{"id":265,"date":"1996-03-17T09:24:21","date_gmt":"1996-03-17T17:24:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=265"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:48","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:48","slug":"furthermore-also","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/03\/17\/furthermore-also\/","title":{"rendered":"Furthermore, Also!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, March 17 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Our predictions for the 1996 Presidential election, including Lamar Alexander’s blaming of unemployment on “Space Aliens.” While we weren’t technically correct in our prediction that the 1996 election would be won by the cast of “Friends,” we still think they would have won if Chandler hadn’t gone into rehab.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hello (note change). We are Jeff and Paul. We put the \u201cech\u201d back in \u201celection.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In recent weeks, there has been much serious discussion of the big issues facing the nation\u2019s presidential hopefuls. Frankly, that<\/em> is the kind of claptrap you might read in boring newspapers (like The Richmond Times-Dispatch<\/em>) or fundamentalist extremist pamphlets (like The Richmond Times-Dispatch<\/em>).Well, there\u2019s none of that crapola in The Richmond State<\/em>. Nosiree Bob.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because we<\/em> just got our Crystal (\u201cMagic 8\u201d) Ball out again to predict what was going to happen in the election. This saves you<\/em> valuable time reading newspapers, when you could<\/em> have been watching \u201cPunky Brewster.\u201d So go ahead and cancel your subscription to the Times-Dispatch<\/em>, and send us<\/em> the money instead. You\u2019ll thank us later. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Decision \u201896: A Look Ahead<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

March 14:<\/strong> President Clinton hits the campaign trail for the state primaries. He promises to \u201ctax you bastards back to the Stone Age.\u201d He adds, \u201cHey! You don\u2019t like it? Vote for someone else. Oops! I\u2019m the only one on the ticket!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

March 18:<\/strong> Lamar Alexander gets back in the race, claiming that \u201cthe tiny flowers told me to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

March 19:<\/strong> Republican Richard Lugar drops out of the race, sparking headlines around the country of \u201cWeather to Remain Cloudy Through Weekend.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

April 4:<\/strong> Bob Dole opts not to attend a debate among Republican hopefuls because he \u201calways chokes during Double Jeopardy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

April 16:<\/strong> Richard Lugar drops back in<\/em> the race. An opinion poll reveals that 99% of Americans believe that he is not a real person, but a joke candidate with a silly name, like \u201cHugh G. Rection.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

May 4:<\/strong> Clinton arrives in Utah for the Democratic primary there and promises \u201cI\u2019ll personally kick the ass of everybody who votes for me. I dare<\/em> you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

May 20:<\/strong> Lamar Alexander\u2019s campaign stalls when, in a televised debate, he blames unemployment on \u201cSpace Aliens.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

June 1:<\/strong> Malcolm \u201cSteve\u201d Forbes spends an unprecedented $400 gazillion on advertising to annouce that Richard Lugar is dropping out of the race.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

June 18:<\/strong> Pat Buchanan, fighting allegations of racism, claims that he has met several<\/em> black people, and tipped them all very well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

July 2:<\/strong> Clinton, campaigning for the Wyoming state primary, places a random phone call to a Wyoming resident and asks him to \u201clet people know I\u2019m running, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

July 7:<\/strong> Dole\u2019s approval rating slips into negative numbers when he changes his campaign slogan from \u201cThe Choice of an Old Rich White Generation\u201d to \u201cSoon I\u2019ll Be Dead.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

July 22:<\/strong> Dole fails to show for yet another Republican debate, saying, \u201cI had to wash my hair.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 6:<\/strong> President Clinton takes his campaign to Delaware. \u201cNice quote-unquote \u2018state\u2019 you got here,\u201d he says, adding, \u201cI hope all 12 of you voted for me in your primary last month. But you know what? I really don\u2019t give<\/em> a dead rat\u2019s ass.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 12:<\/strong> In a speech at the Republican national convention in San Diego, Malcom \u201cSteve\u201d Forbes admits that there is just no way<\/em> for \u201cSteve\u201d to be short for \u201cMalcolm.\u201d Furthermore, he says, \u201cI\u2019m not wearing any pants right now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 13:<\/strong> At the convention, Bob Dole wins the GOP nomination, barely edging out surprise contenders Elizabeth Dole and \u201cPongo Twistleton.\u201d Dole introduces the GOP\u2019s election slogan: \u201cDole: Because I\u2019m older and meaner.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 14:<\/strong> Buchanan, spurned by the party\u2019s voters but still a good sport about it, announces that \u201ceverybody can go bite me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 15:<\/strong> Lamar Alexander, desperate for publicity, announces that \u201ceverybody can bite me, too, if they want.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 19:<\/strong> Richard Lugar announces that he may drop out of the race, adding, \u201cand then<\/em> you\u2019d be sorry!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 21:<\/strong> Republican leaders search long and hard for a Vice Presidential candidate to perfectly complement Bob Dole. Unfortunately, Ray Charles turns down the invitation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 23:<\/strong> Buchanan is frustrated when, searching for a name for his own new political party, an aide informs him that \u201cNazi\u201d was taken already.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 26:<\/strong> At the Democratic convention, Clinton accepts the party\u2019s nomination. His entire acceptance speech: \u201cOh, big<\/em> surprise. Yeah, whatever.\u201d Clinton and Gore capture all but three Democratic delegates, who remain steadfast in their support for Jimmy \u201cJ. J.\u201d Walker and \u201cPongo Twistleton.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

