{"id":234,"date":"1996-02-01T11:23:44","date_gmt":"1996-02-01T19:23:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=234"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:04","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:04","slug":"the-choice-of-a-weird-generation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/02\/01\/the-choice-of-a-weird-generation\/","title":{"rendered":"The Choice of a Weird Generation"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, February 1 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1996 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi. We are Jeff and Paul … Tonight, on a very special episode of \u201cBlossom.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A TRUE STORY OF THE SUPERNATURAL:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul was driving on the Powhite Parkway (\u201cLike the Road to Hell, but With Tolls\u201d) when a song by a band called \u201cSponge Monkeys\u201d or something came on the radio. Simultaneously<\/em>, miles away, Jeff, sitting in a meeting at work, suddenly reached without thinking to change the station, accidentally twisting off the nose of the person next to him. \u201cPsychic connection\u201d … or \u201ctotal crap?\u201d<\/em> Perhaps. But think about this: \u201cMedium heat for 15 minutes, then stir in frozen weasel extract. Serves twelve.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wait … no, no, no. Don\u2019t think about that. We meant think about this<\/em>: Immediately afterwards, the same mysterious thought occured to both of them at exactly the same time<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This SUCKS<\/em>, they thought. I hate work … wait a second!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ll run for MAYOR!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And so with that thought and this column, we, Jeff and Paul, Officially Announce Our Candidacy for the Mayorship of the City of Richmond. We would also like to announce that a new study reveals that improper use of rubber cement can cause hair loss or, in some cases, mild death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many of you are no doubt wondering, \u201cBut what do geese think about this?\u201d Well, you<\/em> people are sick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The rest of you are probably wondering, \u201cWhy should I vote for two people when it\u2019s only half the calories to vote for one?\u201d or \u201cWouldn\u2019t two mayors cause problems with easily-confused TV news reporters, who might not know whom to interview and end up talking to a chair?\u201d Or even \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These questions are all valid, albeit incoherent. But consider the benefits of having two mayors:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Always on call: If one of us were sick and could not lead the city that day, the other one would always be there to say, \u201cWho cares?\u201d and get drunk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 It would be like having your mayor \u201cSuper-Sized.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 One of us could actually attend<\/em> City Council meetings instead of (like some<\/em> mayors we know) sending a life-size cardboard cut-out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 We would almost certainly get to be in one of those \u201cdouble your pleasure\u201d chewing gum commercials with the really cute twins in green bathing suits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We cannot fully explain our platform because 1.) there are bubbles in the Magic 8-Ball right now; and 2.) boy, are we making this up as we go along. But here for you \u2013 Good and Wise State<\/em> Reader \u2013 is a sneak peek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If elected, we promise the following immediate changes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 We would officially change the spelling of \u201cRichmond\u201d to \u201cFunky T\u00f8wn,\u201d although it would still be pronounced the same. \u201cHenrico\u201d would be spelled \u201cH\u00f6nkyville,\u201d but pronounced \u201cToad Suck, Arkansas.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 \u201cThe Mosque\u201d would be renamed \u201cThe Diamond.\u201d \u201cThe Diamond\u201d would be renamed \u201cWhat The HELL Is That Thing With An Indian Stickin\u2019 Out The Side?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Monument Avenue, as a compromise, would feature a statue of Andre Agassi on a horse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022To demonstrate how much our city RULES!<\/em>, we would declare war on Amelia County and beat all of its inhabitants with hockey sticks. After the invasion, we would give out free \u201cWe Invaded Amelia! We RULE!\u201d bumper stickers and T-Shirts to everyone in the city.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 We would eliminate the \u201cfour-by-four\u201d versus \u201cseven-period\u201d school scheduling controversy by ignoring it completely. Students, instead of saying the Pledge of Allegiance, would recite the lyrics to \u201cStairway to Heaven.\u201d Metal detectors in schools would be replaced with Snickers candy bar detectors. To improve saftey, we<\/em> would then personally eat all the Snickers bars.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 We would hold a contest to decide what kind of facial hair Police Chief Jerry Oliver should have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The Baltimore Stallions of the \u201cCanadian Football League\u201d \u2013 currently (True Fact!) considering moving here \u2013 would officially be told to \u201cBite us.