{"id":369,"date":"2012-06-12T09:36:06","date_gmt":"2012-06-12T16:36:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=369"},"modified":"2020-06-20T14:09:08","modified_gmt":"2020-06-20T21:09:08","slug":"the-magic-of-redonkulin","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/2012\/06\/12\/the-magic-of-redonkulin\/","title":{"rendered":"The Magic of Redonkulin"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"has-medium-font-size\"><strong>By Jeffrey Carl <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"alignright size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/JeffPaulBTBNL.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-370\" width=\"246\" height=\"243\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/JeffPaulBTBNL.png 500w, https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/JeffPaulBTBNL-300x296.png 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 246px) 100vw, 246px\" \/><figcaption>Bloggers To Be Named Later, June 12 2012<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-background has-light-gray-background-color\"><em><a href=\"http:\/\/www.bloggerstobenamedlater.com\">Bloggers To Be Named Later<\/a> was Paul Caputo&#8217;s fabulous sports-blogging empire of the mid-2010s. My role in the enterprise was to promise to write humor articles and then not do that, or at least not remotely on time. Ultimately, after a flirtation with viral Internets fame, the site basically turned into an excuse for Paul to get free baseball tickets, which is actually about the only good reason to run a blog of any sort. After the BTBNL site wound down, I realized that I hadn&#8217;t kept local copies of most of the stories I had written, so I ended up scouring through <a href=\"http:\/\/www.archive.org\">The Internet Archive<\/a> to find as many as I could in order to prevent a tragic loss to the world&#8217;s cultural canon of blog posts complaining about the Seattle Mariners. You&#8217;re welcome. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Most athletes are actually pretty smart people, despite the fact that many of them had college majors in non-subjects like \u201csports medicine\u201d or \u201ccommunications.\u201d But there are a few tell-tale signs that your favorite athlete may not be a brain surgeon in their spare time:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>They went to school at a fake-sounding diploma mill like \u201cMount Saint Ringo College,\u201d \u201cEast North Chattahoochee Tech,\u201d or \u201cMiami University.\u201d<\/li><li>They take retirement investment advice from Warren Sapp or handgun safety courses from Plaxico Burress<\/li><li>They are named Manny Ramirez<\/li><li>\u2026or&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/www.phitenusa.com\/athleteslist.aspx\">they wear Phiten necklaces<\/a>.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"alignright size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/cj-wilson-necklace.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-374\" width=\"364\" height=\"284\"\/><figcaption>The Phiten (necklace) Texas Rangers<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.phitenusa.com\/\">Phiten<\/a>, for those unfamiliar, is a line of necklaces and sports garments which were briefly a huge fad among Major League Baseball players and to this day are still worn by many sports stars. The company claims \u2013 I am not making this up \u2013 that they have a unique process to create a metal called \u201cAqua-Titanium,\u201d a \u201chydro-collodial metal\u201d which produces \u201cMicro-Titanium Spheres.\u201d The company said \u2013 or at least it did&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/www.ftc.gov\/os\/caselist\/0323011\/0323011.shtm\">until they lost an $11M FTC lawsuit about their \u201cscientific\u201d claims<\/a>&nbsp;\u2013 that fatigue in the body is caused by an \u201cimbalance of ions.\u201d A Phiten Aqua Metal \u201c<a href=\"http:\/\/www.buzzle.com\/articles\/phiten-necklace-review.html\">interferes [with] the bio-currents of the body and realigns them \u2026 This provides a sense of rejuvenation and calmness in the wearer.<\/a>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But lest you doubt its effectiveness, they have Actual Science backing up their claims, published by the independent \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20160811123841\/http:\/www.aquametal.jp\/en\/\">Society for Aqua-Metal Research<\/a>.\u201d All this can be yours for prices ranging from about $40 for a basic necklace to $230 for a pure titanium bracelet. (If you want a quick picture of what the profit margin on this is like,&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/web.archive.org\/web\/20160811123841\/http:\/www.overstock.com\/Jewelry-Watches\/Mens-Titanium-Link-Bracelet\/3663219\/product.html\">you can buy a non-Phiten titanium bracelet here<\/a>&nbsp;for $35.)&nbsp;They also make \u2013 I am still not making this up \u2013 a line of lotions and hair care which feature \u201cAqua-Gold.\u201d Because your hair needs gold \u2026 that removes ions \u2026 or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So what do we have here? The intersection of athletes with lots of money and not a lot of critical thinking skills. My friends, this sounds to me like what one of my business school professors called \u201can opportunity to make a f\u2013k ton of money.\u201d And frankly, it\u2019s about time someone here at&nbsp;<em>BTBNL<\/em>&nbsp;figured out how we were going to get rich off this. I still think Paul Caputo\u2019s business model for this site was that eventually Ryan Howard would adopt him and make him his heir.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s why today I am announcing availability of new sports-enhancing miracle trinkets made of a wonder metal:&nbsp;<strong>Redonkulin<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"alignright size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/mylittlepony.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-375\" width=\"390\" height=\"364\"\/><figcaption>Redonkulin bracelets cause friendship!