{"id":244,"date":"1996-01-04T12:29:50","date_gmt":"1996-01-04T20:29:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=244"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:04","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:04","slug":"mudslinging-with-a-catapult","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/01\/04\/mudslinging-with-a-catapult\/","title":{"rendered":"Mudslinging with a Catapult"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, January 4 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

With Richmond mayoral elections coming up, we threw our hat in the ring. Even though we both voted, we only received one vote. I suspect it was Paul. Anyway, the column was still pretty funny albeit littered with ultra-topical humor that has aged like room-temperature milk.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi.  We are Jeff and Paul.  As they say, life in politics is Hell.  As we<\/em><\/strong> say, so is watching \u201cMama\u2019s Family.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we, Jeff Carl and Paul Caputo, announced that we were running for mayor (as the composite candidate \u201cPuff Carpluto\u201d), we promised to take on the Tough Issues.  Of course, we thought the Tough Issues were \u201cShould I \u2018Super-Size\u2019 that Value Meal\u2122 or not?\u201d and \u201cShould Keanu Reeves be executed immediately, or be tortured first?  You know?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, it turns out that there really are<\/em> Tough Issues, like how a great place like Taco Bell could produce something as putrescently vile as \u201cPintos and Cheese\u201d \u2013 and, of course, the matter of Dirty Politics. It is a sad fact that political campaigns are sometimes waged with a ferocity normally reserved for Nuclear War and Fast-Pitch Softball.  It\u2019s ugly, but it can\u2019t be ignored, just like Roseanne.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We have discovered that our only competing candidate, Richmond Mayor Leonidas Young, has engaged in a sinister plot to be totally unaware of our existence.  It\u2019s underhanded dealing like this that really gets our dander up, whatever that means.  We wanted to run a nice, clean campaign \u2013 one where each candidate would be judged on his\/her\/their merits, like their ability to play Whiffle Ball.  But NOOOOOOO<\/em>.  Well<\/em>, \u201cReverend\u201d  \u201cLeonidas\u201d Young \u2013 if that is<\/em> your real name \u2013 have it your way.  The gloves are off, and this<\/em> time the hand is on the other foot, Mr. Mayor-Type Person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Through our investigave journalism techniques (watching \u201cSeinfeld\u201d and drinking Mountain Dew until our eyeballs explode), we have discovered a copy of the script for Oliver Stone\u2019s next movie. (Somebody wrapped a rock around it and threw it through Paul\u2019s car windshield.)  Stone, as you may know unless you\u2019re from Outer Space, or possibly Canada, is famous for controversial films (such as \u201cJFK,\u201d which revealed that Kennedy was assassinated by the CIA, Fidel Castro and \u201cBarney the Dinosaur;\u201d and \u201cNixon,\u201d which revealed that Nixon was a \u201cjerk.\u201d)  Stone\u2019s next target is the sordid and sinister career of RICHMOND\u2019S OWN LEONIDAS YOUNG. Wow, right?!<\/em>  You know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, anyway, here are highlights from the upcoming movie:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLEONIDAS\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

