By The Dead Editors’ Society (Jeffrey Carl, Paul Caputo and Scott Shepard)
An elite strike team formed of current and former Collegian Op-Ed section editors, the “Dead Editors’ Society” columns were my favorite things to write in college. Under the cover of multiple authorship, it also gave us cover to express all of the most maliciously funny snide comments that we had, since we could always blame each other if someone cornered us about the nasty things we’d said. I’d also like to note up front that all of the lines referencing Nazis were by Scott Shepard. If you didn’t go to the University of Richmond during that time frame, most of the jokes will seem riotously unfunny to you. Actually, they’ll probably seem riotously unfunny even if you did go there. Anyway, these were a lot of fun to do.
Mr. Carl — Minister of Propaganda
Mr. Caputo — Grand Poobah
Mr. Shepard — Chancellor
You may have noticed that it is cold outside. We here at The Collegian blame the administration for this travesty entirely. Consequently, the elite Columnist Commando Strike Team has now seized control of this old school and placed it in the Iron Grasp of the Old School columnists.
That’s right, we staged a coup (pronounced coop, like Roop).
As a further consequence, the administration of this University now lies in the hands of the First Triumvirate: Chancellor Scott Shepard, Grand Poobah Paul Caputo and Minister of Propaganda Jeffrey Carl. Suck it up.
Do not attempt to adjust your newspaper. We are in control.
This is not to say that our new administration will not be a benevolent, fair and happy one after we are finished killing everyone we don’t like. But there are going to be a few changes around here. So listen up, Pretzel Boy.
We are The Man, and we are putting you down.
• You know what the old saying: “Good fences make good neighbors.” But that has nothing to do with this. The saying we were talking about is “You have to raze it to the ground before you can build it up again.” We think that’s a horrible expression. Nonetheless, in that spirit, let the razing begin.
The following people will report to The Collegian office by 8 a.m. Friday morning to turn in all of their keys, official papers, copy cards and organ donation specifications: The Ticket Lady, who will be available for flaying, for a small fee; Flagboy, who will carry a Guatemalan flag so no one will identify him with UR; Len Goldberg, enough said; Jim Marshall, who has called for his last run up the middle; all sorority spirit chairs for a massive program of adrenalin suppression and Ritalin dependency.
The Pep Band, if we still have one, will report to The Collegian office with a new school song based on the tune of “Suck It,” by Buttsteak.
The following activities have been forbidden on pain of death by jogging: Using the word “Psych” for any reason other than naming your major; applying to the Jepson School; sheltering Max Vest from the execution committees; writing up a good party; running up the middle; and being in “9 Divine.”
All University ties to the Baptists will be severed. The new campus religion to which everyone will adhere is The Force, as in, “Use The Force, Flagboy.”
• Never fear that our new administration will ignore the pressing need for a new social space and the even more pressing need for a name for that social space. Here is the NEW list of choices for the social space’s name:
• Jepson’s Place
• That Phunky Phat Crib
• The Chuck Wagon
• Awful Alison’s (no happy hours allowed)
• Curly, Moe and Beer Shemp
• The Scraggly Old Campus Dog Memorial Social Space
• The Social Space That Doesn’t Have a Name
• But the NEW administration realizes that there is a need for more than one social space. So we have decided to turn the basement of Jepson Hall, which will be renamed the Caputo School of Followership Studies, into a food court. The food court will include Taco Bell, Denny’s, one of those frilly bagel places, a Waffle House or two and the Tobacco Company, which will be complimentary to all members of the new adminstration and their dates.
• The Dining Hall, which will be renamed as the Sieg Heil-man Pebbles Dining Center, will undergo serious changes, and we’re not just talking about spiking the Garden Burgers with lard. All students will be issued a new ID, stamped with either a “J,” for Jock, an “F/SC,” for Fratboy/Sorority Chick or a “L,” for independent. Upon entering the dining area, which will still be called the dining area, students will be required to present their IDs to the official DHKGB, the Dining Hall Police. You will sit in the appropriate section, and you know what we mean, or be eliminated.
Watch your ass, Compton.
Also, Pebbles will be named as the Secretary for Fried or Baked Chicken under the new administration. And there will be no more of this “Stir Fry” garbage. Ever.
• The shake-ups will not, however, end at the D-Hall door. Oh, no no no no. Campus organizations should prepare for imminent transformation.
ROTC and the Lambda Coalition shall be merged. Forget “don’t ask don’t tell”; the new policy is “you don’t even need to ask.” The uniforms will be changed from deciduous-forest camouflage to night-at-the-ballet camouflage.
VAC and Virginia Cool members shall be shipped off to Namibia, where they can do all of the “community service” that they could ever have wished for, and where they will be too far away to nag the rest of us.
Bacchus will purchase six kegs of “Night Train” a week to support campus-wide vomit-fests and “English Nite” parties (all the fun is driving on the wrong side of the road) on the intramural fields.
