{"id":299,"date":"1996-04-04T09:51:18","date_gmt":"1996-04-04T17:51:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=299"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:48","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:48","slug":"sports-preview-ish-thingy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/04\/04\/sports-preview-ish-thingy\/","title":{"rendered":"Sports Preview-ish \u201cThingy\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, April 4 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi. We are Jeff and Paul. We\u2019re throwing out our balls on opening day! Umm … that didn\u2019t sound too good.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If someone asked you about the biggest problems facing the City of Richmond (motto: \u201cNo Parking!\u201d<\/em>), you, being sensible, would say \u201cMen who drink Zima\u201d (motto: \u201cIt Zucks!\u201d<\/em>). But that\u2019s not what we are here to talk about; indeed, you psychos, we\u2019re not \u201cthere,\u201d and neither<\/em> of us is talking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What we are writing<\/em> about is the lack of quality sports in this Godforsaken town. The Richmond sports situation is worse than radio station 104.7 \u201cThe BUZZ\u201d (motto: \u201cLike Chewing Razors, But You Listen to It\u201d<\/em>). Why are there no die-hard legions of courageous, yet somehow mentally deficient Richmond fans lining up for tickets in the snow? Most other cities have them. Why aren\u2019t the names of Richmond\u2019s sports teams, whatever they are, a topic of regular discussion among the local hoi-polloi (that\u2019s you)? Sports teams are worshipped in other cities (\u201cVisit the Temple of the Toronto Raptors!\u201d). And it\u2019s no use blaming it all on the fact that recent statistics show that everyone in Richmond has been murdered three times. There\u2019s something wrong here. And it\u2019s all for one<\/em> simple reason.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What is that reason?<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We have NO damn idea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We decided to investigate or something. The result: more than 75% of Richmond professional players, coaches and managers we interviewed believed that The<\/em> Richmond State<\/em> was either \u201cjust west of North Carolina\u201d or \u201ca kind of fish.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For those of you who are exceptionally stupid or work for TV news or both, Richmond has no major-league professional sports team. What we do<\/em> have, idiots<\/em>, are minor-league teams, which, if you have been to an actual city, you know is like being 39 cents shy of the proverbial Value Meal, if you know what we mean. If you do<\/em> know what we mean, please write to us and explain it, c\/o this newspaper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To this end, we, Jeff and Paul (motto: \u201cNot Funny!<\/em>\u201d), recently attended the Richmond Braves\u2019 \u201cMedia\u201d Day. (They make us put \u201cmedia\u201d in quotes because Channel 8 has passes, too.) We then left after we realized that there was no free food.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, while baseball is<\/em> the greatest facet of American culture this side of \u201cV: The Final Battle\u201d or reruns of \u201cSchoolhouse Rock\u201d and, in Richmond, it is the closest thing we have to major league sports (The Renegades don\u2019t count because they play hockey.) (C\u2019mon. Hockey<\/em>?), our first real exposure to the world of sports in Richmond revealed a disturbing fact: That \u201cUkrops\u201d spelled backwards is the satanic riddle \u201cSpork! U?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

No! That\u2019s not it. What we discovered was this: We still haven\u2019t seen those free baseball caps NewsChannel 6 said they were mailing us. No! Dammit<\/em>! That\u2019s not it either. What we actually<\/em> discovered was this: that all our minor-league teams are actually kinda pretty good<\/em>. To wit:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond Braves:<\/strong> Go R-Braves! Woooo Hoo! The \u201cR-Braves,\u201d as they are called,(to distinguish them from the \u201cTheir-Braves,\u201d) are Richmond\u2019s number one sports team, since they are first alphabetically. The Braves are also our<\/em> favorite Richmond sports team and not<\/em> just because we have season press passes. No way. It\u2019s because we have season press passes and<\/em> free parking passes. This, in our opinions, makes the R-Braves the GREATEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Braves have won every single game they have ever played over the course of their 30-year history, with the unfortunate exception of several hundred games that they lost because the umpires were Nun-abusing Homosexual Communists and almost certainly had serious personal hygiene problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While we were at the Braves\u2019 media day last week, we interviewed cumulatively almost one person each, who filled us in on some important information we will need to cover the Braves this year:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PAUL<\/strong>: So, um, do you guys like baseball? You know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TALL GUY WITH A NUMBER ON HIS SHIRT<\/strong>: Hey! You write for The<\/em> Richmond State<\/em>? Is Pongo Twistleton here?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

