By The Dead Editors’ Society (Jeffrey Carl, Paul Caputo and Scott Shepard)
This was our brazen attempt to just plain offend everybody that we hadn’t offended so far. I will now admit that I completely ripped off the “Ring Dance is just like a bar mitzvah but with sex in the elevators” joke form P. J. O’Rourke. On one hand, this was a tremendous amount of fun for three callow young aspiring humorists to write: doing our best to offend university administration officials and skewer our college’s sacred cows in the service of cheap laughs for our fellow students. On the other hand, it features (like much of my college-era writing) a pretty astounding amount of casual misogyny and homophobia, which seemed funny and au courant at the time but is terribly embarrassing in retrospect. All my old stuff is here in unexpurgated form not because I’m proud of it, but because I don’t believe in “Han shot first” revisionism – this is what I wrote and how out of date it now seems is part of its historical value.
Mr. Shepard starring as Noah Webster
Mr. Carl as Daniel Webster
Mr. Caputo appearing as That Little Kid Webster
Welcome to the University of Richmond. Now that the school year is nearly two-thirds done, the members of the Dead Editor’s Society thought that, as a service to the community, we would provide an informative yet pointless compendium of terms peculiar to life here in the Spider Web (also known as Valhalla, Nirvana, and Traffic Court). We hope that this compact yet nutritious guide (please feel free to rip it out and hang it on your wall) will prove useful for you as you progress through the hills and valleys of the little college which even West-enders with flags in their front yards consider pretentious.
aerobics (from Greek æros, or “floppy parts,” and bikos, or “a-jigglin’ like crazy”): 1.n. A bizarre ritual somehow involving spandex and Evian. 2.n. A small furry mammal.
Baptists (Bap’ teests): coll. n. A discredited cult formerly associated with the University.
birth control (ging’ rich): 1.n. The fact that the Safety Shuttle stops running at 2 a.m. 2.adj. see Flagboy
brick (You arrr’ bas ket bawl’) 1.n. A building device that the University of Richmond obviously thinks you can buy like it’s Legos. 2. I mean, come on, now, this stuff is expensive. This is our tuition you’re playing with. 3. Oh, I see, you have enough brick to build an entire leadership school, but you can’t spend 30 extra dollars on concrete to finish the tower on Jepson. 4. You make me sick.
CAB (Kabob’): n. An on-campus organization dedicated to making independents with no friends feel worse than they already do. Members of the group can be seen in the top floor of the Commons painting signs that say things like, “No friends? How ’bout coming to see a weak comedian in The Pier by yourself?”
Caputo, Paul “The Fish” (from the French kaput, or “not,” and püter, or “funny.”): The last remaining specimen of an otherwise extinct species. Should be approached with caution, especially if carrying bacon, working for The Web, or responsible for canceling Quantum Leap.
Carl, Jeff (Weee’ zul): n. After being abandoned by his parents at birth, this esoteric, bitter columnist was raised by a small family of campus dogs. After gaining entrance to UR on a minority short guy scholarship, he was taken in by a bunch of KA pledges and taught how to speak and wear flannel.
Dance, Ring (from Latin ringos, or “daddy” and dancius, or “is drunk”): 1.n. A bizarre mating ritual, pretty much like a bar mitzvah but with sex in the elevators. 2.n. A light chicken gravy.
employment (?) noun, maybe? How the Hell should we know. We’re liberal arts majors. Ask the guys in the damned green eyeshades and Oh, and, can you lend me a few dollars?
e-mail (E! Entertainment):n. It used to be that it took days and even weeks to get a message from one place to another, but now, because of technological advances and because the computers are down again, you can’t get it there at all.
Year Games ERA GPA W-L
’91-2 32 4.11 3.23 0-6
’92-3 4 (strike) 82.33 12 0-35
’93-4 29 Yes No 0-143
’94-5 63 3.14 -6 0-Westhampton
• Named to the John Madden All-Flagboy team three years in a row
• Is result of secret Nazi genetic experiments
flange (flange’): 1.adj. Kind of minty. 2.pron. Anything found in the lake.
GDI (God-damned Independent): 1.n. A seldom-glimpsed, usu. hermitlike species often found in Thomas Hall on Friday nights. 2.n. A rare, infectious disease. see also Caputo
Goldberg, Marquis Leonard de: Former bassist for the Grateful Dead, 1971-75. Later founder of the Leonard Goldberg Soul Explosion.
Harwood, Dame Patricia: Dean of Westhampton College and sixth in line for the British crown. Former world crumpet-spitting champion. Known during her ’60s radical days as “Patty X.”
hook up (lay pipe’): 1.v. Well, it’s like when you get together with somebody who you aren’t involved with but when you would, like, go out with them but you wouldn’t go out with them and you certainly aren’t dating, even though you might be together. 2.vavavoom verb. Ba-ka-chooka-wang, ba-ka-chooka-woo 3.pron. Okay, okay, we have no idea personally (except Paul says he has this girlfriend in Canada but Scott and Jeff don’t believe him) but we’ve heard it’s neat.
The Honor Council (Turn’ coats): 1.n. Oh, right, like they never cheated on anything in high school. 2.n. U. Va. wannabes.
intellectual curiosity (in tel ec’ shul kur EEEE’ os it E): n. A discredited cult formerly associated with the University.
Jepson School of Leadership Studies (Jet’ son): n. A discredited cult formerly associated with the University.
Loch Westhampton (Fes’ ter ing Slime’ Pit): n. Home to Jimmy Hoffa and countless KA pledges who did not quite make the grade, this scenic area been the setting for such Hollywood classics as “On Golden Pond,” “A River Runs Through It” and “The Blob.”
