{"id":325,"date":"1995-03-09T11:40:43","date_gmt":"1995-03-09T19:40:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=325"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:01:02","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:01:02","slug":"cooking-with-fire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1995\/03\/09\/cooking-with-fire\/","title":{"rendered":"Cooking with Fire"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl and Paul Caputo<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
University of Richmond Collegian,
March 9 1995<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Paul Caputo and I began writing humor columns together for the University of Richmond Collegian at the beginning of my Junior year. Paul had started his term as The Collegian’s opinion section editor that year, or maybe he hadn’t. I don’t really remember. Maybe it was me, or possibly Scott Shepard. I know it happened sometime during college. At any rate, Paul and I started writing together and later with Shepard as well. It was the start of a writing partnership that would last years and ultimately result in no tangible lasting value except for some free baseball tickets. I originally had something much more positive in mind when I started writing this introduction.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

with your hosts: Paul “Chef” Prudhomme <\/strong>and<\/em> Julia Child<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

All right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve had it up to here with all these whiny Collegian “The Greek system sucks\/the Jepson School sucks\/Libertarians rule the universe\/ and there aren\u2019t enough sidewalks here” columns. We\u2019ve decided that we\u2019re going to just hand the whole Opinion section over to public access. We figure, being seniors about to be thrust out into the real world where food is not just made for us and slapped onto trays like in elementary school apple-sauce-and-salisbury-steak-with-ketchup-leftover-surprise, the first order of business is food, and how to make it. Damned if we know, but we\u2019ll try to squeeze some cheap jokes out of it. For you\u2019re reading pleasure, here are Julia Child and Paul Prudhomme, with “Cooking With Fire.”Editor\u2019s Note: The persons herein identified have nothing to do with theoretically actual persons who might exist named something crazy like “Julia Child” or “Paul Prudhomme” and so we really hope they don\u2019t sue us. This is called a disclaimer, common to nervous newspapers everywhere.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Julia<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Julia Child:<\/strong>\u00a0Welcome to “Cooking with Fire.” Tonight we\u2019ll be showing you how to prepare several fine dishes, most of which are non-carcinogenic. First is\u00a0souffl\u00e9 du jambon vert<\/em>. First we will need three liters of wine…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul “Chef” Prudhomme:<\/strong> You need three liters?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> The souffl\u00e9 gets four ounces. I get the rest. [begins drinking]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> I see. Did you drive here?Editor\u2019s Note: This attempt at a humorous look at alcoholism is obviously in bad taste and frankly not the sort of thing condoned by this newspaper ever at all even once even the slightest tiny bit, except during Christmas parties and weeknights. Kids, don\u2019t try this at home. Please continue.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> As I was saying, we marinate the jambon vert<\/em> and add just a dash of thyme … a squirt of vanilla … and a sprinkle of fairy dust. [drinks]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Fairy dust? What the Hell is fairy dust?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Never you mind. I stole it from those damn Keebler Elves. I won\u2019t even tell you what I had to do to get it. But they won\u2019t be bothering us<\/em> anymore.  Ha ha ha ha.<\/em> Anyway… [drinks]<\/em> Then I heat the skillet to 450 degrees and leave some old, oily rags sitting on top of it. While that is cooking, Paul, why don\u2019t you show us something else that you\u2019ve whipped up?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Well, this in this pot here is called Chicken Pot Pie…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Ooh. Exotic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> And this is … this can\u2019t be right. The teleprompter here says this is called “Baked Tauntaun.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong>What the Hell is a tauntaun?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teleprompter Guy:<\/strong> [runs, crazed onto the stage and exits]<\/em> You\u2019ll freeze before you reach the first marker, Captain Solo!  I welcome our new ant masters!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC and PCP:<\/strong> Yeah. Whatever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Anyhoo, I have a great little bundle of taste explosion here called Corned Beef Hash O\u2019Brien-style.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> And how much sherry do you need for that dish?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Umm, well, you really don\u2019t need any<\/em>, I suppose…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> In that case I\u2019ll just drink the rest myself. [oily rags begin to smolder]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Whatever floats your boat … Well, the first step in making an absolutely smashing Chicken Pot Pie is to remove it from the little tinfoil thingy it is encased in …<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Ooh. Space-age technology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> And then you put it into the microwave here<\/em>, like so…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Really? [chug-a-lugs gin]<\/em> Never would have occurred to me…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> And then comes the especially tricky part: You\u2019ve got these two settings on the microwave here. It is absolutely imperative that you use “defrost.” If you put it on “cook,” your brain will explode into thousands of tiny, smoking little bits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Hmm. And that\u2019s an important safety tip for our viewers at home, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Right-O. So while that\u2019s cooking, let\u2019s turn to the Corned Beef Hash. You take it out of the can like this … and then you just gulp it down right out of the can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC<\/strong>: I see. What is the “O\u2019 Brien” part for?