{"id":301,"date":"1996-04-12T09:55:03","date_gmt":"1996-04-12T16:55:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=301"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:48","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:48","slug":"tune-in-turn-on-watch-baywatch","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1996\/04\/12\/tune-in-turn-on-watch-baywatch\/","title":{"rendered":"Tune In, Turn On, Watch \u201cBaywatch\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
The Richmond State, April 12 1996<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hi. We are Jeff and Paul. At least <\/strong>our<\/em> parents didn\u2019t name us \u201cPongo\u201d or \u201cMad.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not long ago, in this very \u201cnewspaper,\u201d we published a column about the Richmond news media (which, due to typographical errors, included  Channel 8). Like all of our best work, it contained biting political and social commentary, and repeated references to the word \u201cass.\u201d  The column earned these wacky comments from cheerful WRVA morning personality Tim \u201cTim\u201d Timberlake:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt seems we\u2019ve been mentioned here in the … is this a newspaper<\/em>? Oh, ha ha, how funny. Incidentally, you\u2019ve blown it now, haven\u2019t you, you filth-ridden vermin? Are you listening Jeff and Paul<\/em>?! WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, YOU WILL NEVER BE ON THE RADIO IN THIS TOWN FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE! Let\u2019s take a caller.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, this controversial column provoked a flood of similar responses from \u201cmany\u201d of our \u201creaders.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey,\u201d NewsChannel 6 Anchor Charles Fishburne did not say, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you punks write something about cable television and leave us the Hell alone?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That gave us an idea: \u201cLet\u2019s have PIZZA for dinner again<\/em>!\u201d But it also gave us another<\/em> idea:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jeff and Paul\u2019s Guide to Cable TV<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

DIVISION I: The Basics<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

USA Network<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto:<\/strong> \u201cWhere Old Canceled Sitcoms Go to Die<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> Every bad TV show you can think of, plus excellent live theater (\u201cWWF Monday Nite RAW!\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> (tie) 18-hour \u201cKnight Rider\u201d marathons keep derelicts (Paul) off the street.\/When Judge Wapner bit the head off a live plaintiff on camera.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> When Judge Wapner\u2019s bowels are acting up and he gives people the death sentence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact:<\/strong> It not only insults your intelligence, but slaps it upside the head, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Weather Channel<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto: <\/strong>\u201cOne Step Up From Static!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> A wide variety of topical programs concerning important political and social issues, ranging from rainy weather to sunny weather<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> Vital up-to-the-minute barometric pressure readings from Boise, Idaho.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> Hey! It\u2019s weather<\/em>! Just look out the window, for God\u2019s sake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact: <\/strong>Temperatures in the 70s do not actually<\/em> turn an entire state orange.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

BET (Black Entertainment Television)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto:<\/strong> \u201cWhen You Just Can\u2019t Get Enough Rap Videos<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> Surprisingly, rap videos<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature: <\/strong>No danger of seeing \u201cMama\u2019s Family\u201d at any time<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> You won\u2019t believe this, but it gets kinda old after a while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact:<\/strong> Counterpart channel \u201cNET<\/em>\u201d (Norwegian Entertainment Television) failed due to lack of rap videos about fjords or people named \u201cIngemar.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VH-1 (Video Hits One)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto:<\/strong> \u201cWhite Entertainment Television<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> Imagine Lite 98 with pictures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> (tie) Cool Cheesy \u201880s videos they got out of the attic at MTV\/Keeps Mariah Carey off welfare<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> Has been known to cause dizziness, stomach cramps and mild comas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact:<\/strong> Originally intended as a \u201cBaby Boomer\u201d counterpart to the \u201cyounger, hipper\u201d MTV, it is now used as an industrial-strength sedative, while MTV is used to entertain mutants and rabid farm animals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MTV (Music Television)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto:<\/strong> \u201cCretin Central<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> Irritating game shows, cheese-ridden pseudo-dramas, \u201cBeavis and Butthead,\u201d and info-mercials, plus up to three bad music videos per day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> \u201cThe Great Cornholio\u201d episode of \u201cBeavis and Butthead\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> Is basically just total crap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact:<\/strong> If someone identifies himself as an avid MTV watcher, it is socially acceptable to punch him in the face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Discovery Channel<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto:<\/strong> \u201cMust-Ignore TV<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> Alternating footage of sharks eating divers and World War II planes dropping bombs on buildings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> When they drop bombs on sharks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> Jacques Cousteau thinks he\u2019s so much cooler<\/em> than everyone else.
Trivia Fact:<\/strong> Come see Jeff in \u201cA Midsummer Night\u2019s Dream\u201d this weekend at the University of Richmond theater! Mention at the box office that you saw this notice in The Richmond State<\/em>, and they will punch you in the face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact II:<\/strong> Sometimes you can see Paul walking around in the background of Channel 12 newsroom live shots.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact III:<\/strong> The fastest land mammal is the cheetah.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact IV:<\/strong> The fattest<\/em> land mammal is Rush Limbaugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

