{"id":291,"date":"1996-03-16T09:35:19","date_gmt":"1996-03-16T17:35:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=291"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:48","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:48","slug":"meet-the-elite-tles","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/03\/16\/meet-the-elite-tles\/","title":{"rendered":"Meet the \u00c9lite-tles"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, March 16 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hiya. We are Jeff and Paul. Don\u2019t say we didn\u2019t warn you.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever heard Pat Buchanan,  a member of the Christian Coalition, or any of the winos on 7th Street talk about their press coverage? They all say that they are portrayed inaccurately (respectively, as a jingoistic extremist, a society of pious bigots, and winos who talk to their bottles of \u201cRichard\u2019s Wild Irish Rose\u201d) in the press. And they all blame one villain: No, not \u201cThat sweet, sweet booze that done me wrong.\u201d We mean: \u201cTHE LIBERAL MEDIA \u00c9LITE.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Pat and other God-fearing, right-thinking Americans with no sense of humor, The Liberal Media \u00c9lite is a secret cabal of reporters who dress up in robes and conspire to defeat him, at wild nude-Twister parties in Georgetown hosted by Bob Woodward every Thursday night. Pat naturally assumes that if members of a profession are, \u2013with some notable exceptions, like USA<\/em> Today<\/em> (\u201cWe cost 50 cents just like a real newspaper!\u201d) \u2013 generally  well-educated, intelligent and well-informed and they SOMEHOW still don\u2019t all love him, there MUST be some kind of conspiracy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And he\u2019s exactly right.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here, for the first time, exclusive for readers of The Richmond State <\/em>\u2013 yes, both of you \u2013 is the truth about the Secret Brotherhood of the Richmond Liberal Media \u00c9lite. Do we have any questions from the audience?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Who is the leader of the Richmond Media \u00c9lite?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Archwarlock Jason Roop, our Exalted Master Reporter-Dude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Do you have a secret agenda?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Yes. We would all like to get paid more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: What is your secret password?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Our secret password, which has been used for hundreds of years, is \u201cNixon Sucks.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Who is in this so-called \u201cRichmond Media \u00c9lite?\u201d Can you describe them in roughly 900 words?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: We\u2019re glad you asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond Media \u00c9lite:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

DIVISION 1: TELEVISION<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

WTVR \u201cNewsChannel 6\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cCoverage You Can Dwell On\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: News at 6, 11, and \u201cThe Young and the Restless.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: Hard-working, God-fearing people like X.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: Watching Angie Miles fidget nervously because she\u2019s sitting so close to Charles \u201cBurning Fish\u201d Fishburne.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Vague hope that Angie Miles could, at any moment,  slap Charles Fishburne.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

WRIC Channel 8<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cRichmond\u2019s Last-in-the-Ratings People\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: News at 6and 11 p.m.; Morning show indistinguishable from a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: Numerous clever trained seals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: Knowledge that Lisa Schaffner would never, never<\/em> go out with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Richard Real\u2019s dance numbers during slow parts of the show.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

WWBT Channel 12<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cVirginia\u2019s Best News Organization, According to Some Wino We Found on 7th Street\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: News from 5 – 7 p.m., because you just couldn\u2019t fit all those stories about surfing kittens into one hour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: Several people plus Gene Lepley, who (True Fact!) looks just like \u201cJon\u201d from \u201cGarfield.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: Lingering doubts over whether Gene Cox is wearing pants at any given moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Campbell Brown \u2013 she puts the \u201cHot\u201d in \u201cRemote Live Shot.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

WRHL Fox-35<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cThe Nightly  Psychic Space Alien Report\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: 10 p.m., cleverly scheduled to be when nobody is watching, so nobody notices the screw-ups.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: Three people, if you count Curt Autry\u2019s forehead as a separate person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: The way they always try to make stories sound like a case from \u201cThe X-Files.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Curt Aurtry says \u201cBeam me up!\u201d and teleports out of seat at the end of each newscast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DIVISION 2: RADIO<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

