The Gospels According to Richmond (Condensed)

By The Dead Editors’ Society (Jeffrey Carl, Paul Caputo and Scott Shepard)

University of Richmond Collegian, December 1 1994

As our Christmas 1994 gift to the students, we decided to piss off everyone on campus who was even vaguely religious. I think we also broke the world record for number of “inside jokes” per column inch of text. That was also a lot of fun. In the original version, we had spent an inordinate amount of time in Quark XPress 3.2 futzing around with the typography to do ostensibly funny things with the superscript verse numbers appearing at the end of each line of text to give it the appearance of being King James Bible verse citations. I have declined to invest the effort to recreate these typographical flourishes here because 1.) WordPress can’t; 2.) it’s time consuming and 3.) I doubt anyone but the original authors will ever end up reading this again and frankly I’m not sure about Shepard. So all those numbers and symbols at the end of lines that look like typos? Just assume they were funny once.

Mr. Shepard starring as John Calvin 

Mr. Carl as Cardinal Richlieu

Mr. Caputo appearing as St. Hubbins

Editor’s Note: To all those who were going to write in to inform the writers that they’re going to Hell, don’t bother. We’ve all got front-row seats waiting, and we’ll be saving a deck chair for you. Happy holidays!

Genesis 1:1 – 3:30 p.m.

In the beginning, God created the Commons and X-Lot.1 And it was good. And then the Lord said, “Let there be Lite Beer,” and there was, and God thought it was kinda okay but mainly just for chicks to drink.2 And then, marginally dissatisfied, He said “Let there be Light.”3 

And there was still really nothing, but at least now you could see it.4 And then He created the beasts of the field the fish of the waters and the mutant duck of the Lake. And, lo, they were also pretty good, I guess.8 Eventually God was sorry for having created the little black duck that walkedeth about the lake, so he killed it, which is why you don’t see it walking around anymore.5 Anyway, you can’t win ’em all.9

And then the Lord created Man in His own image, for, verily, Image is Everything, as sayeth the Lambda Chis.12

And then eventually Man noticed that he had an extra part that didn’t seem to have any use but made him feel all tingly when he climbdeth up the rope in gym class, and he complained unto God and thus did the Lord say unto him:

“Let there be Westhampsters.”69

And suddenly Man had one less rib, but another bone to replace it because directly before him stood Woman. And the Lord sayeth, “Well this should at least be interesting.”843

Man and Westhampster wenteth to The Row, for lack of anything better to do, for the movie in the Pier suckethed llama balls, again.63

For the Westhampster was tempted by the Devil, who assumed the pleasant form of Pebbles (who turned out to be the evil leaper, whom only Sam could see), Lord’s note: Know thee that his blasphemer Caputo watcheth too much “Quantum Leap” on the USA Network and convinced her to eat of the forbidden fruit of the “lite” salad bar in the D-Hall.2

Westhampster ate of the salad bar, but only bits of celery and carrots, steering far clear of fattening Bac-O’bits.12.5

Exodus 4:12 – 6:11 ratio

And Moses Mateer descended from the mountain, bearing a stone tablet , with the following inscription:”All right, everybody out of the pool!” And yea, the people were confused, so he returned to the mountain for further instruction. He came back with the Ten Commandments for the people. And the laws were:

1. Thou shalt not believe anything thou readeth in The Col-le’gian.1

2. Thou shalt not covet either thy neighbour’s keg or his girlfriend, unless thou shalt have drank thine own keg and be beer-goggling.2

3. Thou shalt have no other gods before me, for I am a jealous God and I have self-esteem problems that I’m going to CAPS for plus that bulimia thing, and you never call me anymore and I think you’re breaking up with me and do these shorts make me look like I have a fat butt?3

4. Honor thy father and mother and thy brothers and sisters but don’t worry about the pledges. They deserve everything that’s comin’ to ‘em, verily.4

5. Verily, verily, verily, verily, life is but a dream!5

6. Anyone caught who maketh fun of the Bible (for they thinketh that they are funny) will be fined and given a stern talking-to.6

7. Thou shalt not toast cheese in the Holy Dining Hall toasters, for the cheese drippeth much and is disgusting, sayeth the Lord.7

8. Thou shalt not covet a second entree. Nor shalt thou get one entree and then put thine tray down by the salad bar and get back in line. People starveth in Rho’de Is-land’, who would be happy to have that Senate Bean soup, you little whippersnappers.8

