{"id":502,"date":"1994-08-11T10:06:13","date_gmt":"1994-08-11T17:06:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=502"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:01:03","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:01:03","slug":"horrorscope-of-the-stars-7","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1994\/08\/11\/horrorscope-of-the-stars-7\/","title":{"rendered":"Horrorscope of the Stars"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
The Westmoreland News, August 11 1994<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Astrologer\u2019s Note: Okay, I\u2019m really finished this time.  You won\u2019t have the Mysterious Professor Zoltan to kick around any more.  I\u2019m outta here.  Hey \u2013 would I lie?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):<\/strong> Your money problems can be solved easily: send all of your money to me, and then you won\u2019t have any to worry about.  Remember, that address is:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mysterious Professor Zoltan<\/p>\n\n\n\n

c\/o The Westmoreland News<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Montross, VA 22520<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cash or money order preferred.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):<\/strong> Share a smile with someone this week.  But don\u2019t share your toothbrush.  That\u2019s disgusting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):<\/strong> You know what?  On the day that they covered Libras in Horoscope School, I played hooky and went to a Phillies game.  Sorry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):<\/strong> Your lucky day for the lottery is June 23, 1993.  I hope you were playing that day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):<\/strong> Don\u2019t you think it\u2019s weird that you drive<\/em> on a park<\/em>way, and you park <\/em>on a drive<\/em>way?  Yeah, well I think that\u2019s weird, too.  Oh, and some stuff will happen to you this week, also.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):<\/strong> Orion is moving into the house of Gemini, as is Sirius.  That either means that you will have a romantic weekend or that you will grow an extra head.  I\u2019m not sure which. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):<\/strong> Take some time to relax this week.  Kick back with some lemonade.  Unplug the phone for a while.  Shoot out the televsion if Richard Simmons is on it.  Blame household messes on \u201cthose darn invisible muskrats.\u201d  Call up \u201cJudy the Time\/Life Books Operator\u201d and ask her out.  It\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aries (March 21 – April 19):<\/strong> I predict that if you play for a Major League Baseball team this week, you will go on strike.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):<\/strong> You will discover the secret formula for X-ray goggles that really work.  Flushed by scientific achievement, you will go out to celebrate your discovery and the neighbors\u2019 dog will eat all your research.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):<\/strong> Eat more apples.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):<\/strong> Have you ever considered just changing your birthday?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):<\/strong> Strive for immortality this week.  You know how Benjamin Franklin said that the only two certainties in life are \u201cdeath and taxes?\u201d  Well, you can apply to the government for special tax-exempt status!  See if you can figure out whom to apply to to get death-exempt status.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Horoscope Special:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I received a letter this week containing a bunch of green paper with \u201cfunny money\u201d written on it and a question.  This is obviously a) a disturbed individual with b) much too much free time who c) should not be allowed access to the Xerox machine.  However, their question was a fair one:  when will \u201cwhen pigs fly\u201d be?  Here is a quick guide to this type of occurrence:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When pigs fly: April 9, 1991.  I hope you were watching that day, because they did.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the cows come home: Duh.  At dinner-time.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Hell freezes over: Next March 7th.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the Cubs win the pennant: October 12, 2639.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Westmoreland News horoscopes are funny: Good luck.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, … Continue reading Horrorscope of the Stars<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,20],"tags":[57,42],"class_list":["post-502","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-the-westmoreland-news","tag-mysterious-professor-zoltar","tag-westmoreland"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/502","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=502"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/502\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":506,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/502\/revisions\/506"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=502"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=502"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=502"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}