{"id":294,"date":"1996-03-26T09:40:26","date_gmt":"1996-03-26T17:40:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=294"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:48","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:48","slug":"they-arent-paying-us-enough-to-be-funny","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/03\/26\/they-arent-paying-us-enough-to-be-funny\/","title":{"rendered":"They Aren\u2019t Paying Us Enough to Be Funny"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, March 26 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yell-O. We are Jeff and Paul. Aren\u2019t you <\/strong>excited<\/em>? Well, you DAMN well should be.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once again, we, Jeff and Paul, investigative journalists, Defenders of Truth, Writers of Crap, Users of Many Commas, are dipping into our ever-brimming Loyal Reader Mail Sack\u2122, if you know what we mean. We sure as Hell don\u2019t. Furthermore, also.<\/em> Therefore, we are answering a letter from a lucky reader, who is almost certainly<\/em> not you<\/em>, because you<\/em> didn\u2019t write in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Messrs. Carl and Caputo,<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your payments on the Deluxe Model Foosball Table are now four months overdue. Please kindly pay immediately or a sales representative named \u201cTorg\u201d will visit you soon, and shove a lamp up your asses. Thank you for your prompt attention…<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whoops! Wrong mailbag! That seems to have been the Loyal Angry Creditor Mailbag\u00ae. We have found our Loyal Reader Mailbag or Whatever\u00a9, and will now answer a letter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear \u201cJeff\u201d and\/or \u201cPaul,\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember that column you wrote? The one about the thing? You know? Well, what\u2019s up with that? You know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Is there any over-the-counter medication I can take which will give me fresh, minty breath <\/strong>and<\/em> improve my gas mileage?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: That\u2019s a fine question. Here\u2019s what you do: You walk up to your boss and say, \u201cIt was me<\/em> who stocked the company water cooler with goldfish!\u201d Then stomp on his foot, kick him in the shins and staple his eyelids to his forehead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He won\u2019t be pinching your<\/em> ass again. And that\u2019s one to grow on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Is it true that research has been found, in clinical studies, to cause cancer in laboratory animals?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Let\u2019s face it. Even to suggest that Denny\u2019s \u201cMoons Over My Hammy\u201d breakfast meal is even a little bit offensive is just a bit over the top. Even if you are<\/em> a Ukrop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Is there any reason that the people responsible for \u2018Mentos: the Freshmaker!\u2019 commercials should be allowed to live?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Hmm… We\u2019re not sure. Try Pongo Twistleton\u2019s column. By the way, there were no contest winners from last week<\/em>, so please be sure to mail your entries with the postage stamp on the outside<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Which is worse: Hitler, or people who say \u2018nucular\u2019 instead of \u2018nuclear?\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Our<\/em> favorite country is Norway. The people there are so short, and yet somehow so large. It might have something to do with all those pastries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Does S\u00f8ren Kierkegaard\u2019s existentialist dogma (positing, for the \u00e6sthete, that ennui is the demonic pantheism) properly encapsulate man\u2019s will to exist? Or is it all just a bunch of crapola?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: A little warm milk and a lot<\/em> of penicillin, and everything will be just fine<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Would you agree that advancements in computer technology have gone straight downhill ever since \u201cSuper Challenge Baseball\u201d for Atari 2600?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: The worst thing is wrong numbers. For example, Jeff\u2019s phone number is very similar to that of the Poison Control Center, so he always gets calls from people whining about \u201cOhhh, I just drank a quart of Dra\u00f1o!\u201d or whatever. He tells them to: 1. \u201cHave some \u2018Wheaties\u2019 and you\u2019ll be all right,\u201d or 2. \u201cWatch \u2018Ace Ventura: Pet Detective\u2019 to induce vomiting,\u201d then hangs up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Oh my God! What is that <\/strong>thing<\/em> on your <\/strong>face<\/em>?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: The trick is to hold the ferret firmly<\/em> in the palm of your hand before<\/em> jamming into slot 4, as shown in the diagram.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: If you had a million dollars to give to any charity organization in the world, would you?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Well, it\u2019s your fault for not having a Macintosh in the first place. That\u2019s what we<\/em> say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Doesn\u2019t \u2018Newt Gingrich\u2019 sound like a name for a Klingon or something?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: If we\u2019ve said it once, we\u2019ve said it a bajillion times: Swallowing tiny bits of Nerf will not<\/em> cure scurvy or the Clap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Is there a restroom here I can use?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: The mighty sequoia, which grows to over three hundred feet in height.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Did you know that if you held your breath for a long time, then someone unexpectedly punched you in the gut, you would either black out or start thinking just like Rush Limbaugh?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: In 1995 alone, more than 400 cats died in accidents directly related to Dust Busters.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for … Continue reading They Aren\u2019t Paying Us Enough to Be Funny<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22],"class_list":["post-294","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/294","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=294"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/294\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":295,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/294\/revisions\/295"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=294"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=294"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=294"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}