{"id":238,"date":"1995-12-14T11:38:18","date_gmt":"1995-12-14T19:38:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=238"},"modified":"2020-06-20T14:12:02","modified_gmt":"2020-06-20T21:12:02","slug":"a-new-weasel-for-christmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1995\/12\/14\/a-new-weasel-for-christmas\/","title":{"rendered":"A New Weasel for Christmas"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, December 14 1995<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Hands down, our funniest column ever and maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever been involved in writing. Paul’s “INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM IN YOUR CHIMNEY RIGHT NOW” line was fantastic. The line “with a wink and a nod and a wet, hacking cough, ‘Slippy’ would be off to the next house to spread Holiday Joy and Large Ticks” was mine, and it was just plain f***ing hilarious. Anyway, just read it.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi.  We are Jeff and Paul.  We are the Two Wise Guys, and we bring Frankincense, Myrrh, and … uh … Cool Whip.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Slippy
Slippy the Christmas Weasel, our finest creation for The Richmond State.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

As mayoral candidates, we face the TOUGH issues.  Like Santa Claus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Isn\u2019t it about time we re-examined \u201cSanta Claus,\u201d alias<\/em> \u201cKris Kringle,\u201d alias<\/em> \u201cFather Christmas,\u201d alias<\/em> \u201cUncle Jesse?\u201d  This reputedly jolly, obviously corpulent mystery man has held a monopoly on the Christmas Mascot business for hundreds of years.  And while he has been breaking and entering into millions of homes, supposedly delivering \u201cgifts,\u201d what do we really<\/em> know about him? And why does he look so much like the late Jerry Garcia?  Nobody knows who this \u201cSanta\u201d (if that is<\/em> his real name) is, where he is from \u2013 aside from an obviously fraudulent \u201cNorth Pole\u201d P.O. Box address \u2013 or even what his motivation is.  We figure he\u2019s doing community service for an Elfnappingconviction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And his clothes … We don\u2019t want to alarm you, but his blatantly \u201cred\u201d garb seems to smack slightly of INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM IN YOUR<\/em> CHIMNEY RIGHT NOW.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Furthermore, how did he become the symbol of a holiday intended to celebrate a very serious religious event?  Perhaps some people are disturbed at the thought of their children in a  Olde Towne Centre Malle sitting on the lap of a Major Religious Figure.  At any rate \u2013 since it is probably too demeaning to imagine Jesus having Elves instead of Apostles \u2013 Santa Claus was substituted to make the holiday seem less religious, and more oriented toward obese people and flying deer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Santa\u2019s record has been rocky at best. He faced bad press after breaking an Elf Strike by threatening to move the franchise from the North Pole to Baltimore.  \u201c60 Minutes\u201d exposed his habit of feeding Rudolph only Jack Daniel\u2019s to make his nose red and that the white cuffs on his red suit and cap are made from the fur of baby seals he clubbed himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Santa was almost shot down by the Canadian Air Force in 1983, when they mistook him for a flock of Soviet geese.  His recent court appearance on a charge of Sleighing Under the Influence did not help matters, nor did his short-lived \u201cTundraVision\u201d cable network fiasco.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Santa reportedly turned to drinking after all of the water in his \u201cSanta-Land North-Pole Water-Slide Fun-Park\u201d froze and 38 children were encased in ice.  Not long thereafter, a USA Today<\/em> poll revealed \u2013 in a weather map-shaped graph \u2013 that everything west of the Missippi is a bizarre shade of orange.  The poll also showed that only 3% of children believe in Santa.  The kids didn\u2019t believe in Gerald Ford either, but that didn\u2019t help Santa\u2019s mood any.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, as a White Male Oppressor who hires midgets so he can claim them as tax write-offs, Santa is blatantly Politically Incorrect. He has also drawn fire for his policy among the elves of \u201cDon\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell.\u201d  This is an enlightened era and so-called-Santa\u2019s little \u201cReindeer Games\u201d are over.  Please consider, Cheery Holiday State<\/em> Reader, our comprehensive list of Alternate Christmas Mascots:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Kathy Ireland in a Victoria\u2019s Secret Mistletoe Neglige\u00e9: it would look much better on Coke glasses.  We\u2019d like to be on her \u201cnaughty\u201d list.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Frosty the Snowman: a longtime \u201cYuletide<\/em>\u201d (Swedish for \u201cfish?\u201d  We don\u2019t know.) favorite, he could come to the houses of good children everywhere, then melt on the carpet.  Disgusting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Erik Estrada, the Out-of-Work Actor: well, he needs a job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The Easter Bunny: tired of playing second-fiddle to some tubby guy with pint-sized laborers and a stable of airborne Norwegian mammals, he steps into his own.  