{"id":553,"date":"1995-04-20T12:11:57","date_gmt":"1995-04-20T19:11:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/?p=553"},"modified":"2020-07-08T19:02:05","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T02:02:05","slug":"good-night-sweet-print","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jeffcarl.com\/index.php\/1995\/04\/20\/good-night-sweet-print\/","title":{"rendered":"Good Night, Sweet Print"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Jeffrey Carl<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
\"Jeffrey
University of Richmond Collegian, April 20 1995<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to Assistant News Editor in my sophomore year, then on to Greek Life Editor and IT Manager (I read MacWorld magazine!) in my junior year, and ultimately to Opinion Editor in my senior year. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For some reason that escapes me now, I acquired a humor column during this process at the beginning of my junior year. This column, titled “Over the Cliff Notes,” eventually ran for 22 installments and was over the course of two years was read by literally dozens of actual humans, only most of which where KA pledges I forced to do so. Its literary influence was quite literally incalculable, and I’m just going to leave it at that.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

So this is it.  It\u2019s all over.  My last column.  I\u2019m not kidding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m graduating,  I\u2019m looking for a job.  I\u2019m engaged.  I\u2019m starting to get gray hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, what have we learned?  I\u2019m not sure.  The last two years of my college career were pretty much defined within what I wrote here.  Let\u2019s go back and examine some actual excerpts of what I wrote and see if I learned anything:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jeff Carl\u2019s Greatest Hits<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Editor\u2019s Note: Yeah.  Sure.  Whatever.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Of course, I meant \u201creally bites ass\u201d in the strict biblical sense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The only conclusion I can come to is that the radio station should be filled in with cement immediately and all of the DJs should be burned at the stake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sorority Life:<\/strong> This revolves primarily around Rush retreats (see HAHAHA<\/em> above) and scrambling for formal dates.  Sorority formals, as previously mentioned, are just like bar mitzvahs, but with sex in the elevators.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The law school should be razed to the ground and the earth sown with salt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Girls do not actually have \u2013 as was previously believed \u2013 long, spiny wings or small vestigial tails.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Research was found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Campbell:<\/strong> No.  You are on crack.  What I was talking about was the primal need for a figure of supreme evil, which would ride around in a little electric cart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Q: Are you really as grumpy and bitter in real life as you sound in your columns?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A: Yes.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Siskel:<\/strong> Roger, when my people come from the stars to enslave this puny planet, you will serve as food for the Giant Slave Worms of Kodos.  So I give Evil a \u201cThumbs Up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 7. Thou shalt not toast cheese in the Holy Dining Hall toasters, for the cheese drippeth much and is disgusting<\/em>, sayeth the Lord.7<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 You can get a fantastic buzz if you drink after giving blood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 INTERVARSITY CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP RUSH:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 1: Meet Your Maker cookout, 4:30 p.m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 2: Fish and Loaves picnic, 2:00 p.m.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 3: I-Found-the-Lord-and-Lost-my-Talent: Christian Rock Night, 7:00 p.m.*<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 4: Bids extended by the Angel of Death<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 a)Replace current Collegian staff with clever trained seals<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The tombstones served to illustrate ROTC\u2019s recruitment slogan, \u201cWe kill more students before our 8:15 classes than most people kill all day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Q: <\/strong>Who is Dr. Staff?  And why is he listed as teaching so many courses at registration time?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 ENGLISH MAJOR APTITUDE TEST:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Y  N<\/strong>  3. I like \u201cunemployment.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Well, the \u201cgrad school\u201d thing sounds okay, because you could stay and see Dave Matthews every Wednesday night for an additional two or three years.  But there\u2019s always the chance that he\u2019ll get big and move away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 I just quit smoking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 April 19: The fifth and final \u201cPray for Revival\u201d campaign ends in disaster as the dead come alive again and walk the earth as zombies preying on the living.  Former Chancellor Boatwright is seen in the library, eating Lexis\/Nexis terminals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sep. 7: As a publicity stunt, the members of campus band \u201c9 Divine\u201d kill themselves onstage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 CORRECTIONS: Last week\u2019s column may have perhaps been a little misleading.  Okay, I lied like the dog I am.  Deal with it. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 The next morning, rushees are given an envelope which contains either engraved fancy official bid(s) or an engraved fancy notice of their new official status as losers and the phone number for CAPS, in case they decide to kill themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 This is my last column.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Ancient History<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. When Lucy and Ethel got the job at the chocolate factory, they got in trouble because<\/p>\n\n\n\n

a.<\/em> it\u2019s just kooky how things work out like that   b.<\/em> Ethel was distributing Communist propaganda on her lunch break   c.<\/em> Lucy was stoned off her ass<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Must change UR Alma Mater to \u201cWe Will Rock You\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 This is really my last column.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 As we did not receive a response within 24 hours (I checked my machine), we are now in a life-and-death struggle with the tyrannical Canadian Empire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 \u201cGreetings, you, Senator.  I am the Arch-villain \u2018Frogface.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 male cheerleaders<\/strong>: n.<\/em> Sissy boys.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Student government presidents should be used for doorstops or paperweights<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 All those \u201ccities\u201d that are supposed to be there are actually just one farm house with this guy named \u201cGary\u201d or \u201cIndianapolis\u201d sitting on the front porch and shucking corn with his one good tooth.  I\u2019m not kidding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 A:<\/strong> Nein!<\/em>  We are certainly not using giant mind-controlled squid\u2122 to develop newer and more virulent Pier Value Meals\u21225!  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 num-chuks<\/strong> (nim’ chek): 1.<\/strong>n.<\/em> A terrifying Japanese weapon of death 2.<\/strong>n.<\/em> A terrifying American columnist of Fiat Currency<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 \u201cThe Surgeon General has determined that if you\u2019re going to smoke these, you can kiss your ass goodbye right now\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, I guess I didn\u2019t learn much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, I did<\/em>.  I got to be a class clown and try to make everybody laugh.  Sometimes it worked.  Sometimes it didn\u2019t.  But it was always fun to try.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you read my columns, thank you.  If you read my columns and didn\u2019t try to sue me, thank you even more.  If you were one of those who wrote to me or just said, \u201cgood job,\u201d then you were the reason I did this.  Thanks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To every one of the funny people I got to work with \u2013 even Shepard and Caputo \u2013 thanks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This newspaper has been a big part of my life here.  I\u2019m sorry to go.  But maybe we\u2019ll all meet once more, somewhere down the road.  You\u2019ll see me again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is my last bow.  It was all worth it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why?  Because we here at The Collegian prided ourselves on being responsive to our readers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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