By Jeffrey Carl
It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!
Editor’s Note: It’s not our column. We weren’t there. Nobody saw us. You can’t prove anything.
We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers. Hahahahahaha.
Certain aspects of life should be taken very seriously. Long lines at The Pier, congressional subpoenas and large bleeding head wounds should all be taken seriously. On the other hand, it’s very important to know what aspects of life not to take all-that-terribly seriously. For example: violence on television, threats from the IFC and anything connected to the student government.
Do you remember the real power brokers in your high school? The ones who cut deals with the administration and lived secret lives of perks and privileges undreamed of by the other students? The people who were on both the Mural Committee and the Prom Refreshments Committee at the same time?
Well, it turns out that we all may have been living a lie. There have been some studies done, and it has only recently been discovered that people in student governments don’t actually do anything important.
Some people may disagree with this. In fact, I had an argument with my Significant Other recently about whether or not our SGA did anything. An incurable optimist, Jenny is firmly convinced that the representative form of government works, even though neither of the suggestions she made about putting coffee straws in The Pier has been adopted. I, however, am significantly more nasty, bitter and cynical.
This is certainly not a criticism born out of jealousy or envy; all that journalists really want out of life is Truth, Justice and a case of Wild Turkey. But we have to ask, what does the Richmond or Westhampton College Student Government Association really do?
I mean, what have they done for me lately? Have they: (circle yes or no)
Y N Moved really cute girls into my hall?
Y N Cancelled my 2:40 MWF Russian class?
Y N Lowered the price of beer?
Nope. Then as far as I’m concerned, they ain’t done nuthin’.
But what can the Richmond College SGA President really do? It’s not like they have a real position of power and influence, like being one of the two Collegian assistant news editors. They should get to do real cool stuff. For example, it would be really cool if the RCSGA President got:
• Ability to telepathically communicate with the ducks
• Ability to haze Richmond College Dean Richard Mateer
• Power to dispatch U.S. troops without consulting Congress
• Special president’s 5 percent discount on kegs at Rite-Aid
• Wise, singing cricket with top hat to sit on shoulder and serve as conscience
• Magic wand that gives 4.0 GPAs
• Cape and costume and cool name like “RCSGA President Man,” and super ability to call on campus dogs to fight crime
• Power to create special Collegian Swimsuit Edition
• Right to two entrees at once in D-Hall
I mean, that would be cool.
What about the issues? Are people taking them to heart and engaging in lively debate on them? The most incisive criticism I heard about anybody’s platform and political ideology was, “This guy’s a tool.”
There seem to be a few frightening similarities between the platforms of everyone who ran for the senates/presidencies/assorted positions of moderate responsibility. Oddly enough, they all seem to:
• Be for things which are good
• Be firmly against things which are not good
• Vigorously support several things
• Fight against several other things
• Hang around the house Friday night, waiting for students to drop by with suggestions and comments
Now this is all well and good, but I’m personally looking for a candidate who will do cool stuff like:
• Get Aerosmith Girl to come here
• Promise $5 for everybody who voted for them
• Claim that they aren’t the president, it’s their little mannequin pal “Mr. Kooky” who’s running things
• Create a special Collegian Columnist bar tab at Soble’s
• Change all CAB Karaoke Nights to Lambada Nights.
• Promise to, if elected, run around campus naked, screaming “I’m going to Disneyland!”
To be fair, there are occasionally worthwhile things done by a student government, through no fault of their own. But my point is that they aren’t so much good or bad, as really not that big a deal.
Also I promised to embarrass my friend Mom by endorsing her. So thank those people who have been good enough to throw their hat in the ring so the rest of us can make fun of them.
Well, it seems that we’re out of space, so please send comments and small ticking packages to:
LaRouche/Steinbrenner in ‘96 Headquarters
c/o The Collegian
Tile Harebrains Commons, 13th Floor
University of Alberta, 8675309