JEFF<\/strong>: I thought there was going to be free food here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

BIG GUY WITH \u201cSECURITY\u201d ON HIS SHIRT<\/strong>: Get out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coincidentally, you can find weekly coverage of the Braves (True Fact!) every Thursday this summer right here in the State<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Richmond Kickers:<\/strong> Okay. These are grown men<\/em> playing soccer<\/em>. Frankly, it looks ridiculous. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Kickers, whose name derives from the latin, kickvs<\/em>, meaning \u201cguys who can run a lot\u201d and er<\/em>, meaning \u201cbut can\u2019t catch worth a dead rat\u2019s ass,\u201d are one of Richmond\u2019s most successful teams, in that they have won a lot of championships. Of course, in whatever the Hell league it is they play in, every time you win a game, you apparently win a championship. Last year the Kickers won their league championship, the Professional League Championship, the Tournament of Champions Championship and \u201cFinal Jeopardy,\u201d all in one game. By the end of the season, they had won the Virginia Cup, the Newberry and Caldecott Awards, the Nobel Prize, and two of them were named \u201cMiss America.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We look forward this season to the Kickers to win six Pulitzers, an Academy Award for \u201cBest Foreign Documentary,\u201d and the Publisher\u2019s Clearing House Sweepstakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Richmond Renegades:<\/strong> Those of you who follow our column on a regular basis should remember this number: 1-900-GET-HELP. Also, you should remember the column we wrote about our visit to \u201cThe Freezer\u201d several weeks ago for a Renegades game. Incidentally, we take this opportunity to point out that the wounds are healing nicely, and <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul is getting used to not having a nose anymore. We would like to ask that whichever exuberant fan ate Jeff\u2019s car\u2019s bumper to please return it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you missed our Renegades column, you can find back issues of the State<\/em> in your local Christian Science Reading Room, or gutter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Virginia Commonwealth University:<\/strong> The VCU \u201cRams\u201d (motto: \u201cOur athletes aren\u2019t nearly as freakish as the rest of our students!\u201d<\/em>) fielded an excellent basketball team this year. Which was a shame because you don\u2019t play basketball on a field.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VUU\/VSU:<\/strong> Both of these schools actually exist, we\u2019re told. At any rate, their sports teams can\u2019t be nearly as bad as the University of Richmond\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

University of Richmond:<\/strong> U of R\u2019s big sports teams, contrary to popular belief, aren\u2019t half bad this year. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\u2019re ALL bad. The UR basketball team (motto: \u201cWe may lose badly, but we have a beautiful 300-acre wooded campus with a scenic lake and tranquil atmosphere!\u201d)<\/em> finished its 1995-96 season with a record of 3-271, placing it last in the CAA, and two rankings below the Goochland Girls Scouts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

U of R proudly boasts several talented athletes, all of whom transferred just last week, leaving the school with only (True Fact!) a nationally ranked Synchronized Swimming Team, a gaggle of male cheerleaders (\u201cThe Spiderettes\u201d) and a very<\/em> masculine campus newspaper intramural \u201cHardyball\u201d team.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The U of R football team has a long, fine tradition of running up the middle and getting sacked for six-yard losses. That\u2019s it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

U of R, it turns out, is actually the only purveyor of sports in the city that does<\/em> suck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps that\u2019s what is missing. Part of the reason, say, Chicago\u2019s sports fans are so dedicated is the knowledge that they can share the Cubs getting pummeled by visiting Jehovah\u2019s Witnesses softball teams with their children, and their grandchildren. So we need teams that suck …. etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond Valued Customers (NFL):<\/strong> Owned by Ukrop\u2019s, (motto: \u201cJesus Wants You to Buy This Cole Slaw<\/em>\u201d) the RVCs would have attractive green uniforms, refuse to play games on Sunday afternoons because they should all be at their \u201chouse of worship,\u201d and try to get other teams to move out of cities where Howard Stern is broadcast. Their secret weapon would be to scatter delicious Ukrop\u2019s Potato Wedges\u2122 all over the field as decoys.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for … Continue reading Sports Preview-ish \u201cThingy\u201d<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22,39,40],"class_list":["post-299","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo","tag-richmond","tag-sports"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/299","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=299"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/299\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":300,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/299\/revisions\/300"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=299"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=299"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=299"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}