{"id":492,"date":"1994-07-14T07:17:59","date_gmt":"1994-07-14T14:17:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=492"},"modified":"2020-07-09T09:54:28","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T16:54:28","slug":"horrorscope-of-the-stars-6","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1994\/07\/14\/horrorscope-of-the-stars-6\/","title":{"rendered":"Horrorscope of the Stars"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
The Westmoreland News, July 14 1994<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s Note: We here at the <\/strong>Westmoreland News<\/em> pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  We have received numerous requests from our readers to stop making the horoscopes funny.  This aroused some confusion, as we really didn\u2019t think they were funny to begin with.  However, your wish is our command, and this represents the final issue of the Mysterious Professor Zoltan\u2019s tenure as Staff Astrologer.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):<\/strong>  Well that\u2019s just great.  They\u2019re firing me.  Wonderful.  I hate you all.  Do you hear me?  I\u2019m gonna go down the subscription list and come to everybody\u2019s  house with a bazooka.  Oh?  You want a horoscope?  Here\u2019s your flippin\u2019 horoscope: I\u2019m having a rotten week and I think you should too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):<\/strong> Consider  your business dealings with strangers carefully.  Make your move to let someone know you care.  Eat lots of fruit.  And believe everything you read.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):<\/strong> There is a great amount of money in your future this week.  Unfortunately, it is somebody else\u2019s money.  Stay alert this week: opportunities are here!  They are bad opportunities, but they\u2019re opportunities anyway. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):<\/strong> Be careful in your business dealings this week: don\u2019t fall for that old \u201cI\u2019ll trade you two tens for a five\u201d trick.  Avoid Tauruses and corrugated aluminum siding. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):<\/strong> Alright, you didn\u2019t send me any money, so here\u2019s your horoscope: you will die in the next 24 hours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):<\/strong> This is the dawning of the aaage of Sagittariuuuus!  da-dah The aaage of … that just doesn\u2019t have the same ring to it, does it?  Never mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):<\/strong> You should take yourself too seriously this week.  Like me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):<\/strong> Be sure to recycle this week: cans, bottles, motor oil, unwanted family members, you name it.  Keep an eye open for something which will happen this week and don\u2019t worry about something else, which will not happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):<\/strong> Did you send me any money last week?  Huh?  No!  Nobody did!    Do you think it\u2019s easy coming up with horoscopes week after week?  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to cash checks addressed to \u201cThe Mysterious Professor Zoltan?\u201d  Well, no money – no horoscope. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):<\/strong> This would be a good week to stay home and catch up on soaps.  Avoid Sagittariuses and rat poison.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, … Continue reading Horrorscope of the Stars<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,20],"tags":[57,42],"class_list":["post-492","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-the-westmoreland-news","tag-mysterious-professor-zoltar","tag-westmoreland"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/492","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=492"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/492\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":493,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/492\/revisions\/493"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=492"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=492"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=492"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}