{"id":545,"date":"1995-02-23T11:09:48","date_gmt":"1995-02-23T19:09:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=545"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:01:02","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:01:02","slug":"adios-aloha-ave-atque-vale-et-cetera","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1995\/02\/23\/adios-aloha-ave-atque-vale-et-cetera\/","title":{"rendered":"Adios, Aloha, Ave Atque Vale, Et Cetera"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
\"Jeffrey
University of Richmond Collegian, February 23 1995<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to Assistant News Editor in my sophomore year, then on to Greek Life Editor and IT Manager (I read MacWorld magazine!) in my junior year, and ultimately to Opinion Editor in my senior year. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For some reason that escapes me now, I acquired a humor column during this process at the beginning of my junior year. This column, titled “Over the Cliff Notes,” eventually ran for 22 installments and was over the course of two years was read by literally dozens of actual humans, only most of which where KA pledges I forced to do so. Its literary influence was quite literally incalculable, and I’m just going to leave it at that.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s note: This guy is just a columnist.  He doesn\u2019t reflect the opinions of the editors.  He\u2019s just some jerk we found in the gutter and chained to a Macintosh and we don\u2019t like him anyway and he smells bad and … hey … wait a second. I\u2019ve been writing these \u201cEditor\u2019s notes\u201d for close to two years now and I just realized … I am the editor of this section.  Uh … screw all that other stuff I said before.  This \u201cJeff Carl\u201d person is obviously a damn fine American and it is the firm opinion of the editor that you should bow three times a day, face Apartment 302 and worship him, plus send all your money.  Good night and God bless.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  Yeah, my ass<\/em> we do.  Anyway.<\/em>  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I  hereby quit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m sick of all this crapola [Spanish for \u201c9 Divine\u201d]<\/em>.  This is my final column.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But why,  you ask?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my brief, three-year career in journalism, Ihave been threatened with a lawsuit, been threatened with having \u201cthe living s–t\u201d beaten out of me by people I called \u201csissy boys\u201d [see last week]<\/em>, received stern letters from my professors about using bad words, been damn-near disowned by my fraternity, shot at (okay, so that didn\u2019t actually have as much to do with being a \u201cjournalist\u201d as being a \u201ctrespasser\u201d), received hate mail from the Westmoreland County librarian, gotten fan mail from the Callao County Medium Security Correctional Facility and been called everything from \u201ca poop-brain\u201d to \u201ca poop-head.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being a columnist isn\u2019t all kibbles and bits, you know.  Comedy is a serious business.  Do you realize how difficult it is to fill 800 words with stupid cracks at 9 Divine whilst overusing the term \u201ca mild cheese sauce?\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frankly, it\u2019s really not worth it.  I\u2019ve worked for The Collegian for three years now, and what has it even given me?  Pain!  Anguish!  Hangnails … Leg cramps … Dogs piddle on me …   \u201cChicks\u201d for some reason just don\u2019t \u201cdig\u201d me …  They pay me in stupid worthless beads and shiny bottlecaps just because I listened to Nimchek\u2019s advice and insisted in getting all my pay in \u201cfiat currency\u201d … Chick-Fil-A still refuses to give any <\/em>sort of \u201cColumnist Discount,\u201d although most liquor stores do … and<\/em> I still haven\u2019t been named \u201cWCGASenator of the Month.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ergo [Latin for \u201ctherefore\u201d]<\/em>, I\u2019m giving this crappy [Latin for \u201clike crap\u201d]<\/em> racket up.  Maybe I\u2019ll do something that people respect more, like clubbing baby seals or mugging blind nuns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once upon a time I thought that plenty of people here lacked a sense of humor.  Well, I believe I\u2019ve spent the last two years proving<\/em> it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In that time, I\u2019ve systematically attempted to cheese off everybody there is<\/em> to cheese \u2013 if you haven\u2019t been offended, don\u2019t worry, it was a clerical error, please send in your name and I\u2019ll offend you personally \u2013 and you know what?  Some people actually didn\u2019t<\/em> think that my abusing them and dragging their name through the mud was funny<\/em>.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But, you may ask, aren\u2019t there any benefits to being a Collegian columnist?