WRVA 1140 AM<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cAll the News, Plus Static\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: Intermittent news radio between commercials on \u201cThe Rush Limbaugh Show.\u201d Bills itself as \u201cRichmond\u2019s 24-Hour News Service,\u201d as if all the other reporters go to bed at 4 p.m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: One guy who watches CNN<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: Static-y reception of station causes news bulletins like \u201cAuthorities say \u2018For God\u2019s sake, whatever you do, PLEASE DO NOT (bzzzzzzz) or your eyeballs will explode! … Let\u2019s take another caller.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Nobody there looks like Charles Fishburne, and even if they did you couldn\u2019t tell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Richmond Times-Dispatch<\/em> Broadcast News Service<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cUnfortunately, We Can\u2019t Jut Read You the \u2018Comics\u2019 Section\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: Morning news broadcasts between playing \u201cLove in an Elevator\u201d and \u201cWanted: Dead or Alive\u201d on XL102; complementing the soothing nasal tones of Bill Bevins on Lite 98; and other assorted radio stations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: One guy who comes in at 5 a.m., reads that morning\u2019s Times-Dispatch,<\/em> condenses it, laughs at it and then just makes up the news he thinks would be interesting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: One of the fill-in anchors sounds like Jeff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: The full one-minute  WLEE \u201cMorning NASCAR Report\u201d keeps you prepared for current events discussions all day<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Robin on \u201cThe Howard Stern Show\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cAll the News That\u2019s Fit to Make \u2018Penis\u2019 Jokes About\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: The last 15 minutes of the show, which could be anywhere from 9:45 to 4:00 in the afternoon. Not technically part of the Richmond media, but Pat Buchanan hates them, and they irritate Bob Ukrop, so we made them honorary members.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: Robin, who reads the news; and \u201cJackie the Joke Man,\u201d who laughs whenever a story involves a busload of crippled orphans plunging off a cliff or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: 15-minute commercials seldom feature the soothing voice of \u201cMad Dog.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Vital information about how the day\u2019s current events relate to Howard\u2019s penis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DIVISION 3: PRINT<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond Times-Dispatch<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: (tie) \u201cHousebreak Your Pets Economically\u201d or \u201cAll the News That\u2019s Fit to Print on Page B3\u201d or \u201cCopy Editing? Why?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: A daily newspaper, although you only need to actually read<\/em> it on Sunday, when Dave Barry is in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: One guy transcribing the AP wire, two blind copy editors and 400 people who write stories for the Henrico Plus<\/em> Section.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: Ross MacKenzie editorials where he keeps referring to his \u201cHard Time in the Big House\u201d after the infamous \u201cMotorized Squirrels\u201d incident.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Excellent for composting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Style <\/em>Weekly<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cLook … At Least It\u2019s Free\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: A weekly color ad supplement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: Two reporters and 600 people in the ad department.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: Reading Style<\/em> can cause herpes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Guilty pleasure of reading the 30 pages of gay and lesbian personal ads.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Richmond<\/em> Magazine<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cWe Promise<\/em> We\u2019re an Acutal News Organization\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: As far as we can tell, it\u2019s just one issue per year with the \u201cBest and Worst\u201d restaurants in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: One guy who spends the whole year eating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: Blatant disregard for Taco Bell in its ratings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Entire magazine is in \u201cScratch-and-Sniff\u201d format.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond State<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cYour #1 Source for Crap\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format<\/strong>: Weekly, except during Christmas, Halloween, snow breaks, Islamic holy days or whenever they feel like it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Staff<\/strong>: Six or seven killer androids, plus \u201cMad Dog.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature<\/strong>: (tie) 1. Jonathan Fox\u2019s weekly profiles of bands like \u201cButtsteak\u201d\/2. Your  keg parties never seem to show up in the \u201cSociety\u201d section.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature<\/strong>: Jeff and Paul might get fired at any moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If anyone is interested in Official Media \u00c9lite\u2122 T-Shirts or baseball caps, please write us in care of this newspaper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a91996 Puff Carpluto<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for … Continue reading Meet the \u00c9lite-tles<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22],"class_list":["post-291","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/291","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=291"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/291\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":293,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/291\/revisions\/293"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=291"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=291"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=291"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}