\u201d We want nothing to do with any league that has an annual (True Fact!) Most \u201cValuable\u201d \u201cCanadian\u201d Award.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 So that you don\u2019t have to remember two long, expensive, time-consuming names, we would shorten \u201cJeff Carl\u201d and \u201cPaul Caputo\u201d into one name, like \u201cPuff Carpluto.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 As mayors, we promise never to appear on local TV news commenting at length on \u201cwhat a horrible tragedy this<\/em> shooting was, or how awful that<\/em> hurricane was, blah blah blah.\u201d We<\/em> know that actual news has NO PLACE in local television and it only interferes with the stories you really want to see, like the one about the surfing kitten, the Radical Lesbian Transvestite Chapter of \u201cJews for Jesus\u201d or the 83-year-old nun who plays for the Renegades. Therefore, we promise to spend our entire tenure doing nothing but going to events with free food.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Just for the heck of it, we would add to Monument Avenue a statue of Kermit the Frog. On horseback. With a tennis racket.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Our City cabinet would comprise entirely newspaper columnists. For example, Dave Barry would be our Secretary of Booger Jokes. George Will would be our Official Long-Words-Talkin\u2019-Guy. Ross Mackenzie of the Times-Dispatch would be our Footstool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 VCU students with pierced noses would have them filled with Silly Putty. Anyone found in coffeeshops wearing black talking about angst<\/em> (German for \u201cfish?\u201d We don\u2019t know.) would be burned at the stake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 To improve their disposition and efficiency, City Hall and DMV workers would be replaced by Cocker Spaniels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 We would eliminate the City Meals Tax, Personal Property Tax, Thumb Tax, etc. We would make up the money by declaring a Civil War Reconstruction Tax, paid for by giving $800 speeding tickets to everybody who drove through town on I-95 with a Yankee license plate, claiming that \u201cWe need the money to fix all the damage you guys did the last<\/em> time you were here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 To further establish our position as the Bitchin\u2019-est City in the State, we would beat up Charlottesville and take its lunch money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 City council decisions would all be decided by a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, or possibly Twister. Council members would be required<\/em> to take drugs so we could win.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 We would cut Richmond electric bills by sneaking over at night and plugging an enormous extension cord into Norfolk. If they complained, we would retaliate by claiming that they were trying to siphon the energy out of OUR appliances<\/em> and INTO their<\/em> walls. That\u2019ll confuse \u2018em.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The Richmond Symphony would be forced at gunpoint to play nothing but \u201cDef Leppard\u201d songs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 K-9 Police units would be equipped with Small Yipping Poodles, to make criminals giggle hysterically until they wet themselves and surrender.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 We would change the confusing street address numbering system in the city back<\/em> (?) to the Dewey Decimal System.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 You, the Average Taxpayer, could always have an appoinment with the Mayor, as long as you brought the beer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best of all \u2013 we\u2019re not kidding \u2013 if enough people send in contributions to The State earmarked for our campaign fund to pay for the filing fee, we will ACTUALLY REGISTER TO RUN FOR MAYOR! No jive! For real! Call the State and ask about it! Also, stop by and pick up your Amelia Invasion bumper sticker! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And if we win, we will personally mow the lawn of everyone who sent us money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can anyone else promise that? Besides your yard guy, if he\u2019s running, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And so we proudly proclaim some of our campaign slogans: \u201cWe\u2019ll paint any car for just $99.95!\u201d or \u201cVote for us or you\u2019ll learn a new meaning of Pain as you are slowly digested in the Belly of the Great Sarlacc for a Thousand Years!\u201d Or \u201cOr whatever!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a9 1995 Puff Carpluto<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1996 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for … Continue reading The Choice of a Weird Generation<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22],"class_list":["post-234","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/234","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=234"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/234\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":464,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/234\/revisions\/464"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=234"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=234"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=234"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}