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But, admittedly, you do<\/em> get to complain about things.  You also have the ability to irritate people on a campus-wide<\/em> scale, instead of just those in close proximity to you.  In fact, you can inspire people you\u2019ve never even met before to hate you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, Collegian columnists have lucrative endorsement deals with Charter Westbrook hospital (\u201cDepressed?  Can\u2019t stop crying?  Still writing 800 words about \u20189 Divine\u2019 and \u2018a mild cheese sauce?\u2019  Get help.<\/em>\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe it would just be easier \u2013 certainly more lucrative \u2013 for all of the columnists here to give up writing and use their new-found fame to market their own products:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Paul Caputo\u2019s \u201cIt\u2019s All Greek to Me\u201d<\/em> souvlaki and gyros restaurant.  All the food is bitter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The Scott Shepard Keg-erator<\/em>: icy cold, inhuman, mechanical and usually full of alcohol.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Mike Nimchek\u2019s \u201cSanskrit Translations of \u2018Atlas Shrugged\u2019 anthology\u201d <\/em>: obscure, well-nigh-impossible to read and completely paraphrased from Ayn Rand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The Brian C. Jones Safety Handgun:<\/em> lots of bullets and no points.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 And the Jeffrey D. R. S. Carl Automatic Monkey Shucker<\/em>:  It\u2019s just … strange<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The point of all this being that I\u2019ve had it.  \u201cBut what you said wasn\u2019t true<\/em>,\u201d people will say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Excuses, excuses.  If a frog had wings, it wouldn\u2019t bump its ass hopping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course<\/em> it isn\u2019t true.  It\u2019s a joke. Jokes<\/em> are not real<\/em>.  Do I really think RCSGA senators should be used as firewood?  No.  Do I really suggest an InterVarsity ChristianFellowship \u201cRush event\u201d with a \u201cFish and Loaves Picnic?\u201d  No.  Am Ian eight-foot-tall marsupial with small vestigial wings and a thick German accent?  Well, kind of.  No!<\/em>  I make fun of myself more than I make fun of anyone else.  Having a sense of humor is not that important.  Having a sense of humor about yourself<\/em> is.  You have no right to laugh at anyone else if you can\u2019t laugh at yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I tried to point out how silly it was to take some things seriously (popularity, envy, sorority Rush, scurvy, the Black Plague) by making them seem as silly as possible.  I tried to make everybody laugh, regardless of who got their feelings hurt or how tasteless it might have been.  I took no prisoners and butchered every sacred cow and served it up as \u201ccole slaw\u201d at The Pier, assuming everyone else would laugh at their own foolishness as easily as I did.  I was wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And now I really don\u2019t care enough to keep at it.  Truth be told, there\u2019s plenty<\/em> of other things to do with my free time, most of which don\u2019t involve smelling the asbestos and film developer in The Collegian\u2019s office (proven probably not to always necessarily cause cancer in some laboratory pledges) and none of which involve getting fan mail from prison.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I could take up bungee jumping … learn ritual suicide techniques (for the next time I\u2019m in Indiana) … be a roadie for the 1995 Monsters of Rock tour with Van Halen and Timbuk3 … stay home and watch every hour of the O.J. Simpson trial coverage on E! anchored by Kathleen Sullivan, a fashion consultant and  a blob of grayish mold shaped like Walter Cronkite …  or just run around campus screaming \u201cYahtzee!\u201d<\/em> at the top of my lungs.  The possibilities are endless.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I won\u2019t miss it at all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to … Continue reading Adios, Aloha, Ave Atque Vale, Et Cetera<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":57,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,7],"tags":[70],"class_list":["post-545","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-ur-collegian","tag-collegian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/URC_logo_header.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/545","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=545"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/545\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":546,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/545\/revisions\/546"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/57"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=545"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=545"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=545"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}