9. Thou shalt not treat yield signs like stop signs. If you stop at a yield sign when no car is coming the other direction, people will crash into you and you will dieth, so cometh not crying to me about your little problems. And don’t think I won’t send you straight to Hell, just like if you were run over by a Yugo.9

And the number ten reason not to disobey God is — Paul, drum roll please…

10. Thou shalt use the Force, Luke.

The Book of Freddie Mercury

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me.79

For meeeeeee! (the guitar soloeth here)

Job, 7:29 (Lap time)

And the Lord said unto Satan, “whence comest thou?”11

The Ticket Lady said unto the Lord, from going to and fro in the Earth, and walking up and down in it like a big ol’ game of “Chutes and Ladders.”44 

And the Lord said unto the Ticket Beast, “Hast thou considered my servant Todd Flora? Ha ha ha, nay, just kidding. Imean, hast thou considered my servant Job? A perfect and upright man, that feareth God and escheweth up and espitteth out Evil (“Thumbs Up,” page 9)?”Ã3

Yea, and the Lord did shine the light of Heaven down upon a small freshman — who was temporarily blinded by the light and promptly wrecked his car, driving wildly even into the Lake of Westhampton, which has since become holy because of it — and the freshman was named Job.5% apr “He is in thine hand, o Ticket Wench,” the Lord sayeth, “and still shall he love me and dwell in the Golden Spider Web.”

The Beast beateth not about the bush.55 mph Verily he made the freshman decide to major in accounting and biology on the pre-med track.3 Then moved he to give the Freshman an English professor for IDCC.2 Job wept, and called to God for relief, but the Lord respondeth not, for the Lord checkedeth not his Au-dix’ very often.83 Then the Beast did make Mononucleosis grow within the body of Job, and Job could drink no beer.6 The Beast scheduled Rush for the whole month of No-vem’ber, when Job’s — and everyone else’s — workload was heaviest, but Job did strive and Rush and work and sleepeth he did not.9 

“Damn,” sayeth the Beast. And the Beast went to the Lord and said “O Lord, he cannot be destroyed. I surrender unto you the men of this valley. And bite me.” And the Lord did rejoice, and he called to Job, and explained that it had been a joke — you know, funny ha-ha, and removed the mono, and made Job a sociology major and returned Rush to the first ten days of November, where it had worked so well before.1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me And Job did glare at the Lord and did raise unto him the sacred finger of middle position, and did raise it, and flippedeth he Him the bird, and transferredeth Job unto Sou-thern’ Me’tho-dist U-ni-ver’si-ty, in the land of the people of the Red-necks’.

The Gospel of Luke Skywalker 3:9 – 3:42, mountain time zone

And the Angel of the IFC spoke to them, saying “Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all men. For unto you is born this day, in the City of David a Savior, which is Alison Bartel the Lord.”3,487 And verily did the people thereupon stone the Angel and dump their beers on him.™

The Revelations of St. Liz the Phair 36:24:36

And the signs of the Apocalypse were seven of number, whereupon the scroll would be opened and much ass would be whipped.99 And the signs of the coming of the Beast were:

The Beast would be only $7.99 per case at Standard … 

Whoops, wrong Beast. Never thou mindeth.  Ahem. The signs were:

First: The wussy one, of the many nose jobs, (Mi-chael’ Jack-son) and the daughter of the King (we meaneth Lisa Marie Presley) would smoocheth in public on the MTV Video Music Awards, and verily it would be disgusting.6

Second: There would be MTV at all, and it would play ‘round the clock videos of he who sucketh completely (Tom’ Jo-nes) and occasionally They That Sucketh Not, which would be cool, huh-huh, huh-huh, verily.66

Third: The great rains would pour from the Heavens, then clear up in the afternoon, with a high of 65, and partly cloudy skies forecast for tomorrow with a 35 percent chance of raining, flaming death falling from the skies.666

Fourth: Thy anointed leader, though his name soundeth verily like some sort of fungal infection of the naughty bits (Newt Gin-grich’), would become Speaker of the House.23 Also, he would get pizza for his dinner, yum-yum.

