{"id":327,"date":"1995-04-13T11:49:06","date_gmt":"1995-04-13T18:49:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=327"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:05","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:05","slug":"a-day-in-the-life-puff-carplutos-things-to-do-list","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1995\/04\/13\/a-day-in-the-life-puff-carplutos-things-to-do-list\/","title":{"rendered":"A Day in the Life: Puff Carpluto\u2019s \u2018Things to Do\u2019 List"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl and Paul Caputo<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
University of Richmond Collegian,
April 13 1995<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

More hyper-topical college humor! We combined our personalities into one to save time. You probably won’t get the “haircuts” joke unless you know that we had just finished the UR production of Tom Stoppard’s brilliant play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead<\/a> which requires the whole cast to grow out their hair. Either way, I think it’s the best column we wrote at the University of Richmond. That’s probably not saying much, though. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We, Jeff and Paul, are busy people. Busy enough, in fact, that we recently considered merging into one person named “Puff Carpluto,” who would have more than $600 in parking tickets, to save time in our daily chores. We figured that no one would notice, since for the last three weeks we have exchanged identities anyway and each of us pretended to be the other person. Jeff\u2019s girlfriend was reportedly unhappy, although Paul\u2019s girlfriend was elated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The point is that busy people like ourselves \u2014 constantly running about from class to meeting, appointment to interview, accident scene to cheap brothel, etc. \u2014 are desperate people. To prove our point, we obtained the “things to do” list for Monday of two local busy people who may sound very much like Paul and Jeff but who in fact are not Paul and Jeff, and so you should sue them and not us if you are offended.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul and Jeff [not their real names]<\/em> are busy people. Busy enough, in fact, that they have an enormous number of things to do on their list of things to be done, which is called their “things to do” list. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul and Jeff\u2019s Things to Do:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Get haircut: <\/strong>This has been six months in the making. We are never acting again. All of our hats fit funny now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Find people with long hair, call them freaks: <\/strong>Hey, at UR, that\u2019s a sport. And we can afford to make fun of people with long hair because we\u2019re clean-cut and pleasant-looking. Plus they are, by nature, freaks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Kill that screaming kid on the “Sheik” Condoms commercial:<\/strong> This kid needs to die. That kid from the old “Encyclopedia Brittanica” commercials is next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Knock down Jepson school to increase parking space:<\/strong> We need parking. Nobody needs a leadership school. It makes sense. If we could knock down cheerleaders to make even more space, we would do that, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Irritate administrators<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Return messages from irritated administrators: <\/strong>We\u2019re columnists. That\u2019s our job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sign up as “Mark Ramos” for credit card offers in Commons, get free gifts: <\/strong>Is it possible to have too many slinkys or water bottles?  We<\/em> don\u2019t think so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Offend last three people in school:<\/strong> We noticed that there were three people left at the school whom we have not offended. Those three, chosen at random, are Richard A. Munneke<\/strong>, J.<\/strong> Anderson Screws<\/strong> and John E. Reigle<\/strong>. These people are all lame.  Nyah-nyah<\/em>. Plus “Anderson Screws” is a funny name.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Hoard thousands of “sporks:”<\/strong> This should be self-explanatory.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Steal toilet paper from science center bathrooms: <\/strong>Just our way of sticking it to the man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Thank Pope for the brownies<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sell Collegian equipment, pocket the money:<\/strong> As far as we\u2019re concerned, the paper didn\u2019t exist before we started writing and it won\u2019t exist after we\u2019re gone, [see “solipsism,” Scott Shepard, Dec. 5, 1993<\/em>] so we\u2019re selling all The Collegian\u2019s expensive computers, photo equipment and lace doily collection–cheap<\/em>— and pocketing the profits, then driving to Mexico.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Play “Wheel of Term Papers:”<\/strong> We write ambiguous papers that all begin with “Knowledge is an exquisitely problematic paradox,” then pick at random which paper is for which class.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Feed the fish<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Call “911” to report Honor Code violations<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Visit sweatshop full of underpaid illegal immigrant Norwegian joke writers in basement:<\/strong> Where did you think we get our jokes from?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sign autographs<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Call Senior Campaign, earmark our donations for construction of “Gottwald Taco Bell”<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Pay off parking tickets in new Mexican currency, the “Poncharelli”<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Eat whole quart of mayonnaise<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Join the Sirens:<\/strong> We do a delightful duet on “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Learn “Gym-kata”<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Publish The Collected Wit and Wisdom of Jeff Waggett<\/em>:<\/strong> Thus far, some of our favorite examples are “To thine own self be true,” “Being quasi-Greek is like being half Macedonian and half Swedish, but different,” and “The pledge of allegiance sucks.” The book is a weighty six pages, with five and a half pages for autographs from your classmates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Steal Senior Gift name-engraved bricks, throw them through windows:<\/strong> We can put threatening messages on them, and the people will blame the person whose name is on the brick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Get new nickname, “Sparky” :<\/strong> It sounds much better than Paul\u2019s current nickname, “Pooter,” or Jeff\u2019s nickname, “Dickweed.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Win lottery<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022\u00a0Return to NBA after 18-month hiatus<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Make Mike Nimchek honorary member of “9 Divine:”<\/strong> If we\u2019re going to make fun of people, we might as well kill two birds with one stone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Call up registrar\u2019s office, declare fake majors:<\/strong> Such as “Hasselhoff <\/em><\/strong>Studies,” “VCR Repair,” “Refrigeration Technology” and “Leadership.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Don\u2019t be That Guy<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Solve crimes with help of a talking car<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Believe it\u2019s not butter<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Send ransom note for Lindbergh Baby:<\/strong> Hopefully, with our police department, it\u2019ll just send the money before it figures out the case was solved in 1937.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Come up with slogans for new fine arts building: <\/strong>Our favorite so far is: “They really kinda suck, but Jason Roop<\/em><\/strong> sure looks good in tights.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Track down and kill people who left Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead<\/em> during intermission:<\/strong> Don\u2019t think we didn\u2019t notice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Return frantic phone messages from King of Canada:<\/strong> It\u2019s something about declaring war or something. We\u2019ll get around to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Tape Quantum Leap and watch it six times<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Go to class: <\/strong>Oops. Well, you can\u2019t do everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Miki Turner contributed to this column. Don\u2019t blame<\/em> him, though, we forced him.)<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl and Paul Caputo More hyper-topical college humor! We combined our personalities into one to save time. You probably won’t get the “haircuts” joke unless you know that we had just finished the UR production of Tom Stoppard’s brilliant play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead which requires the whole cast to grow out their … Continue reading A Day in the Life: Puff Carpluto\u2019s \u2018Things to Do\u2019 List<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,64,7],"tags":[22],"class_list":["post-327","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-the-best-of-jeffcarl-com","category-ur-collegian","tag-paul-caputo"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/327","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=327"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/327\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":475,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/327\/revisions\/475"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=327"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=327"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=327"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}