an Oliver Stone film<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

brought to you by Jiffy Lube, National Public Radio, Girl Scout Troop #327, and the letter \u201cQ\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The movie begins with young candidate Leonidas Young (played by James Earl Jones) accepting campaign contributions from a shadowy representative of a \u201cbig, out-of-town company\u201d that wants to \u201cbuild a major facility\u201d in the Richmond \u201carea.\u201d  Reporters discover that the representative is Darth Vader (also played by James Earl Jones).  His plans to build a third \u201cDeath Star,\u201d just north of Chippenham Parkway, are scrapped when he proposes a new Toll Road to access it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Threatened by a news story revealing his shadowy years as a \u201cFoxy Boxing\u201d promoter, Young blackmails NewsChannel 6 anchor Charles Fishburne (David Hasselhoff), threatening to reveal that Fishburne is actually a Muppet. Young (J. Earle Dunford) blackmails the other major stations as well (threatening to reveal Lisa Schaffner\u2019s role in the movie \u201cPrison Girls, Part 7\u201d and Gene Cox\u2019s days as a  KGB telemarketer). Fox-35 gets the story but boldly decides to \u201cbump\u201d it for a story about a surfing nun who is a \u201cclose personal friend\u201d of several Space Aliens (Prince).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Newly-elected Mayor Young (Scorpio) plots against a political rival (Steve Guttenberg), and strikes a deal with members of an underworld \u201cfamily\u201d (the Pointer Sisters) known only as \u201cAllen, Allen, Allen, Allen, Allen & Allen.\u201d  The next day, his political opponent is speaking at a rally when an unknown assailant in the crowd brutally sues him.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The mayor\u2019s popularity surges when he announces his plans to change Richmond\u2019s motto from \u201cRichmond: Gunshot Flesh Wound Capital of the World\u201d to \u201cRichmond: Many of Us are Still Alive,\u201d and hires Police Chief Jerry Oliver (Wesley Snipes) to improve the city\u2019s crime rate (Jimmy \u201cJ.J.\u201d Walker). At a year-end press conference, he gloats over the mere 118 murders (TRUE FACT! That\u2019s only<\/em> one every three days!) in the city in 1995.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey,\u201d he says, \u201cThat\u2019s pretty damn good, especially compared to other large cities, like Sarajevo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Young\u2019s popularity peaks when Richmond sculptor Paul \u201cBut is it Art?\u201d DiPasquale (Joe Pesci) presents plans for a sculpture of  Young (see page 137) to be placed on Monument Avenue. Young is pictured holding a tennis racket, riding on a horse (John Goodman), and, inexplicably, eating a Pop-Tart (Madonna) (Get it?  It\u2019s witty<\/em>.  \u201cPop\u201d … \u201cTart?\u201d<\/em>  Aw, Hell with it.)  But his empire soon begins to crumble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Richmond Times-Dispatch<\/em> Editor Ross McKenzie (Satan) attacks the statue (Kevin Costner) in the paper\u2019s editorial, saying, \u201cMaybe we could have a special<\/em> place for statues of black people … like someone\u2019s basement. Furthermore, Bill Clinton is fat.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Young tries to pressure the Times-Dispatch<\/em> (Steven Seagal), threatening to reveal all those calls they made to the \u201cGeorge Allen Fantasy Chat Line.\u201d  For a time, it appears to work: two Times-Dispatch<\/em> reporters (Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman) investigating Young\u2019s story mysteriously decide to quit their jobs, saying that their newspaper is \u201ca pile of crap.\u201d  Actually, that\u2019s not mysterious at all.  Two Style Weekly<\/em> reporters (Pauly Shore and ALF) investigating the same story are stonewalled, because nobody will believe they work for a real newspaper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Days later, as Young (BA \u201867, MBA \u201874) is leaving church, TV news reporter Biff McNamara (Patrick Swayze) rushes up to the mayor, claiming to have have uncovered the shocking secret that he \u201cwas getting some serious \u2018second-base action\u2019 with former U.N. Ambassador Jeane Kirkpatrick (Gary Coleman).\u201d  Young (4 Grammy Nominations), cool under fire, escapes the veteran reporter by pointing behind him and shouting, \u201cWow! Isn\u2019t that \u2018Sir Woofs-a-Lot,\u2019 the talking dog?\u201d and running away.  The reporter is discovered several days later in the same place, asking passersby if they have seen a talking dog, and then getting punched.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Young is disturbed that reporters have found the ugly secret truth (Roseanne, see above).  But who is the \u201cleak\u201d on the inside? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We don\u2019t want to ruin the movie for you, but since it doesn\u2019t actually exist (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson), why not? The leak turns out to be the Pope, who is involved with a conspiracy implicating the Cubans (Paul Rodriguez and Manny Mota), Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) and most of the 1973 Philadelphia Flyers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the most dramatic moment in any movie ever \u2013 except maybe the shower scene from \u201cStripes\u201d \u2013 Young (Neutral-Chaotic Magic User, +20 HP) holds a press conference, blaming his problems on \u201ccholesterol addiction.\u201d He resigns,and travels the country,getting paid Two Bajillion dollars an hour to speak at graduations and Bar Mitzvahs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now you know the real<\/em> story, except for most of it, which was \u201ctotally false.\u201d  Furthermore, if Young can come up with anything more outlandish about us<\/em>, we promise not to deny it.  Now that\u2019s<\/em> fair politics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a9 1996 Puff Carpluto<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hey! Check out Jeff and Paul (Waldorf and Statler) on the Internet at http:\/\/www.pluginc.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl With Richmond mayoral elections coming up, we threw our hat in the ring. Even though we both voted, we only received one vote. I suspect it was Paul. Anyway, the column was still pretty funny albeit littered with ultra-topical humor that has aged like room-temperature milk. Hi.  We are Jeff … Continue reading Mudslinging with a Catapult<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22,39],"class_list":["post-244","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo","tag-richmond"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/244","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=244"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/244\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":280,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/244\/revisions\/280"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=244"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=244"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=244"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}