Fifth: The shining palace on the hill where lives the harlot of Babylon, the Evil Lord who selleth Fried Chicken and nice fresh vegetables (U-krop’), shall beckon unto ye and ye shall go and get the Potato Wedges and some Cole Slaw.$1.25 

Sixth: When Richmond wins a basketball game, checketh thou the Weather Channel because thou then knowest that Hell hath frozen over.0

Seventh: And the rulers shall convene and so shall they join to erect amongst ye a place of festival and mirth, and so shall they act even as to name it after the loam in which dwells amongst the icky creatures and the dirty laundry: The Cel-lar’ but it shall be misnamed, for it shall rise above the ground.#9 And lo, it shall open and the nectar shall be sold for $21 per bottle and the managers shall deny the nectar to the young and infirm and so shall this new place suck.1.21 gigawatts 

And so was loosed upon the world the Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse. The first horseman was Famine, and he smote the chicken sandwich and bacon and thus made them separate entrées so that the people did starve.007 The second horseman was Pestilence, he that giveth head colds and just general icky feelings on rainy days. The third horseman was War, and he immediately smoteth all the ROTCstudents so that everyone might actually sleep in in the morning undisturbed.76 (trombones led the big parade)

And then was loosed the Fourth Rider, in a pale uniform: and he was Flagboy.867-5309 He turned to the fans and screamethed something that soundedeth an awful lot like a moose in heat.

AAAAAAoooooGAH!13

The horsemen spread disease and destruction throughout the land, and still could not getteth their picture in the yearbook.55 Eventually, they halted their mayhem, and tooketh up the more evil practice of University administration.

… And from the fire there rose the Anti-Roop, the destroyer of all things good, who smiteth all things cute and furry. And the Beast laid waste to the lands of Ash-ke’toth, and Mog’da-zur and Kel-ler Hall’, and the Beast did ride about in a little electric cart and give out tickets.8

But the Ticket Beast did take a nasty bump on the noggin,42 and go to the Health Center where it was diagnosed by the old nurse of great crankiness that it was, verily, syphillis, consumption and the Clap.? 

So the Beast was cast down into the fiery pits of Ko-do-gorm’ and boy did it sucketh greatly.3

Thus did it endeth happily and such.2 And at last sayeth the Lord, “Look out for the return of Roop, the Anointed One.1 Watch the skies! For surely he is coming soon.”the end

Coming Soon:

The U of R Good News Bible, available in finer overpriced bookstores.

At the Movies

By Jeffrey Carl and Paul Caputo

University of Richmond Collegian, December 1 1994

This was a “Siskel & Ebert” column. I think we both wrote each other’s part, although I remember Paul came up with “Awww puddin'” bit and I wrote that “Raising Arizona” was the greatest movie ever. Not that this likely makes things any funnier, but the “Ticket Lady” was the University of Richmond’s none too beloved parking enforcement cop, Corrie Spiegel was our boss at the newspaper and “Freedom Betrayed” was a serious and dogmatically libertarian Collegian column written by our colleague Mike Nimchek. I’m sure this is totally hilarious now that you know that.

with Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert

Gene and I have had some time on our hands, if you know what I mean, and we’ve gotten to reviewing everything we can get our hands on, if you catch my drift. Instead of presenting you with the list of new euphemisms for sex we’ve been working on (thumbs up to “Quarter Pounder at the Golden Arches” and “Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln”), we’ve decided to give you our most recent observations about movies, the universe and everything.

Gene Siskel & Roger Ebert
Jeff and Paul

“STAR TREK: GENERATIONS”:

EBERT: I’m the fat guy, right?

SISKEL: Fatter than Roseanne in a bikini.

EBERT: Gene, I fear change. I like knowing that I can go to the movie theater and see the same plot that I have come to know and love from the past six movies. I enjoyed the way the Star Trek geniuses took new characters and still did not change the plot at all.

SISKEL: But if you look at all this in a neo-deconstructivist way, you can see that all the things blowing up are cool. And anytime William Shatner dies — I was always secretly hoping it would happen on “T. J. Hooker” — it’s cool with me. I give it a “Thumb Up.”

EBERT: I give it a “Thumb at About 70 Degrees Clockwise.”

“SPEED”:

EBERT: OK, look. If a bus drives off the edge of a cliff, it’s not going to go UP in the air.

SISKEL: Right. When Keanu “What was my line again” Reeves drove that bus off the edge of an unfinished bridge, it should have crashed into the other side where the road picked up again and everybody should have died.

EBERT: Movie over.

SISKEL: Bus go bye-bye.

“THE JERK”:

EBERT: Easily the best movie ever. Hands down. Anyone says otherwise, I’ll kick his ever-loving ass.

