{"id":452,"date":"1994-06-16T11:28:06","date_gmt":"1994-06-16T18:28:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=452"},"modified":"2020-07-09T09:54:28","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T16:54:28","slug":"horrorscope-of-the-stars-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1994\/06\/16\/horrorscope-of-the-stars-3\/","title":{"rendered":"Horrorscope of the Stars"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
The Westmoreland News, June 16 1994<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):<\/strong> Your agent will call this week with a fantastic offer.  If you don\u2019t have an agent, then hang up because it\u2019s a wrong number.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):<\/strong> Get in touch with your spiritual self this week.  Watch all of the \u201cOh, God\u201d movies and reruns of \u201cAmen.\u201d  Take time to keep in touch with faraway loved ones, but do it after 11 p.m. when the phone rates are cheap.  Avoid Leos and hang-gliding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):<\/strong> In your spare time this week, try designing new interior decorations or a fusion reactor that runs on pizza crusts.  Whatever you do this week, for God\u2019s sake don\u2019t … well, never mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):<\/strong> By pure chance, the Hollywood screen idol of your dreams will drop by your house this week, but you will be out shopping.  This is a good week to put things off that you don\u2019t feel like doing.  Then again, it\u2019s always a good week to put off things that you don\u2019t feel like doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):<\/strong> Your stars have been in an extraordinary conjunction – it means an incredible opportunity.  It actually means that there was one last week, but you didn\u2019t know about it, so forget it.  This week, avoid Tauruses and Buicks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):<\/strong> Indulge your sassy side this week – do something zany.  Just remember that the age of consent in Virginia is 18; anything over $200 is Grand Larceny, which is a felony;  nobody thinks that swallowing live goldfish is funny anymore; and just because I said it doesn\u2019t mean you have to do it.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):<\/strong> Take time to stop and smell the roses this week.  But if you\u2019re standing there, sniffing someone named Rose and they call you a pervert and beat the hell out of you, don\u2019t be surprised.  Avoid Scorpios this week and Ronald Reagan movies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aries (March 21 – April 19):<\/strong> This is an amazing week for … hey, if you\u2019re not an Aries, stop reading this.  Yeah, I mean you<\/em>.  It\u2019s none of your business.  Yeah, sure<\/em> you\u2019re an Aries.  I believe you.  Stop reading this and go back to your own horoscope.  I\u2019m not kidding.  Alright, fine, have it your way, nosey.  I just won\u2019t tell you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):<\/strong> Take some time this week to spend with your lover.  If you don\u2019t have a lover, then buy an inflatable doll and dress them up and call them \u201cIrving\u201d or \u201cWeezie\u201d and spend time with them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):<\/strong> I won\u2019t say anything about this week for you except you should remember that the police need to have a warrant before they can officially search your house or tap your phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):<\/strong> Have you had your prostate examined recently?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leo (whatever is left over):<\/strong> Whoops.  I ran out of forecasts.  Make something up for yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, … Continue reading Horrorscope of the Stars<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,20],"tags":[56,57,42],"class_list":["post-452","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-the-westmoreland-news","tag-horoscope","tag-mysterious-professor-zoltar","tag-westmoreland"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/452","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=452"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/452\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":484,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/452\/revisions\/484"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=452"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=452"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=452"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}