{"id":537,"date":"1994-11-03T08:29:56","date_gmt":"1994-11-03T16:29:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=537"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:01:02","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:01:02","slug":"im-cranky-and-i-hate-everybody","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1994\/11\/03\/im-cranky-and-i-hate-everybody\/","title":{"rendered":"I’m Cranky and I Hate Everybody"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
\"Jeffrey
University of Richmond Collegian, November 3 1994<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to Assistant News Editor in my sophomore year, then on to Greek Life Editor and IT Manager (I read MacWorld magazine!) in my junior year, and ultimately to Opinion Editor in my senior year. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For some reason that escapes me now, I acquired a humor column during this process at the beginning of my junior year. This column, titled “Over the Cliff Notes,” eventually ran for 22 installments and was over the course of two years was read by literally dozens of actual humans, only most of which where KA pledges I forced to do so. Its literary influence was quite literally incalculable, and I’m just going to leave it at that.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  Unfortunately, we also think we\u2019re funny, which pretty much cancels out any chance we just had of doing something useful.  Besides, I have the flu and I\u2019m in a bad mood, but I\u2019ll try to suck it up and get on with this column.  So I guess it\u2019s time to open that fruity-licious mailbag and pull out some piping-hot, hearty chunk-style letters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember: all these letters are real, because if we made them up, it wouldn\u2019t be funny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: My apartment-mate keeps running around in only Spider-Man underoos, eating dirt and claiming to see this \u201cMr. Snuffallupagus\u201d that none of the rest of us can see.\u00a0 What should I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, okay, okay.  That one was made up.  But the rest are really real.  I\u2019m not kidding.  Back to the mailbag…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Does anybody actually understand girls?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: No. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, it is well-established that even actual real-life girls don\u2019t understand girls.  In a recent survey, over 65 percent of girls that were asked, \u201cLike, what\u2019s up with chicks, you know?\u201d responded with either \u201cHuh?\u201d or \u201cI dunno.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Indeed, my own research into the subject has been somewhat hindered by the fact that whenever I ask a girl out, they don\u2019t actually respond, but rather drop to the floor, laughing hysterically and occasionally wetting themselves.  This has made further research difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, medical science has made enormous advances in the past 20 years and some important discoveries have been made.  Scientists have only recently discovered that:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Girls have not been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Girls are much less likely to include \u201cESPN 2\u201d as one of the Seven Wonders of the World.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 One-third of guys were rated as \u201creally messy;\u201d the other 75 percent were declared \u201cjust totally disgusting slobs.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Girls do not actually have \u2013 as was previously believed \u2013 long, spiny wings or small vestigial tails.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Research was found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What is the final conclusion that we may draw from this?  Well, the conclusion I drew is that instead of facing an entire lifetime of rejection and ignominious failure being turned down by girls, I could just forget the whole thing and go to the vet\u2019s and get \u201cfixed\u201d for about what I would have otherwise spent on one formal date.  Next question?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Are you really as grumpy and bitter in real life as you sound in your columns?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Yes.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not because I hate anybody in specific, I just hate people in general.  It\u2019s not that I hate you, I hate your whole family and your little dog, too, Dorothy.  If any of you are freshmen men and you happen to meet someone during Rush (I won\u2019t say where because I promised never to mention KA again in the newspaper) wearing a tie who seems to be mumbling Shakespeare and biting people who try to talk to him, it\u2019s me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The technical term for my sort of attitude is \u201ccurmudgeonly.\u201d  Most people just refer to it as, \u201cboy is that guy an ass\u201d or something similar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Did you notice how this turned from an innocuous little \u201cfake questions\u201d column into a rambling tirade about how cranky I am?  Well, tough noogies, Pretzel Boy.  I\u2019m grumpy and I have the flu and I have no compunctions about trying to make everybody else feel as rotten as me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where was I?  Let\u2019s see … my life … parade of shame and wasted lives … biting freshmen … the vet\u2019s office  … Biosphere II … small dogs dipped in crunchy batter and lightly fried … oh, yeah.  I have the flu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Influenza (or Influential Snifflus Vomitorium) is a virus carried by mosquitoes that live in the deserts of Morocco.  It can only be cured by a series of extremely painful shots and is sometimes known to cause death, paralysis and minor stomach discomfort.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consequently, I am forced to be miserable and skip classes when I otherwise would have been skipping classes and doing something fun.  It is just no fun to skip classes when you have really have an excuse.  Half the fun of skipping classes is inventing lame excuses like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 \u201cI had to go to the Dagobah system to seek the Jedi Master Yoda who would teach me the ways of the Force.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 \u201cI was playing racquetball with the Pope.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 \u201cI was dead on Wednesday, but I\u2019m all better now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 \u201cBut I was here last class.  You didn\u2019t see me?  Then it means … my invisibility serum works!  It works!  HA HA HA HA HA They said I was mad!  Mad, I tell you!  But I\u2019ll show them all now!  HA HA HA HA\u201d                                                        and so on and such forth, the point still being that I\u2019m sick and cranky and I hate everybody.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next question?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q: Who do I call if I have problems registering?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Oh, and another thing.  On top of all that, my mom got behind sending checks to everybody to get them to hang out with me, so all my \u201cfriends\u201d stopped talking to me until their November checks clear.  So I\u2019m completely miserable and I\u2019ll probably die of pneumonia and halitosis and stuff and nobody likes me and I\u2019ll have to take my mom to our next formal and I hate everybody.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So why doesn\u2019t everybody cheer me up?  Huh?  Well?  Why don\u2019t we have a special holiday just like Christmas, except everybody just gives presents to me?  When am I going to be named WCGA Senator of the Month?  Since when did the world stop revolving around me?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Sigh.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So what have we learned?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

a) Don\u2019t write newspaper columns when you\u2019re sick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

b) Don\u2019t stick a fork in an electrical socket.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

c) Stop, drop, and roll.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

d) If you ever run into me when I\u2019m sick and I am this cranky to you, you have the right to slap me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to … Continue reading I’m Cranky and I Hate Everybody<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":57,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,7],"tags":[70],"class_list":["post-537","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-ur-collegian","tag-collegian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/URC_logo_header.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/537","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=537"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/537\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":538,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/537\/revisions\/538"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/57"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=537"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=537"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=537"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}