{"id":253,"date":"1996-02-11T14:00:02","date_gmt":"1996-02-11T22:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=253"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:49","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:49","slug":"give-a-hoot-pass-the-wings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/02\/11\/give-a-hoot-pass-the-wings\/","title":{"rendered":"Give a Hoot, Pass the Wings"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, February 11 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

I think The Richmond State may have teased this above the fold on A1 as a “Hooters expose.” We didn’t actually expose anything at Hooters, except the fact that Hooters waitresses only made $2.13 an hour and depended on the tips of loser guys like ourselves to make a living, which made the whole thing more sad than funny. At least the wings were good.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi. We are Jeff and Paul. Some folks say we\u2019re the \u201cPongo Twistleton of the \u201890s!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you have never heard the expression, \u201cA city is made by its food,\u201d it\u2019s because that\u2019s a rotten expression and no one would ever use it. However, it remains true that one must look at a city\u2019s restaurants before one can really understand a city, and authoritatively say, for example, \u201cThis city sucks.\u201d It is for this reason that we, Jeff and Paul, visited each of Richmond\u2019s finest restaurants last week just to run up our lavish Richmond State<\/em> expense account. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, actually, that\u2019s a lie. The Richmond State<\/em> couldn\u2019t afford Jeff\u2019s bar tab.  But we did drive past a lot of restaurants on our way to \u201cHooters.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Writing about our visit to Hooters is risky, not only because of its controversial nature, but also because of the possiblity that our girlfriends might read this column. It wasn\u2019t easy to write, because, let\u2019s face it, it\u2019s just hard to think when you\u2019re waist-deep in cleavage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But since the mayoral election idea was deep-sixed, we needed something<\/em> important and thought-provoking to write about besides David Hasselhoff.  In a bizarre coincidence, we just happened<\/em> to decide to write about something that had a large quotient of scantily-clad girls with large breasts.  Pure coincidence, really.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before we go on, we should mention that many people \u2014 most of them do-gooder-liberals and other derelicts \u2014 do not like Hooters restaurants. The Real Truth is that every word the restaurant chain\u2019s critics have ever uttered has been absolutely 100 percent true. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The wings really are not<\/em> that good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Furthermore, in a blatant<\/em> case of false advertising, owls were nowhere<\/em> to be found on the menu.  So why do people go there?  We had to investigate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We arrived late one night at the restaurant on Broad Street (which we\u2019ve heard was named after Hooters).  As we opened the door, a strong gust of cold air blew in on the scantily-clad greeter.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was a sight that every 15-year-old boy on earth figures Heaven looks like. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The greeter, who we are sure is a wonderful person and a sensitive intellectual, was, through no fault of her own, EXTREMELY attractive. She was wearing an outfit that could only be properly described by males through a series of guttural sounds and mildly obscene hand gestures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We, of course, deplore this nonsense. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We paused a moment and deplored from a couple of different angles, then followed the extremely attractive hostess (Making sure to deplore some more along the way!) to our table.  As we looked around the dining room, we noticed that Hooters was filled with celebrities and other important people. In a booth to the left, we saw Associate Supreme Court Justice David Souter. Then, on the right, we saw hick superstar comedian Jeff Foxworthy, and several other people who were also Jeff Foxworthy.  Also, unsurprisingly, Elvis was there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The actual building reflected the spirit of the restaurant. The architecture was sort of Post-Colonial Lincoln Logs, designed by Fisher-Price and decorated by Beavis and Butthead, but without the AC-DC posters. On the walls, which were lined with large multi-colored Christmas lights, there was a series of humorous but obviously fake signs: \u201cCaution: Blondes Thinking,\u201d \u201cLook Out!  There are Many Large Breasts Here!\u201d and \u201cNewsChannel 6 \u2014 Coverage You Can Count On.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As we sat down, we noticed that one of the waitresses was using the intercom system (a megaphone inside an enormous tin can)  had organized a trivia game for the customers, which they were all actively engaged in ignoring.  An actual quotation follows:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SCANTILY CLAD HOSTESS: Who discovered the electric light?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PEOPLE EATING: …..