{"id":260,"date":"1996-02-20T15:21:18","date_gmt":"1996-02-20T23:21:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=260"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:48","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:48","slug":"howards-end-or-not","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/02\/20\/howards-end-or-not\/","title":{"rendered":"Howard\u2019s End … Or Not"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, February 20 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

At the time, there was a Very Moral campaign to get the Howard Stern Show<\/em> kicked off of the radio station in Richmond that carried it. We bravely faced down the “advertisers’ boycott” against Howard Stern and spoke out against it. Mainly because nobody was advertising in The Richmond State<\/em> anyway. We gave out our actual real phone numbers in the column, but for some reason nobody – not one single person – called to complain. We chose not to apply Occam’s Razor to this conundrum.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi. We are Jeff and Paul. You\u2019re listening to WARP 101.8, \u201cThe Sounds of Crap!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you listen to the radio, or are just not dead, then you know that radio station 106.5 \u201cWheel of Formats\u201d WVGO recently brought wildly popular and also tall morning radio personality Howard \u201cWheel of \u2018Penis\u2019 Jokes\u201d Stern to Richmond. The move ranked just above the At-Large Mayor Issue and just below the Whether-Cream-of-Wheat-and-Grits-are-the-Same-Thing Controversy on the Official News Media Controversy-O-Meter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In response, a group called The Citizens for Better Broadcasting (\u201cCBB\u201d) (Or possibly \u201cCFBB,\u201d or \u201cTCFBB,\u201d or \u201cTCBY\u201d or maybe just \u201cKim\u201d) declared war on WVGO and set about getting Stern removed from Richmond airwaves.  How?  By lobbying businesses to stop advertising on Stern\u2019s show, or else. Or else all three people <\/em>in the organization were not<\/em> buying lunch at Dominic\u2019s of New York.  WVGO retaliated by airing the phone number of the CBB and asking listeners to call and lobby the CBB to go bite themselves.  Then the CBB stopped answering the phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So whence the controversy?  Howard Stern, most famous of the \u201cShock Jocks,\u201d does a radio show from (True Fact!) New York City, which is listened to, according to Stern, by more than 300 trillion people daily, several of whom have IQs.  Here is an actual transcript (Blatant Lie!) of Howard and his co-host Robin Quivers:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HOWARD:<\/strong> Penis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ROBIN:<\/strong> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Repeat.  Rinse.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This seems bad until you consider the other<\/em> morning personalities, like John Boy and Billy, on 96.5 WLEE:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOHN BOY:<\/strong> YEEEEEEE HAW!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

BILLY:<\/strong> NASCAR!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOHN BOY:<\/strong> AWRAHT!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

BILLY: <\/strong>SoooooooooWEEEEEE!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOHN BOY:<\/strong> Well, if mah family tree don\u2019t fork, we got us a caller on the TELLY-PHONE!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