Lord Alison: The fifth Earl of Sussex, British Prime Minister 1934-40; former World Gym-kata champion and Reichskommissar of Austria. see also entry on her cousin Lord Alison Bartles and Jaymes
male cheerleaders: n. Sissy boys.
Mateer, Richard M.D.: Won the 1951 Nobel Prize in biology for his discovery of the infamous Vitamin “F,” which was later revealed to just be 7-Up. Also played Sgt. Deedee McCall on the popular TV show “Hunter” for three seasons.
mulch (durt): n. The store of wealth and medium of exchange at the University. The great explosion of mulch stores in recent years has set off an inflation spiral which has result in $1,000-per-year tuition increases for the past five years. see also Senior Campaign
multiculturalism (exac’ tly like it’s spel’ led) n. An intellectual practice currently in vogue at the University. The most controversial such exercise found Protestants and Catholics coming together for mutual understanding at the Chaplaincy. The event was marked by only sporadic gunfire.
9 Divine (Me nu’ do): 1.n. The artists formerly known as talented. 2.n. A mild cheese sauce.
num-chuks (nim’ chek): 1.n. A terrifying Japansese weapon of death 2.n. A terrifying American columnist of Fiat Currency. see entries under Freedom Betrayed, suicide.
Or Whatever: Or whatever. see Yeah, right.
orientation (Al’ ca TRAZ): 1.n. A yearly event occuring in the third week of every August, participants in orientation have often been known to run screaming from the campus to take up employment with the U.S. Postal Service.
pledge (suc’ ker): see serf
RCSGA (RoopColegSchlafGestapoAufwiedersehn): A secret paramilitary organization suspected of involvement with the Bay of Pigs invasion, the Munich Putsch of 1923, the North nomination of 1994 and the naming of “Edible Bites.” Apparently, they also make cool animals out of tied baloons. see Or Whatever.
Roop, Archwarlock Jason of: Neutral-Chaotic magic user. +20 HP, AC -3. Spells of: “Sleep” (level 3), “Magic Fireball” (level 4), and “Really Cool Breakdancing” (level 9). Can only be killed by magic users level 6 and above, or during a full moon by piercing his heart with an arrow-shaped Gardenburger.
Ryland Hall (Throat wo’ bbler Man’ grove) n. The dual-winged building half-way between the academic quad (see also “What?”) and the Hotel Jeter, Ryland Hall houses the University soup kitchen and the unemployment office.
Senior Campaign (Los Señor Campagnöla) n. see also Napoleon’s Russian Campaign, 1812; Hitler’s Russian Campaign, 1941; and Walter Mondale’s Presidential Campaign, 1984.
sex (ro’ op): 1.n. Nothing to see here. Please keep moving. 2.v. A light chicken gravy.
Shanghai Quartet (Som’ i nex) n. A group of four Oriental musicians which the administration keeps locked in the basement of the FAB, brought out to lull unsuspecting alumni to sleep while the administration steals their credit cards.
Shatner, Sir William: Great Shakespearean actor famed for his roles as Hamlet, Othello, and T.J. Hooker. Why is he in here? Your guess is as good as ours.
Shepard, Reichsmarschall Scott von (Kur’ mit the Fash’ ist Frog): intrans. v. A sinister entity bent upon conquering the world and then making everbody eat grits. see also Burn Todd Flora
social security : n. Joining a fraternity.
T. C. Williams School of Law (La Skool’): 1.n. Formerly a breeding ground for lawyer larvæ until it was fumigated. The vacated building now serves as a new Palestinian Homeland. 2.n. The source of plenty of nasty letters after that last crack.
The Collegian (Køleejeeañ) 1.n. A periodical published weekly on Thursdays, the Collegian has been recognized since the demise of Pravda as the greatest international purveyor of Communist propaganda. 2.n. Home of the colossal 1/2 lb. Spiegelburger and Libel Fries, with all the trimmings, for only $3.99. Offer ends soon.
The Fan (The Fan’): n. The guy who actually showed up for a basketball game this year
The Messenger (from the Greek mesan, or “book of,” and garos, “lame poetry”) n. Reputedly a literary journal, the Messenger provides physical evidence that modernity cannot produce art.
The Octaves (Awk’ tayves): 1.n. A group of eight musical notes 2.n. A group of eight or more musical sissy-boys.
The Row (Da Rîu): n. A picturesque garden district on the border between the City of Richmond and Hell, this area has maintained its antique, Victorian architecture and beauty by use of a barley-and-hops-based fertilization system and by extensive use of chattel labor. see also serfs
The Web (The Web’): n. An elite strike force. Its mission: to defeat the evil forces of Cobra and its ally, Destro. see also entry under lame
Trash violation (Noo’ sance): n. Driving around in a big-ass monster truck, watching NASCAR and spitting Copenhagen at the cat and … oops. Sorry, that’s a white trash violation.
University Players (fuh reeks’): 1.n. A group of people who put on gaudy makeup, dress up in the opposite sex’s clothing and say strange things. They also do plays. 2.n. A zesty cheese sauce.
The Virgin Vault (Lo’ ra Ro’ bins): 1.n. Like a haunted house, a rite of passage for young males to see if they can spend the night there 2.n. A dormitory converted from a small castle that used to serve as Cobra and Destro’s headquarters. see The Web
WCGA: Just like RCSGA, but with paint pens.
Writing Center (Dor’ ks): n. A team of students, most of whom wear Superfriends Underoos, whose idea of humor is telling freshmen to rewrite 15-page papers the night before they’re due.
Zip-eh-dee-doo-dah (Zip’ a de doo dah): n. Zip-eh-dee-day.