{"id":246,"date":"1996-01-21T12:33:34","date_gmt":"1996-01-21T20:33:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=246"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:04","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:04","slug":"general-disassembly-part-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/01\/21\/general-disassembly-part-one\/","title":{"rendered":"General Disassembly, Part One"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, January 21 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

At the time, the Virginia General Assembly was looking for a new state song to replace its old one, (which was, according to Paul, “Skull-crunchingly offensive and racist,”) the classic Civil War-era tune “Let’s Subjugate the Non-Whites.” This was the first part of our hard-hitting look at what the General Assembly actually does, which was “not much.” Paul and I presented our suggested replacement, which I think unfairly lost because it didn’t have music and we never officially submitted it.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi. We are Jeff and Paul, as enforcable by article 7-D, section 423 of the Virginia State Code<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We all know that there are certain places downtown that decent people just don\u2019t go to at night.  Like the General Assembly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Virginia’s General Assembly is back in \u201caction.\u201d  Each day, our wacky legislative pals perform that miraculous process (Photosynthesis?  We\u2019re not sure.) whereby a Bill is suggested, sings to children on the courthouse steps, then Becomes a Law.  At least that\u2019s the way it worked on \u201cSchoolhouse Rock.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But what do we really<\/em> know about our state legislature?  What do they do all day?  And why does it cost so much?  Raise your hand if you can name more than two people in the General Assembly.  Any guesses?  No, \u201cCatfish Hunter\u201d was a relief pitcher for the Yankees.  Can anybody<\/em> do it?  Does anybody want to?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well,we<\/em> don\u2019t know anybody in the GA either. You could have named \u201cI. P. Freely\u201d and \u201cOliver Closeoff\u201d and we wouldn\u2019t have been able to correct you.  But the point remains that we simply need to know more about our state legislature.  As Thomas Jefferson probably said, \u201cIgnorance of one\u2019s legislature threatens democracy, and causes nausea and swollen lymph nodes in some cases.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, fortunately for you \u2013 and your lymph nodes \u2013 we, Jeff and Paul, intrepid reporters, non-award-winning columnists and congenital smart-asses, are here to find out about the legislature, so you<\/em> don\u2019t have to.  This saves you, the reader, valuable Intellectual Effort points which can be redeemed at the end of the show for valuable prizes and little ceramic gnome statues. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So this is the nub of our gist, if we\u2019re allowed to use that expression in a family newspaper: this column is the first of a two-part investigative series on the Virginia General Assembly.  In the first part (\u201cPart One\u201d), we review the vital matters currently facing the GA.  In the second part (\u201cThe Second Part\u201d), we will actually spend a day at the legislature, and presumably live to tell the tale.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are many important and extremely serious issues facing the Commonwealth of Virginia. This is why the GA spends more than nine months out of every year arguing about what the Official State Song should be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The current State Song , \u201cGod Bless White People\u201d (or something like that) is seen by some as being somewhat \u201cout of date,\u201d or perhaps even \u201cskull-crunchingly offensive and racist.\u201d The more neutral proposed replacement, \u201cO Virginia, Home of Many Kinds of Trees and Shrubs,\u201d has actually bored several legislators to death. We think this recommends the song highly.  But the rest of us might eventually have to hear it, which would be bad.  Take as evidence the following lyrics from the song\u2019s second verse (but don\u2019t take them if you\u2019re operating heavy machinery):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            \u201cO state of ours, you are also in grass quite wealthy\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Some of which is crab grass, which you should pull\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            To keep your lawn\u2019s root structures healthy\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            And O dear Virginia keep thy weed-sprayer full.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

With only these two possibilities from which to choose, it\u2019s no wonder that the General Assembly always is forced to put aside the serious issues (1. Who am I taking to the Legislative Prom? and 2. What would a grade school teacher do<\/em> with more than $8,000 a year?) to discuss The State Song.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In lieu of our original plan (offering the Buttsteak song \u201cLint-Lover\u2019s Pizza\u201d as an alternative), we decided to write our own State Song. We did this and were very proud of our achievement until someone told us that the tune we used was exactly the same as the J. Geils Band\u2019s \u201cHot Cross Buns.\u201d  Also, the lyrics were all stolen from the theme song to \u201cThe Dukes of Hazzard.