{"id":551,"date":"1995-04-16T11:58:14","date_gmt":"1995-04-16T18:58:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=551"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:05","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:05","slug":"ettiquette-betrayed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1995\/04\/16\/ettiquette-betrayed\/","title":{"rendered":"Ettiquette Betrayed"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
\"Jeffrey
University of Richmond Collegian, April 13 1995<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to Assistant News Editor in my sophomore year, then on to Greek Life Editor and IT Manager (I read MacWorld magazine!) in my junior year, and ultimately to Opinion Editor in my senior year. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For some reason that escapes me now, I acquired a humor column during this process at the beginning of my junior year. This column, titled “Over the Cliff Notes,” eventually ran for 22 installments and was over the course of two years was read by literally dozens of actual humans, only most of which where KA pledges I forced to do so. Its literary influence was quite literally incalculable, and I’m just going to leave it at that.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers. If you are one of the lucky customers who have purchased The Collegian \u201cBooks on Tape\u201d series, then let me also say that we are responsive to our listeners. Editor\u2019s Note: Please note that the \u201cBooks on Tape\u201d edition carries the full text of this article as well as three bonus tracks, two of which are unreleased: \u201cMy Life as a Squirrel\u201d and \u201cStairway to Heaven (extended live version).\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The point being that we are constantly besieged by requests from readers. Many say, \u201cYou go to Hell.\u201d But many others also request that we print things which are of great value to the community and of general interest. These are thrown away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But recently we have received numerous requests for a guide to what is probably my major area of expertise in life: manners. And your wish is our command, if you staple $20 to it. Today\u2019s episode is part nine of a forthcoming series of mine called \u201cEtiquette Betrayed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Etiquette Betrayed IX: Manners and the Arts<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When attending arts events at the University of Richmond, there are a few simple rules to observe that will make your experience, and those of other arts patrons, more enjoyable. Unfortunately, most of these rules are not funny and therefore will be disregarded. Here is a quick-and-easy guide to the remainder of them:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When at Art Shows:
<\/strong>\u2022 It is rude to ask the artist what sort of drugs he or she was using at the time the work was created.
\u2022 Loudly announcing, \u201cThis is crap!\u201d or \u201cThis is the artistic equivalent of 9 Divine!\u201d will not be appreciated.
\u2022 If you can see somewhere that the artist messed up, feel free to take a crayon and correct it for them.
\u2022 At pottery exhibits, do not repeatedly ask to see the world-famous earthenware bong collection.
\u2022 If looking at a particularly dreadful abstract painting, run over to the nearest gallery employee and demand, \u201cWhere did you get these pictures of my mother?\u201d
\u2022 It is generally in bad taste to vomit on the artwork. Vomiting on the artists is, however, acceptable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When at Music Recitals:
<\/strong>\u2022 Holding up one\u2019s lighter during sad parts is not generally acceptable.
\u2022 Nor is requesting \u201cFreebird!\u201d repeatedly.
\u2022 If the music is too quiet, you may play along on a kazoo to help others in the audience hear the tune.
\u2022\u00a0No one will be impressed if you tell the Shanghai Quartet, \u201cYou guys just haven\u2019t been the same since David Lee Roth left.\u201d
\u2022 If an opera or hymn is being sung in a foreign language, be helpful and invent English lyrics and sing them so the audience will know what is going on. Be sure to include in the lyrics the phrases \u201clicks me like a hamster\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m your cool cool monkey of love.\u201d
\u2022 Although perfectly acceptable at Dead shows, \u201cpassing the peace pipe\u201d at Mozart concertos is frowned upon.
\u2022 If one of the musicians impolitely begs you for heroin or vomits on you, it is probably just the drummer. Do not be offended, as this is one of their native customs. Feel free to vomit back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When at Plays:
<\/strong>\u2022 Gesticulating with one\u2019s arms and yelling wildly, \u201cWHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP\u201d is generally unacceptable, unless it is called for in the program notes.
\u2022 Equally unacceptable are \u201cThe Chop\u201d and \u201cThe Wave.\u201d
\u2022 Comments like \u201cCats was much better than this\u201d are not generally appreciated.
\u2022 If there hasn\u2019t been a car chase in the first five minutes, you can just get up and leave.
\u2022 If the play is boring, feel free to stand up, wave your arms spastically and yell \u201cFIRE!\u201d to add that fun, free-for-all element of full-bore-linear-panic-in-a-crowd-situation that puts spice into life.
\u2022 Unless you are sitting in the balcony, vomiting on the actors may prove difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dying for a chance to put these new-found mannerisms into practice, aren\u2019t you? Playing Thursday night through Sunday afternoon in the Camp Theater is the famous comedy Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, which one reviewer called \u201cJust like being trampled to death by an army of dwarves, but less fun.\u201d It stars a veritable horde of past and present Collegian columnists \u2013 Paul Caputo, Chris Wright, Brian C. Jones, Branden Waugh, Randy Baker and \u2013 who would have guessed? \u2013\u00a0me \u2013 which should tell you one thing right away: \u201cChrist almighty, this isn\u2019t gonna be even remotely amusing.\u201d The word is out: it\u2019s \u201cRoop-tastic!\u201d Jeffrey Lyons of \u201cSneak Previews\u201d said, \u201cIt\u2019s the feel-good musical comedy of the \u201890s, except that there is no music and it isn\u2019t funny.\u201d Quite frankly, if you miss it, you\u2019ll be a sad, bitter, lonely failure for the rest of your life! Special guarantee: if you can tell which was Rosencrantz and which was Guildenstern by the end of the play, you don\u2019t get your money back! Act now! And mind your manners.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jeffrey Carl Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to … Continue reading Ettiquette Betrayed<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":57,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,7],"tags":[70],"class_list":["post-551","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","category-ur-collegian","tag-collegian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/URC_logo_header.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/551","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=551"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/551\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":552,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/551\/revisions\/552"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/57"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=551"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=551"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=551"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}