SISKEL: Kick away, Non-Fat-Free Pretzel Boy. “Raising Arizona” was the finest film ever created, and anyone who says otherwise, well — when the Revolution comes, THEY WILL NOT BE SPARED. But I still give it a big ‘ol “Thumbs Up.”

EBERT: I give it a “Thumbs Up and Sucking on It.”

JIM CARREY:

EBERT: If you look at his work from a purely cinematic and technical point, he’s not exactly the greatest. But if you look at it from just a gut-level, fun-loving reaction … Well, he can just pretty much still lick my ass. I say “Thumbs Down and Pressing the Button of an Atomic Rocket Launcher to Kill Him.”

SISKEL: Oh, sure, fat-ass, you can say that because you’ve never been in a movie. I’d like to see Jim Carrey do a review of you. THAT would be funny. He’d put on one of little faces and he’d imitate you. He’d jump up and down and wiggle his fake fat butt and I’d laugh and laugh and laugh, until I couldn’t breathe, just thinking of Jim Carrey making fun of you. And maybe he’d put on a bikini, like he was making fun of Roseanne and you AT THE SAME TIME. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I give Jim Carrey the “Cool, Suave Peace Sign.”

EDITOR/SUPERMODEL CORRIE SPIEGEL:

EBERT: I understand that evil WDCE General Manager James O. Bryant won a no-expenses paid dream date with Corrie by being the only person to enter his name in a Collegian contest. I also understand that she refuses to go on it. I give Corrie a “Thumbs Up,” but only if she’s in a little French maid outfit.

SISKEL: Have you ever seen her in The Collegian swimsuit calendar? My goodness! I give her a “Wink and a Nudge.”

THE TICKET LADY AND HER NEW PARTNER TICKET BOY:

SISKEL: I think they’re cute together.

EBERT: What if they started a family of ticket people.

SISKEL: Awww puddin’.

EBERT: Anyway, we hate the both of them.

SISKEL: Yup. I say we follow them around and mark their tires with chalk whenever they stop to give other people tickets.

EBERT: We give the lovely ticket couple “The Finger” and $10 fines for spending too much time in our column.

RAIN:

SISKEL: OK, look. I have a serious problem with all this rain. The University of Richmond has somehow figured out a way to funnel all of the water that comes near campus directly to enormous puddles on either side of the commons. For its dealings with the rain, I give the University a “Hard Boot to the Head.”

EBERT: I like the rain. I think it’s romantic. I like the way the flower petals glisten in the moonlight after a daylong drizzle. It’s like God is tinkling on everybody. To think He cares. I give the rain a “Girly Wistful Sigh.”

EVIL:

SISKEL: I like evil. It’s got moxie! It’s got a funky beat, and I can really bug out to it.

EBERT: Gene, you couldn’t be dumber. I mean, I’ve seen dumb before – my dog, he was dumb, you could throw his squeegy toy onto the newly-waxed kitchen floor and he would go running after it, four legs flailing helplessly as he skidded on his nose and crashed into the stove. That was dumb, and funny. But you, Gene, you really take the cake. Obviously, evil is bad. That’s why it’s called EVIL, dumbass. I give evil the old “Thumbs Down.”

SISKEL: Roger, when my people come from the stars to enslave this puny planet, you will serve as food for the Giant Slave Worms of Kodos. So I give Evil a “Thumbs Up.”

“FREEDOM BETRAYED”:

EBERT: Umm …

SISKEL: Uh, yeah. Well, I … thought the … intellectual … renoberization … of Descartes’ second theorem was … it has a cool logo, though.

EBERT: Yeah, the logo …

SISKEL: Let’s be honest, Roger. Damned if I’ve ever finished it. At least with Scott Shepard you could just hate him without having to read it. This Num-Chuks guy … I dunno. “Thumbs Down” all around.

EBERT: Where have you gone, Mike Sampogna, the paper turns its lonely eyes to you. 

SISKEL: Woo woo woo.

THE YEARBOOK:

EBERT: I give the yearbook a big fat thumb up your…

SISKEL: OK, moving right along!

JASON ROOP:

SISKEL: No two ways about it, “Roop, There It Is” — in German, “Roop Macht Frei” — will go down as one of the all-time great RCSGA election battle cries. I give Jason a cheesy A-OK sign.

EBERT: I agree. He’s so pudgy and cute. I give Jason a fat, wet lick on the cheek.

ROOP: Oh, you guys are so wacky!

Ha ha ha, that we are. Happy holidays from the whole gang, all both of us. And don’t try this at home. You never know where your thumb’s been.