<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>These may \u2013 to the untrained eye \u2013 look like cheap German-branded \u201cMy Little Pony Friendship Bracelets.\u201d But no \u2013 they are made of 13% pure&nbsp;<strong>Redonkulin<\/strong>&nbsp;\u2013 a rare pseudo-metallic compound forged in the depths of&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/www.glyphweb.com\/arda\/o\/orodruin.html\">Mount Doom<\/a>&nbsp;that provide greater energy, faster reflexes and Minty Fresh Breath. I will now take some made-up questions from the audience:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Q: Redonkulin sounds awesome! But how does it work?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A: It\u2019s a well known True Fact that all body problems are caused by excess&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=8n3TsWRpLrk\">neutrons<\/a>. Neutrons are invisible particles that hate America and are responsible for things like nuclear fission and poor SAT scores. But&nbsp;<strong>Redonkulin<\/strong>&nbsp;creates a bio-electric necker cube of anti-neutron repagination that literally beats up neutrons and takes their lunch money. In addition, it repels dangerous chemicals like dihydrogen monoxide, shields the wearer from most asteroids, and is washable on permanent press. Best of all, it works immediately through the power of the scientifically proven and impressive-sounding&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Placebo\">placebo effect<\/a>.*<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Q: Those frigging neutrons! I hate them!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A: I know, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Q: The neutron menace must be stopped, I can feel them getting all over me right now and causing fatigue, muscle cramps and itty bitty thigh pimples. How can I buy it?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"alignright size-large is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Rubber-band-600x450-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-377\" width=\"377\" height=\"283\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Rubber-band-600x450-1.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Rubber-band-600x450-1-300x225.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 377px) 100vw, 377px\" \/><figcaption>The Amazing Twist-A-Thing! It is endless and just blew your mind.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>A: Cool your jets, I\u2019m not done. Best of all, if you act RIGHT NOW we will send you a free special gift:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The amazing&nbsp;<strong>Twist-A-Thing<\/strong>&nbsp;bracelet! Made from a secret compound of unobtanium, the animal they made the&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/simpsons.wikia.com\/wiki\/Ribwich\">Ribwich<\/a>&nbsp;out of, and petrochemical by-products, it contains highly scientific&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/marvel.wikia.com\/Unstable_Molecules\">unstable molecules<\/a>&nbsp;which sound like a real thing! Bend it in any shape \u2013 and it will snap right back to its original form. Put it around your wrist \u2013 WHO KNOWS WHAT CAN HAPPEN? Maybe something good for you or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Q: OMG.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A: Exactly. I think we can safely say with absolutely no exaggeration that this is the most awesomest thing ever in the history of anything that has ever been awesome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Q: I must have it now.&nbsp;How oh how can I purchase this marvel of \u201cscience?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A:&nbsp;You can buy it TODAY through this very website! Your very own sporty Redonkulin pony-friendship-themed necklace is available for only $174.99, or purchasable in three easy installments of $129.99 each. We will include FREE SHIPPING if you just mail us your credit card, and you will get it back eventually!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So don\u2019t delay! Emulate your favorite naive or unscrupulous celebrity athlete endorser and buy your&nbsp;<strong>Redonkulin<\/strong>&nbsp;bracelet and amazing&nbsp;<strong>Twist-A-Thing<\/strong>&nbsp;today. All our products are scientifically proven to exist by research from the independent \u201cRedonkulin Research Council**,\u201d and we absolutely guarantee our products to not be radioactive as far as you know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>* May cause allergies in people sensitive to ponies or love. Do not use Redonkulin if you are currently taking Benzobrist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>** This institute is my dogs Spencer and Holly wearing adorable white lab coats. I asked them if Redonkulin is awesome while waving some Bacon Bits up and down and they nodded.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Most athletes are actually pretty smart people, despite the fact that many of them had college majors in non-subjects like \u201csports medicine\u201d or \u201ccommunications.\u201d But there are a few tell-tale signs that your favorite athlete may not be a brain surgeon in their spare time: They went to school at a fake-sounding diploma mill like &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/2012\/06\/12\/the-magic-of-redonkulin\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">The Magic of Redonkulin<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,62,64],"tags":[22,40],"class_list":["post-369","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bloggers-to-be-named-later","category-humor","category-the-best-of-jeffcarl-com","tag-paul-caputo","tag-sports"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/369","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=369"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/369\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":389,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/369\/revisions\/389"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=369"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=369"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=369"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}