{"id":401,"date":"1994-06-02T18:06:46","date_gmt":"1994-06-03T01:06:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=401"},"modified":"2020-07-09T09:54:29","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T16:54:29","slug":"horrorscope-of-the-stars","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1994\/06\/02\/horrorscope-of-the-stars\/","title":{"rendered":"Horrorscope of the Stars"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
The Westmoreland News, June 2 1994<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):<\/strong> This is a good time for business dealings.  Buy things which will make money.  Don\u2019t buy things which won\u2019t make money.  Avoid Scorpios and foods with lots of saturated fats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):<\/strong> Your name may or may not be Edgar.  If it is, you\u2019re in big trouble.  If it isn\u2019t, then don\u2019t worry about it.  Don\u2019t watch too much TV this week: it\u2019s bad for your eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):<\/strong> Avoid starchy foods.  You will soon meet a tall, handsome stranger who will mug you and take all your money.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):<\/strong> This is a time for reconciling with loved ones who you care about, but have fought with.  If you don\u2019t care about them, then to hell with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):<\/strong> Your star is in an unusual position.  This probably means that you will buy either a Village People album or the \u201cShaft\u2019s Big Score\u201d soundtrack in the next few days.  And then you will feel stupid for having bought them.  Or maybe it doesn\u2019t mean that.  I really don\u2019t know.  And, in fact, I\u2019m not a Pisces, so I couldn\u2019t care less.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):<\/strong> If your name is George and you\u2019re curious, beware the man in the yellow hat.  Also, remember: there may still be pieces of Skylab floating around out there.  Be sure to floss frequently or tartar build-up may occur.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):<\/strong> If you see a large, green, scaly monster with huge, hideous teeth and fangs this week, don\u2019t go near it.  It will probably eat you.  This is also a good time for investing, unless, of course, you go near the monster, in which case it won\u2019t be a good time for anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aries (March 21 – April 19):<\/strong> Romance is entering your life this week in the form of a flashy stranger.  Don\u2019t get too excited, because it is also exiting your life a couple days later.  Renew your expensive magazine subscriptions this week, but give them somebody else\u2019s address.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):<\/strong> If somebody offers you fifty bucks this week, take it.  If somebody offers you a moldy old banana, don\u2019t take it, because it will probably make you sick and die, which is bad luck.  Your decision to pursue a career as a human minesweeper may not work out as well as you hoped.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):<\/strong> Be careful with your health this week.  This is a bad time for business dealings with Libras or space aliens.  Don\u2019t forget to water your lawn.  Remember that you can save money by calling collect and sticking your loved ones with the bill.  You are lucky this week: your chances of winning the Virginia State Lottery are merely 1 in 6.3 million, down from 7.1 million last week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):<\/strong> Don\u2019t smoke.  It\u2019s bad for you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, … Continue reading Horrorscope of the Stars<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,20],"tags":[56,42],"class_list":["post-401","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-the-westmoreland-news","tag-horoscope","tag-westmoreland"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=401"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":487,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/401\/revisions\/487"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=401"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=401"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=401"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}