BILLY:<\/strong> Yer on the air!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CALLER:<\/strong> YEEEEEEE HAW!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOHN BOY:<\/strong> NASCAR!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So what makes a few people, namely the CBB, risk their lives (or whatever) just to get one morning radio deejay off the air?  We don\u2019t know.  Probably something. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We decided to investigate. We divvied up the work, approaching the story using the classic \u201cPincers Movement\u201d: Jeff would contact the CBB and Paul would contact WVGO.  Then we would both<\/em> contact Ukrop\u2019s and ask to have \u201cHugh Jass\u201d paged over the P.A. system.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jeff called the CBB and got an answering machine that said, to paraphrase cheerfully, \u201cThis is the Citizens for Better Broadcasting and you can rot in Hell.\u201d Jeff left a message explaining that we are serious columnists for a serious newspaper. We just hoped they had never read the State<\/em>.  Anyway, Jeff called back later and got the same message.  Then he called again and got a recorded message saying that the line was \u201cbeing checked for trouble.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile, Paul violated the International Newspaper Columnist Code (\u201cDon\u2019t do any work\u201d) and interviewed WVGO program director Bill \u201cCheerful On-Air Personality with a Different Name\u201d Glasser about the Howard Stern controversy. Glasser explained that the CBB was \u201charrassing\u201d Richmond businesses that advertise during Stern\u2019s show by calling them and threatening a boycott. However, none of the Richmond businesses was forced to disconnect its phones and put signs on its doors saying \u201cGo Away!  Lots of Plague Here!\u201d Which is poignant, because that\u2019s exactly what the CBB did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why?  Try this: Move to Germany and establish an organization dedicated to banning David Hasselhoff. Keep in mind that all Germans are fanatical lunatics who would sell their own mothers to get a \u201cKnight Rider\u201d T-shirt. Now<\/em> advertise your home phone number on the nightly \u201cDavid Hasselhoff Worship Hour\u201d in D\u00fcsseldorf and put a big sign on your house that says \u201cPlease Riot Here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is around about how it must have felt to be a CBB staffer.  Either of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jeff called the CBB again and got a message saying that the number had been changed.  In fact, it had been changed into Japanese so nobody<\/em> could call it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul got bored and interviewed social commentator and Channel 12 reporter Vince Maddox about the issue. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo way,\u201d Maddox said (True Fact!). \u201cUnh-uh. I don\u2019t want to be in that newspaper. You\u2019ll misquote me. You\u2019ll have me saying something stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His fears proved to be justified.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile, Jeff, getting desperate, was going house-to-house in the Richmond Metro Area, knocking on doors at random and asking, \u201cAre you<\/em> the CBB?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At long last, Paul received the phone message we had been waiting for. \u201cMr. Caputo,\u201d it said. \u201cThis is the University of Richmond calling to remind you that you have not officially graduated until you pay your campus parking tickets.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, a woman from the CBB called. She said that she \u201cappreciated our interest\u201d but that the media \u201ccontinues to slant the story toward the big money.\u201d She said \u2014 to paraphrase \u2014 that she wouldn\u2019t wrap dead fish with a rag like The Richmond State<\/em> and that we were going to have to do our story without a comment from the CBB.  Oh, and by the way, she hoped we would be fair and objective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are certain things you just don\u2019t do<\/em> if you want fair coverage from the media.  Refusing to talk to reporters is about eight of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Actually, we<\/em> thought it was great. We figured that since they wouldn\u2019t deny it, we could assume the CBB\u2019s real<\/em> purpose was to start a fast-food restaurant that specialized in Clubbed-Baby-Seal Burgers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The sad thing is that we were actually prepared to like<\/em> the CBB, since they are private citizens attempting to affect censorship, rather than getting the government to do it.  That\u2019s the sort of free-enterprise spirit that we, being mean people anyway, admire.  But if you can\u2019t be bothered to explain yourself, be prepared for others to do it for you, and to mention Clubbed Baby Seal Burgers while they\u2019re doing it.           <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But, all petty spitefulness aside, the CBB maintains that it is trying to bring a standard of common decency to Richmond radio. This is fine in theory, but is actually<\/em> quite stupid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many modern radios include a wonderful device, called the \u201cOff Switch,\u201d which allows you to turn them off if you don\u2019t like what you\u2019re hearing<\/em>. Other, deluxe-model radios sometimes even allow you to change stations, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If the CBB were truly<\/em> interested in decency, it would have formed years ago, attempting to outlaw fat men who wear bikini briefs as swim-suits, girls who don\u2019t shave their legs and the senior citizens\u2019 home in Chesterfield called (True Fact!) \u201cThe Happy Woodpecker.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We truly were<\/em> disappointed that the CBB would not talk with us. We understand that Stern\u2019s show is \u201cslightly offensive\u201d (a term derived from the latin Offens, <\/em>meaning \u201cthis guy\u201d and Ive<\/em>, meaning \u201cwho is a total jerkface\u201d), but so is just about anything on television except for tests of the Emergency Broadcasting System. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It all comes down to this: People who get outraged about something like Howard Stern should get a sense of humor<\/em>, or at least lease one with attractive financing.  Neither of us agrees with much that Stern has to say, but we still think he\u2019s funny.  Mind you, he\u2019s not witty like \u201cMad Dog,\u201d but he is<\/em>good for a chuckle.  This is more than the CBB can say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And if the CBB wants our phone numbers, they are 355-3981 and 672-8529.  But please be fair.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl At the time, there was a Very Moral campaign to get the Howard Stern Show kicked off of the radio station in Richmond that carried it. We bravely faced down the “advertisers’ boycott” against Howard Stern and spoke out against it. Mainly because nobody was advertising in The Richmond State anyway. We … Continue reading Howard\u2019s End … Or Not<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22],"class_list":["post-260","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=260"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":465,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/260\/revisions\/465"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=260"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=260"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=260"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}