<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(five minute pause<\/em>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PEOPLE EATING: ……<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SCANTILY CLAD HOSTESS: Um, okay, that was, uh, Miles Standish.  Next question!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We would have preferred an informal version of \u201cThe $20,000 Pyramid.\u201d involving her and several of the restaurant\u2019s patrons. The exchange would go something like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUmm … these are things on your chest …\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThings which are minty?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou put them in a bra…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUhhh … toilet paper?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo … they have nipples …\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNewt Gingrich?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo … OK … \u2018Everybody has seen Madonna\u2019s …\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe TV show Sheriff Lobo<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, no, uh … PASS!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At any rate, when the food eventually came, it was kinda okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So whither the Hooters Controversy?  Recently, the ACLU vowed to fight for men\u2019s rights to work as waitresses at Hooters. The controversy culminated in a Washington D.C. rally that featured many (\u201ceight\u201d) Hooters waitresses chanting catchy slogans (\u201cHey, ho! Having men as waiters would suck because guys go there to look at our enormous breasts and since guys don\u2019t have enormous breasts \u2014 most of them, anyway \u2014 we think they should not be waitresses at Hooters!\u201d … um, OK, maybe the slogans weren\u2019t that catchy) outside the White House until Al Gore had the Secret Service bring them in for \u201cquestioning.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As semi-responsible journalists, we took a moment to interview our waitress about the male waitress controversy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul:<\/strong> So, have you had any men come in here to apply for jobs?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Waitress:<\/strong> You want a job here?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul: <\/strong>No no no. We\u2019re doing an interview for The Richmond State<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Waitress:<\/strong> The what? You can\u2019t work here, you know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jeff:<\/strong> Will you go out with me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During the course of the interview, we discovered some disturbing facts. First, it was revealed that a Hooters waitress earns an hourly wage of $2.13, plus tips, which consist of roughly pocket change and half a pack of chiclets per night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The second, even more disturbing fact revealed during the interview was that we had been ogling somebody\u2019s mom.<\/em>  In fact, our waitress talked about her child at length.  This really brought it home, because Paul and Jeff, oddly enough, both<\/em> have moms \u2013 neither of whom we could imagine working at Hooters.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In reality, it\u2019s very difficult to look at the whole Hooters Male Waitresses Controversy and see the restaurant and its current female (very<\/em> female, we might add) waitresses as the villains.  At least the restaurant is upfront about its purposes: it is designed for guys \u2013 who obviously need girlfriends \u2013 to come there and feel cool, staring at the surroundings (or, as Paul remarked at one point, nearly spitting out his Ultra Mild Menthol Chicken wing, \u201cThere\u2019s … there\u2019s just ass<\/em> everywhere!\u201d)  Male waitresses simply don\u2019t fit in.  Every job should be open to both sexes as long as both sexes are qualified<\/em>.  The qualifications for being a Hooters waitress\/waiter are something like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Y   N   1. I have large, floppy breasts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Y   N   2. I can fit into really tight shorts that were OBVIOUSLY not designed with the male anatomy in mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Y   N   3. I am suitable to be stared at by guys who aren\u2019t \u201cgetting any\u201d but need to prove their manhood while eating chicken wings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re guessing that most guys would have to answer \u201cno.\u201d  And we don\u2019t want to meet the guys who answered \u201cyes.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl I think The Richmond State may have teased this above the fold on A1 as a “Hooters expose.” We didn’t actually expose anything at Hooters, except the fact that Hooters waitresses only made $2.13 an hour and depended on the tips of loser guys like ourselves to make a … Continue reading Give a Hoot, Pass the Wings<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22],"class_list":["post-253","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/253","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=253"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/253\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":286,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/253\/revisions\/286"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=253"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=253"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=253"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}