C-SPAN<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto:<\/strong> \u201cWe DARE You to Watch<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> Pulse-pounding, rivetingly incomprehensible legislative session coverage<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> Wacky skits all the congressmen perform in drag between bills<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> They only rarely air old episodes of \u201cWhat\u2019s Happening.\u201d
Trivia Fact:<\/strong> Dwayne from \u201cWhat\u2019s Happening\u201d was really kind of a dork.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

E! (Entertainment Television)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto:<\/strong> (tie) \u201cE!-rritating<\/em>!\u201d or \u201dAIIIEEEEE<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format: <\/strong>No one really cares.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> \u201cTalk Soup\u201d is used as a nationwide indicator of stupidity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> Howard Stern is just really ugly.
Trivia Fact:<\/strong> The exclamation point in \u201cE!\u201d is pronounced \u201cPrince.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ESPN (Entertainment Sports Programming Network)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto<\/strong>: \u201cCNN With Excess Testosterone<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format: <\/strong>All sports, all the time, except when they show golf<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> The SportsCenter anchors make having a rotten attitude seem cool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature: <\/strong>Occasionally shows New York Mets games, under the title \u201cThe Parade of Shame and Wasted Lives.\u201d
Trivia Fact:<\/strong> In September of 1983, a woman watched ESPN.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ESPN2 \u201cThe Deuce\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto: <\/strong>\u201cIf You\u2019re Watching This, You\u2019re <\/em>Pathetic\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format: <\/strong>24-hour coverage of second-rate sports, like \u201cunderwater skateboarding,\u201d \u201cbeach bowling,\u201d \u201cwheelchair rugby\u201d and \u201cprofessional ice hockey.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Featur<\/strong>e: They\u2019ve got<\/em> to be hiring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature: <\/strong>Try as we might, we can\u2019t get them to cover our annual Richmond State <\/em>Whiffle Ball Tournament.
Trivia Fac<\/strong>t:<\/strong> No one has ever actually seen<\/em> ESPN2.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CNN Headline News<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto: <\/strong>\u201cEnough News to Choke a Horse<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format: <\/strong>24 hours a day \u2013 news from Really Ugly People<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature: <\/strong>If you close your eyes and crumple newspapers, you can pretend you\u2019re listening to WRVA.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> Not enough skin.
Trivia Fact: <\/strong>It\u2019s the only news service to run syndicated repeats of old broadcasts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

QVC (Quality Value Convenience) Shopping Network<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto:<\/strong> \u201cLike Shopping, but More Irritating<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> Kind of a cross between the Wheel of Fortune and BLAB TV<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> It makes you realize there are many worthwhile, valuable things you could do instead of watching TV.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature: <\/strong>You\u2019ll watch it anyway.
<\/em>Trivia Fact:<\/strong> The modern consumer could do 100 percent of his daily shopping from home, provided all he ever needed were Diamanoid rings the size of golf balls and Cubic Zirconia coat hangers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TBS (Turner Broadcasting System)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto: <\/strong>\u201cLook, Jane, I own a TV station<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format: <\/strong>The Atlanta Braves and other minions of Satan, like \u201cMatlock.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature: <\/strong>Jane Fonda used to wear just a leotard to Atlanta Braves games.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature: <\/strong>Jane Fonda still<\/em> wears just a leotard to Atlanta Braves games
Trivia Fact: <\/strong>Paul hates the Braves more than he does any other group of human beings this side of the KKK and the phone company.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DIVISION II: Pay Stations<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cinemax<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto:<\/strong> \u201cBreasts Ahoy!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> Breasts<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> Large breasts<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> Small breasts<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact:<\/strong> May not be suitable for children under 17 who don\u2019t like breasts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact II:<\/strong> We\u2019ll be back watching this channel, once our girflfriends refuse to talk to us for a week after reading all these \u201cbreast\u201d gags.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HBO (Home Box Office)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto: <\/strong>\u201cYou Were Just Too Lazy to Go to the Video Store, Weren\u2019t You?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format: <\/strong>Good movies twice a month; \u201cErnest Goes to Hell\u201d six times a day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature: <\/strong>Thank GOD you didn\u2019t pay to see these movies in a theater.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> You\u2019re still paying an extra $5 a month to see these movies on cable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact: <\/strong>Nobody has understood a single word said on \u201cRussell Simmons\u2019 Def Comedy Jam\u201d in over three years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pay-Per-View<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motto: <\/strong>\u201cCalling All Idiots!<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Format:<\/strong> Movies two months before they show up on HBO, plus specials like (True Fact!) \u201cDavid Hasselhoff and Friends,\u201d featuring Marla Maples and David singing<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Best Feature:<\/strong> Provides the pleasant illusion of being in a cheap hotel somewhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Worst Feature:<\/strong> You may miss that Mike Tyson fight you paid $40 for if you sneeze.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trivia Fact:<\/strong> \u201cRosebud\u201d was Citizen Kane\u2019s sled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a9 1996 Puff Carpluto<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for … Continue reading Tune In, Turn On, Watch \u201cBaywatch\u201d<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":457,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,18],"tags":[22,39],"class_list":["post-301","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-the-richmond-state","tag-paul-caputo","tag-richmond"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/RichmondStateLogo.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/301","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=301"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/301\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":302,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/301\/revisions\/302"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/457"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=301"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=301"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=301"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}