September 1:<\/strong> Buchanan, still searching for a party name, rejects \u201cThe Cranky White Party;\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s My Party and I\u2019ll Run if I Want To;\u201d and \u201cThe Citizens for Better Broadcasting.\u201d He eventually settles on the \u201cI Hate People Party.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

September 9:<\/strong> Clinton, realizing that he has an opponent now, attacks Dole\u2019s war record, saying that Dole was wounded in World War II \u201cbecause he just wasn\u2019t trying hard enough.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

September 15:<\/strong> Dole is hurt when congressional Republicans announce that they are holding out on the \u201cContract With America\u201d until they receive a signing bonus and a 10% cut in healthcare for the elderly if they bat over .300.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

September 16:<\/strong> After Tony Danza, Colin Powell and \u201cHamburgler\u201d turn down the VP nomination, Republicans announce that they will give it to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who promises to \u201cattend state funerals and kick ass.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

September 19:<\/strong> Pat Buchanan announces that his running mate will be T-D editor Ross MacKenzie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

September 26:<\/strong> Clinton defends his own war record, saying that he \u201csaw more action at an Arkansas cheerleader convention than Dole did in all of World War II.\u201d Clinton adds that people have been shooting at him<\/em> a lot lately, but he<\/em> can still use both his arms, so what\u2019s the big deal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

September 28:<\/strong> A Gallup Poll finds that the biggest concern of voters is the Budget Deficit. However, due to a typo, it appears in reports as the \u201cBudgie<\/em> Deficit.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

September 29:<\/strong> Clinton calls Robert Gallup and asks, \u201cBudgie<\/em>?! You mean like a parakeet?!\u201d Gallup, in a further typo, says \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

September 30:<\/strong> Clinton announces that he will place three parakeets in his cabinet, and appoint a talking parrot as his press chief. However, its only answers to the press will be \u201cSquawk!\u201d and \u201cPolly loves a Sailor.\u201d Later, Dole counterattacks, mentioning that he lost a parakeet in World War II. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

October 3:<\/strong> Al Gore scores big points when he appears on \u201cSeinfeld\u201d as Kramer\u2019s long-lost, more normal twin, \u201cWarren.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

October 10:<\/strong> Reader\u2019s Digest<\/em> names Clinton advisor James Carville \u201cThe Scariest-Looking Sonovabitch in the World.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

October 11:<\/strong> Dole is haunted by his past when it is revealed that he played the evil white guy \u201cMr. Big\u201d in the movie Shaft<\/em>. When asked about it, he says \u201cHush yo\u2019 mouth! I\u2019m talkin\u2019 \u2018bout Shaft.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

October 15:<\/strong> Clinton\u2019s polls drop when, in an unguarded moment, he sucks an entire quart<\/em> of \u201cMiracle Whip\u201d through a straw on national TV.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

October 17:<\/strong> Dole is again hurt by his past when it is revealed that he, as a young Senator, played an improper role in the Louisiana Purchase of 1815.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

October 24:<\/strong> \u201cWhitewater\u201d comes back to haunt Clinton, as it is revealed that he owned stock in the White Water Company, the largest maker of racially-segregated drinking fountains in the South.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

October 28:<\/strong> Hoping that publicity lightning will strike twice, Clinton plays the saxophone on national TV. Unfortunately, it is on a particularly depressing episode of \u201cHomicide: Life on the Streets,\u201d and no one is amused.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

November 2:<\/strong> Ross Perot enters the race, saying \u201cHell, I\u2019m older, meaner and whiter than any<\/em> of these guys.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

November 3:<\/strong> Dole is hurt when reporters discover that Dole, just out of high school, was an intern for the Spanish Inquisition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

November 4:<\/strong> Clinton is hurt when reporters discover that he really is<\/em> basically just a big hillbilly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

November 5 (Election Day):<\/strong> In a surprise move, disgruntled voters elect as president the entire cast of \u201cFriends.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

November 9:<\/strong> Richard Lugar drops out of the race.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl Our predictions for the 1996 Presidential election, including Lamar Alexander’s blaming of unemployment on “Space Aliens.” While we weren’t technically correct in our prediction that the 1996 election would be won by the cast of “Friends,” we still think they would have won if Chandler hadn’t gone into rehab. … Continue reading Furthermore, Also!<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22],"class_list":["post-265","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/265","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=265"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/265\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":272,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/265\/revisions\/272"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=265"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=265"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=265"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}