By Jeffrey Carl
It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!
Editor’s Note:Okay, we’ll get to the point. This column is really starting to get weird. We don’t know what he’s talking about, and if we did we certainly wouldn’t agree with it. Nonetheless, it remains property of The Collegian and may not be reprinted except for academic use or karaoke recitation without the express written consent of The Collegian and Major League Baseball.
We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers. And so we thought we’d take a few moments to dip into our mailbag and answer the most-frequently asked questions from students about the University of Richmond.
Q:Who is Dr. Staff? And why is he listed as teaching so many courses at registration time?
A:Professor Staff is not only one of the busiest faculty members at the University, but is also one of its most colorful instructors. He is easily recognized by his rainbow wig, bright green teeth, and prehensile tail. He can often be glimpsed around campus, running naked and screaming “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” or during his office hours in the new Fine Arts Building.
Q:What do sororities do?
A:Sororities exist to provide college women friendship, comraderie, leadership opportunities, moral upbuilding, door decorations, lots of cute sweatshirts with each sorority’s particular phallic symbol, and the right to go to sorority formals, which are just like bar mitzvahs, but with sex in the elevators.
Q:What were all those tombstones on Boatwright Beach last month about?
A:Those were part of a ROTC recruitment drive. The tombstones served to illustrate ROTC’s recruitment slogan, “We kill more students before our 8:15 classes than most people kill all day.”
Q:How did the Tyler Haynes Commons get its name?
A:Tyler Haynes was a trustee of the University and a medieval feudal lord. He was renowned through England as “Tyler the Heinous,” for his habit of decapitating serfs, one just for snoring too loud. In 1286, he embarked on one of the last Crusades but was waylaid by Saracen Turks and got really, really lost. Arriving in Virginia across the Asian Land Bridge over 20 years later, his name was mistranslated by local indians as “Tile Harebrains.” Later, after he left the University the large fortune he had accumulated by scalping Richmond Renegades tickets, the school gave his name to the building used by the people he so charitably described as “Commoners.”
Q:Why do all the guys put their fraternity letters and/or crest on their door?
A:This is a practice dating back to biblical times, when Moses instructed the Hebrews to paint their doors with lambs’ blood so that their first-born sons would be spared from the plague that struck the rest of Egypt. Nowadays, the practice is kept up in hopes that if the Apocalypse is tomorrow (or at least some time during the semester) that the Angel of Death will turn out to have been a fraternity brother of theirs and they will be spared.
Q:What can I do with my SpiderCard?
A:SpiderCards can be used to buy supplies at the bookstore, extra food at the Pier, or semiautomatic weapons at Wal-Marts across the country. Your SpiderCard can also be used to get into bars, initiation into the Freemasons, for free admission to monster truck shows, or to declare war on foreign nations without an act of Congress.
Q:Where do babies come from?
A:Aisle 7 in Hechinger’s Hardware. They are $34.95 before the rebate.
Q:I’m very dissatisfied about something here at the University. How can I change things?
A:Well, the simplest and most obvious method to correct the problem is to transfer. But, if your parents won’t let you, there are other avenues you can pursue.
First, try writing an indignant letter to The Collegian. That always seems to effect rapid social change. If you can’t write Clever Letters To The Editor, take a step down and be a columnist! Write incisive, thought-provoking expositions about oral sex. Write long-winded, obtuse diatribes about vital matters of the day, like grits. Or just be unreadable, so people skip your column altogether and go straight to the Police Bulletin on page 13.
If none of these ideas strike your fancy, try simple terrorism. On a personal level, you can deliver ultimatums to your roommate, like “If you leave the CD player on one more time, I’ll have your ass in a fondue pot.” Or try institutional terrorism, leaving notes in the D-Hall like, “Until you bring back Rib-B-Que, we will bend all our silverware at every meal.*”
My, that was fun! Unfortunately, we don’t have any more letters in our mailbox this week. But what the hell, let’s just reach over into Counseling And Psychological Services’ mailbox here and take some of their mail and answer it.
Q:My boyfriend of five years just broke up with me and left me for a man. I feel like killing myself! What should I do? Signed, Lovelorn in Lora Robins
A:Go right ahead. But either call The Collegian first so they can get photos before the cops arrive, or be sure to do it in some exciting manner, like driving a truck filled with dynamite into the Pier.
I can tell by the clock on the wall that we’re out of space for this week. Fortunately, we’ll be back again next week answering more of the questions that you spend sleepless nights wondering about. Please send your questions, comments, embarrassing photos of faculty members, or old “ABBA” records to:
Correspondence, Advice, and Love Letters
The Coal Lesion
Tile Harebrains Commons, 13th Floor
University of Richmond, C.S.A. 90210
*Somebody really did this. And it worked. I’m not kidding.