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We made a list of all the things we think make Virginia great (or that would at least sound good in a song). The list we came up with (1. There are lots of mountains in it, and 2. It\u2019s not New Jersey.) didn\u2019t have enough rhyming words in it, so we decided to leave it and  come back to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Among the important issues facing the GA are (True Fact!) whether to allow judges to carry concealed weapons, whether to raise the legal driving age from 16 to 17 (Also A True Fact!), whether to raise the highway speed limit from 65 miles per hour to 70 (Still True!), and whether Keanu Reeves should be named the Official State Fruit (True In An Absract Sort of Way!). A recent NewsChannel 6 poll about these issues revealed that most Richmonders were watching another station.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, the idea of allowing judges to carried concealed weapons is perfectly logical. It worked really well in \u201cJudge Dredd.\u201d  Judges constantly have to worry about the seedy unscrupulous types who frequent their court rooms every day. Also, they deal with a lot of criminals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            LAWYER: Your honor, I object!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            JUDGE: Would counsel please approach the bench?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            LAWYER: Yes, your honor?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            JUDGE: Object to this<\/em>, scumball!  BLAM! BLAM!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            The resulting increase in dead lawyers could be offset by importing leeches from swamps in Florida.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            The most intriguing possibilities facing the GA are the ones concerning driving. Apparently, the state legislature figures that since more than half of the people in state have figured out that you shouldn\u2019t drive in reverse in the left lane on highways, and that \u201cYield\u201d does not actually mean \u201cSlam on your brakes!  Do it now!!!,\u201d Virginians should be allowed more automotive freedom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            While this seems fine at first glance, you should keep in mind that Virginians are the same people who thought that the best way to handle the road conditions during the Blizzard of \u201896 was to park their cars on top of each other sideways in the middle of Broad Street, and call Channel 12 for a ride to the grocery store.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Incidentally, we are in favor of raising the speed limit to 70, although we would also recommend introducing the Death Penalty for people who drive too slow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We decided to incorporate all of this into our proposed state song.  Why?  We\u2019re still<\/em> not sure.  At any rate, here it is:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cVirginia: First In Our Hearts, But Fifth To Last in the Alphabet.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(sung to the tune of \u201cThe Addams Family\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            The ham is in the kitchen\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            The R-Braves, they are pitchin\u2019\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Virginia, you are bitchin\u2019\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            And this is your state song.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            The judges, they are packin\u2019\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            The murder rate is slackin\u2019\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            The legislature\u2019s backin\u2019\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Virginia\u2019s new state song!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Da da da dum (snap snap)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Great folks!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Da da da dum (snap snap)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Phillip Morris smokes!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Da da da dum, da da da dum! snap snap)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            No joke!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            O \u201cYield\u201d does not mean stoppin\u2019\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Speed limits, they ain\u2019t droppin\u2019\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            At Ukrop\u2019s we are shoppin\u2019\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            Virginia really rules!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re trying to put a band together to record this song, so if you\u2019re interested and you don\u2019t play the accordion, contact us c\/o The State.  We\u2019d like to make a demo tape for the legislature.  We\u2019re confident that, with a little luck, it will top the charts in Belgium.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ACHTUNG!  JEFF UND PAUL ARE ON DER INTERNET AT http:\/\/www.pluginc.com!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a91996 Puff Carpluto<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl At the time, the Virginia General Assembly was looking for a new state song to replace its old one, (which was, according to Paul, “Skull-crunchingly offensive and racist,”) the classic Civil War-era tune “Let’s Subjugate the Non-Whites.” This was the first part of our hard-hitting look at what the … Continue reading General Disassembly, Part One<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22,39,58],"class_list":["post-246","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo","tag-richmond","tag-virginia"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/246","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=246"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/246\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":283,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/246\/revisions\/283"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=246"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=246"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=246"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}