He hops all over the world on Christmas Eve, and becomes very tired and bitter.  Then he throws his eggs at people\u2019s houses, or leaves rabbit droppings in the stockings of bad children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 David Hasselhoff: the good German kids who bought his albums would get the best presents. Anyone who actually bought the David Hasselhoff \u201cThey Love Me In Germany\u201d Box Set would get one of the \u201cBaywatch\u201d Girls with Silicone Breasts \u201cAction\u201d Figures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Mopey, the Manic-Depressive Elf: for people who think all this seasonal happiness is a bunch of crapola.  Mopey would dress in black, come through the front window in his \u201863 Dodge DeSoto, completely drunk, and leave a note about how he sold the toys to pay his analyst. Then he would slip some Prozac in your stocking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 A Big Inanimate Pile of Fruitcakes: a reminder that sometimes you don\u2019t get what you wanted for Christmas.  In fact, sometimes you get fruitcakes, which nobody<\/em> likes.  If fruitcakes could shoot themselves, they would.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Creepy, the Clown Dentist: he\u2019s not really suited to Christmas, but he would scare the HELL out of bad children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Waldheim, the Non-Flying Reindeer: jealous of his cousin Blitzen\u2019s success, he would acquire Santa in a leveraged-buyout and have the other reindeer sold as Puppy Chow.  Also, he\u2019s an ex-Nazi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 And our personal favorite, \u201cSlippy the Christmas Weasel.\u201d  Slippy is a total degenerate.  He drinks.  He smokes.  Furthermore, he\u2019s a weasel.  But he\u2019s still cutesy enough for merchandising. On Christmas Eve, Slippy would lather himself up with vaseline and travel from house to house through sewage pipes, arriving at houses through toilets and shower heads, delivering sugar plums, shiny new toy trucks and oozing globs of sewer scum he picked up along the way.  He would leave little puddles of Zesty Ranch Dressing in the childrens\u2019 stockings, whether they were bad or good or whatever.  He\u2019s too drunk to care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Imagine the joy of countless children, waiting up on Christmas Eve, staring maniacally at the chimney \u2013 only to discover \u201cSlippy\u201d slithering up through the drainpipes with his bag of Mutant Holiday Treats.  Imagine their peals of childish laughter and joy: \u201cAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!\u201d  Parents would greet this Bearer of Good Will, Gifts, and Infectious Diseases with a joyful \u201cMY GOD, what is that THING?\u201d while the young \u2018uns delightedly called out, \u201cDADDY, PLEASE SHOOT IT!!!\u201d and \u201cSlippy\u201d playfully retched all over their carpet and passed out in a drunken stupor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then, with a wink and a nod and a wet, hacking cough, \u201cSlippy\u201d would be off to the next house to spread Holiday Joy and Large Ticks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, there are drawbacks: \u201cSlippy\u201d could not use the sleigh and traditional reindeer, because he would try to eat them.  And it would be tough to replace Santa\u2019s jolly \u201cHo ho ho\u201d with \u201cSlippy\u2019s\u201d irritating high-pitched squeal. Most importantly, \u201cSlippy\u201d is still a weasel.  And that\u2019s disgusting<\/em>.  But with somebody named \u201cNewt\u201d in congress, who will notice?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In conclusion: wake up and smell the fruitcake, America!  Write your congressperson or congressweasel today and urge them to cut Santa\u2019s federal appropriations.  End this senseless holiday discrimination against vermin. Santa\u2019s day is done; let someone \u2013 or, someTHING \u2013 else take a shot at it.  Otherwise, after writing this, we\u2019re getting coal in their stockings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Merry Christmas, everybody.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HEY! Check out Jeff and Paul on the Internet at http:\/\/www.pluginc.com<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a91995 Puff Carpluto<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Hands down, our funniest column ever and maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever been involved in writing. Paul’s “INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM IN YOUR CHIMNEY RIGHT NOW” line was … Continue reading A New Weasel for Christmas<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,64,18],"tags":[22,31],"class_list":["post-238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-best-of-jeffcarl-com","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo","tag-slippy-the-christmas-weasel"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=238"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":282,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/238\/revisions\/282"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=238"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=238"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=238"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}