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Not sure. Never got that far. Anyway, this stuff gives me gas like an Exxon station.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Which is a great time for us to turn here to this neat little treat I\u2019m preparing here. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> What\u2019s it called?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong>“Harvey Wallbanger \u00e0 la carte.”Editor\u2019s Note: Did you see that one coming? This is what is known in cheap joke terms as a “running gag.” This not only follows federal guidelines for recycling, but also creates humor through repetition as well as freeing the writers from having to make up any new jokes. Please do go on.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> And after you add the Sloe Gin you stir, and gulp it all down in one shot. Ignore occasional vomiting afterwards.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> This little tangy taste treat I\u2019ve got here is perfect for accompanying a nice dry white wine or…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Sounds great.  [drinks]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Whatever … Well, it\u2019s called Cream of Wheat. What do you think?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> It\u2019s as good as I remember.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Yes, but wait until I add my secret ingredient.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Vodka? [drinks]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> No, it\u2019s our friend the mongoose! Mongoose, “the other red meat,” is available at your friendly neighborhood grocery outlet, I\u2019m sure, and adds a tangy spice of exotic flavor-splosion-liciousness to the most mundane of dishes! Mongoose pat\u00e9, anyone? Mongoose and truffles? Treat the kids when they come home from school to a zesty surprise of Mongoose and jelly sandwiches. Plus they make great pets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Those bastards at the National Mongoose Council got to you, didn\u2019t they?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong>You can\u2019t prove that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> OK, look. You<\/em> know you can\u2019t cook, and I<\/em> know you can\u2019t cook. So why don\u2019t we just forget about all this “You take the stuff and you throw it in the bowl and put it on the stove” stuff and get down to business?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong>What are you saying, Julia?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong>Ithink that you\u2019re a beautiful, beautiful man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong>Thank you. Stop touching me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> <\/em>[whispering, with her hand on Paul’s leg]<\/em>\u00a0I think Ilove you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP: <\/strong>Thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Are you in a fraternity?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> No.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong>Oh, forget it then. Let\u2019s get back to cooking. Do we have any Ramen Noodles?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019ve got a little surprise I call “Boar for One.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> One?[now searching the cabinets for Ny-Quil to drink]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Well, the full name is “Boar for one Really Fat Guy.” But I digress. Anyhoo, we need a boar. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> In the newspaper? We\u2019ve got several. But I digress. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Nobody noticed. Anyway, I happen to have a boar here … what\u2019s that smell?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Is it the boar? It\u2019s a wee bit musky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> No … never mind. [oily rags burst into flame, killing three and wounding six]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> So what do we do with the boar?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> We kill it first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> That\u2019s disgusting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> No, what\u2019s disgusting is when I get really<\/em> hungry and don\u2019t<\/em> kill it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC<\/strong>: Okay, let me do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong>Iwas just kidding, we\u2019re not going to … Oh my God … What are you doing?! No!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Ooh! Is that part supposed to be squishy?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong>Oh, dear God. Well, we gotta a dead boar here, so we might as well cook it. But just for the record, I was <\/em>kidding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong>I\u2019ll go collect all of its bits. [starts drinking again]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong>OK, so you take its … umm … Well, you take all the bits that don\u2019t have hair on them and throw them into a big ol\u2019 pot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong>I\u2019ll do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong>Ifigured. Now, umm … Iguess you should go ahead and boil them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Whoo-hoo! [passes out]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> We turn now to the Chicken and Bacon \u00e0 la D-Hall<\/em> \u2014 incidentally this is French for “fiery kiln explosion” \u2014 which are being cooked in these two pans. Please note that they are separate entr\u00e9es. Julia, will you…? Well, Julia is vomiting right now, so I will add the dash of…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> [revived]<\/em> Booooot and raaaaaally!  [begins drinking leftover vinegar]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Gotcha. Anyway, I\u2019m going to sample the chicken, which has been marinated in pepper and acetone, to give it that proper “breaded masking tape” taste. I\u2019ll just take a bit here … and a bit here … Hell, I\u2019ll eat the whole damned thing. Julia won\u2019t notice, she\u2019s funneling spare cooking grease for the alcohol content, and we won\u2019t tell her, will we?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Missss Tessmacherrrrr! Bring me the head of Steve Gutenberg on a silver platter! Marinate it lightly! Damn the torpedoes! [vomits repeatedly]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Oh, dear. I knew Ishould have thrown away that old Turkey Tetrazzini weeks ago. Let\u2019s move on to another dish. And I mean that in a strictly professional way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Well, it looks like all we have time for is boxed mac and cheese.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Takes me back…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> The first step in cooking gourmet mac and cheese is to remove all of the boars\u2019 hair from the boiling water.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> I\u2019ll do that. Owwwwwwwwww!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> But not with your hand. Once you\u2019ve done that, you dump the mac and cheese into the water and pray that this segment will end soon. While it boils, you want to stir the mac and cheese noodles with a blunt object, preferrably an old copy of the Web.Editor\u2019s Note: This fictitious journal theoretically called “The Web” has nothing to do with any possible actual publications which might, under certain circumstances, be called “The Web” or something. Please don\u2019t sue us. Now back to the column.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> I knew they were good for something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP: <\/strong>Now you want to wait for seven minutes. After you mix the milk, butter and cheese powder in a bowl \u2014 if you run out of cheese powder, sawdust makes a fine replacement\u2014 you can pass the time watching Knight Rider on USA because, chances are, they\u2019re running that episode with the evil KITT named KARR, and Michael Knight\u2019s twin tries to kidnap…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Shut up, pretzel boy, and get back to cooking!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> OK, it should be ready by now. Taste these noodles Julia…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> [Crunching down] <\/em>Oh, my God, I lost a tooth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> OK, they\u2019re not quite ready yet. Let\u2019s move on to something else before it\u2019s too late.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> We got carrot sticks!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> You can\u2019t cook carrot sticks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Loooooove<\/em> me some carrot sticks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP: <\/strong>You\u2019re drunk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> <\/em>[shouting]<\/em>\u00a0Show \u2019em how to make puddin\u2019! People\u00a0loooooove<\/em>\u00a0puddin\u2019!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Our next dish is…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Brad Pitt!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong>Shut up!<\/em> OK, we\u2019re going to make a big heap of mushroom-sauerkraut casserole. First you take a handful of mushrooms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC: I\u2019ll show you a handful of mushroomsh. Shay … you, the fat guy … you review moviesh or shomethin\u2019, dontcha?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> [swallowing handfuls of souffl\u00e9]<\/em> I think you\u2019ve got me confused with…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> Waita shecond. Paul Prudhomme my assh. You\u2019re Dom Deluise! You shon of a bitschhh…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Oh, dear … looks like we gotta go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JC:<\/strong> <\/em>[singing, in her best John Denver voice]<\/em>\u00a0Rocky Mountain Hiiiigh … youuu gotta know when to hoooold \u2019em…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PCP:<\/strong> Seeya next week everybody!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl and Paul Caputo Paul Caputo and I began writing humor columns together for the University of Richmond Collegian at the beginning of my Junior year. Paul had started his term as The Collegian’s opinion section editor that year, or maybe he hadn’t. I don’t really remember. Maybe it was me, or possibly … Continue reading Cooking with Fire<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,7],"tags":[22],"class_list":["post-325","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-ur-collegian","tag-paul-caputo"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=325"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":326,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325\/revisions\/326"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=325"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=325"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=325"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}