Community Through Diversity will still do nothing but sell T-shirts.
All of the various and sundry honor societies across campus will be merged into one, will hold one group meeting (which no one will attend), and will vote to dissolve themselves permanently. As a special evil dissolution clause for science people, the members of Beta Beta Beta will either be forced to join Delta Delta Delta or be dissolved in vats of their own acids.
• Because all of the members of the new ruling Journalism Junta (pronounced Hoornaleesm Hoonta) are liberal arts majors and suffer from serious inferiority complexes about their utter inability to get jobs after graduation that include paychecks, some changes will be made to ensure that misery has company.
Henceforth, all accounting and finance classes will be taught only in Senegalese. What? No business students know any foreign languages? Tough, Pretzel Boy. You’ll just have to get by as best you can. Moreover, all science students will be required to answer all test questions and write all lab reports in iambic pentameter. All work not perfectly following that aesthetic form — and managing to draw wistful allusions to Shakespeare’s drinking problem in later life — will receive a grade of “F.” Students who continue to attend the business school — which will be renamed the Dalcon Shield School of Business Management — will be required to wear green eyeshades. Students who continue to take more than one class per semester in the Gottlieb Science Building will have pocket protector tatoos imprinted on their chests. Computer science majors — yes, both of them — will be forced to fix my computer every time it gives one of those cryptic error messages like “Sorry! Mac not feeling like it today! [-0376].” Looters and Law School students will be shot.
• To redress some of the most fundamental grievances about University of Richmond, some new mandatory classes will be added to the curriculum. IDCC has been changed to IDGC — the Interdisciplinary Golf Course. All students will be required to take at least two semesters and will be graded on their handicaps. All current IDCC professors will serve as caddies.
• The University of Richmond will, as befits its new ambitions, pursue not only new internal policies but will develop foreign policies as well. As of now, the University of Richmond has declared war on Croatia. Also, while the United States as a whole has generally maintained good relations with the secluded island nation of Rhode Island, their ambassadors will be expelled. Lichtenstein is next on our hit list.
• Against the objections of one of the Triumvirate members, we have decided on a plan to further demoralize independent students, The Collegian will now refer to each student mentioned in any of its articles by name, then Greek organization. For example:
The column was written by Jeffrey Carl (KA); Scott Shepard (KA); and Paul Caputo (Nothing).
• There will definitely be changes in the way sporting events happen around here.
First, the football team will, from here on out, be replaced on a weekly basis with the intramural team that has the best record in Hardyball. During the games, the Pep Band will play songs it thinks are funny, such as “Glory, Glory Hallelujah,” when UR gets a first down, or “Wipeout,” when the team tries to run the ball up the middle and gets tackled for a loss.
Every frat guy who shows up at the game wearing a tie will be taken into custody and forced to eat it.
As far as basketball goes, Kass Weaver will become the team’s player/manager and Bill Dooley will serve as his waterboy.
At basketball games, the cheerleaders, especially Flagboy, will sit down during free throws so that the fans can actually see what’s going on. Also, for the last 10 minutes of each game, a different Spiderette will be selected to point guard the team. Adam Ward will choose the Spiderette.
• The University of Richmond, like any other sovereign body, needs the trappings of officiality to preserve its integrity and make it seem cool. Accordingly, all of the school’s official symbols are being changed except for the “Purina Dog Chow” logo, which will be used exclusively in connection with the Dining Hall.
• Official Alma Mater: “We Will Rock You,” by Queen
• Official Sports Mascot: that little wiener dog that walks around the lake
• State Bird: the dead mutant duck that used to live here
• Official Motto: Roop: Nolo Es, or, loosely translated, “Time to make the donuts.”
• Admissions standards are going to be a bit different now, thank you. First and foremost will be the Aerosmith Girl Scholarship Endowment (if you know what I mean) fund to pay for really hot girls to come here. All guys admitted to the college must be uglier than Messrs. Caputo, Carl or Shepard, which will narrow down the field quite a bit and allow for a Richmond College class of between eight and ten students per year. This will free the Richmond-side dormitories for use as enormous Laser Tag arenas and harem space.
Also, all prospective students must sign a new honor code whereby they pledge never to say “Buh-bye” unless they plan to get pummeled.
All newcomers must also have seen the entire Star Wars trilogy (see “religions” in column one).
Watch the skies! Beware! Our reign of terror and stuff like that has only begun. For years now we have bitched and bitched about stuff on campus and now, Pretzel Boy, we’re actually gonna do it.
Do not think, however, that you, John or Jane Q. Public, do not have an important say in the new regime: simply send in a letter with your suggestions to The Collegian office and we will take a good hard look at your ideas and laugh at them and laugh at you and then probably try to come and kill you anyway. That’s because we here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.