDCE request line to request \u201cFreebird.\u201d  \u201cSorry,\u201d explains one Baptist Student Union member after the turmoil dies down, \u201cnext time we\u2019ll be more specific about what we want to be revived.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 May 4:<\/strong> The University of Richmond\u2019s ship finally comes in as one of the lottery tickets it had invested in pays off and the endowment is restored.  When asked about the lucky lottery success, one board member simply replies, \u201cWe\u2019re going to Disneyland!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pretty exciting year, wasn\u2019t it?  You betcha.  Well, that\u2019s all the space for this week, so keep those letters and marriage proposals (please include photo) coming to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over-the-Cliff Notes Groupie Club<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

c\/o The Collegian Ministry of Propaganda<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Freestyler Hanes Commons<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

University of Wisconsin, VA. 5150<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

CORRECTIONS<\/em><\/strong>: Last week\u2019s column may have contained some statements which were perhaps a little misleading.  Okay, I lied like the dog I am.  Deal with it.  See you next year.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\ufffd<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy! Editor\u2019s Note: I lied. We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  We are also responsive to being … Continue reading Just Like the Year in Review, But it Hasn\u2019t Happened Yet<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":57,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-143","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-ur-collegian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/URC_logo_header.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/143","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=143"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/143\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":565,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/143\/revisions\/565"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/57"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=143"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=143"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=143"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}