The Official University of Richmond Dictionary/Thesaurus/ Encyclopedia and Souvenir Placemat

By The Dead Editors’ Society (Jeffrey Carl, Paul Caputo and Scott Shepard)

University of Richmond Collegian, February 16 1995

This was our brazen attempt to just plain offend everybody that we hadn’t offended so far. I will now admit that I completely ripped off the “Ring Dance is just like a bar mitzvah but with sex in the elevators” joke form P. J. O’Rourke. On one hand, this was a tremendous amount of fun for three callow young aspiring humorists to write: doing our best to offend university administration officials and skewer our college’s sacred cows in the service of cheap laughs for our fellow students. On the other hand, it features (like much of my college-era writing) a pretty astounding amount of casual misogyny and homophobia, which seemed funny and au courant at the time but is terribly embarrassing in retrospect. All my old stuff is here in unexpurgated form not because I’m proud of it, but because I don’t believe in “Han shot first” revisionism – this is what I wrote and how out of date it now seems is part of its historical value.

Mr. Shepard starring as Noah Webster 

Mr. Carl as Daniel Webster

Mr. Caputo appearing as That Little Kid Webster

Welcome to the University of Richmond. Now that the school year is nearly two-thirds done, the members of the Dead Editor’s Society thought that, as a service to the community, we would provide an informative yet pointless compendium of terms peculiar to life here in the Spider Web (also known as Valhalla, Nirvana, and Traffic Court). We hope that this compact yet nutritious guide (please feel free to rip it out and hang it on your wall) will prove useful for you as you progress through the hills and valleys of the little college which even West-enders with flags in their front yards consider pretentious. 

aerobics (from Greek æros, or “floppy parts,” and bikos, or “a-jigglin’ like crazy”): 1.n. A bizarre ritual somehow involving spandex and Evian.  2.n. A small furry mammal. 

Baptists (Bap’ teests): coll. n. A discredited cult formerly associated with the University.

birth control (ging’ rich): 1.n. The fact that the Safety Shuttle stops running at 2 a.m.  2.adj. see Flagboy

brick (You arrr’ bas ket bawl’) 1.n. A building device that the University of Richmond obviously thinks you can buy like it’s Legos.  2. I mean, come on, now, this stuff is expensive. This is our tuition you’re playing with. 3. Oh, I see, you have enough brick to build an entire leadership school, but you can’t spend 30 extra dollars on concrete to finish the tower on Jepson. 4. You make me sick.

CAB (Kabob’): n. An on-campus organization dedicated to making independents with no friends feel worse than they already do. Members of the group can be seen in the top floor of the Commons painting signs that say things like, “No friends? How ’bout coming to see a weak comedian in The Pier by yourself?”

Caputo, Paul “The Fish” (from the French kaput, or “not,” and püter, or “funny.”): The last remaining specimen of an otherwise extinct species. Should be approached with caution, especially if carrying bacon, working for The Web, or responsible for canceling Quantum Leap. 

Carl, Jeff (Weee’ zul): n. After being abandoned by his parents at birth, this esoteric, bitter columnist was raised by a small family of campus dogs. After gaining entrance to UR on a minority short guy scholarship, he was taken in by a bunch of KA pledges and taught how to speak and wear flannel.

Dance, Ring (from Latin ringos, or “daddy” and dancius, or “is drunk”): 1.n. A bizarre mating ritual, pretty much like a bar mitzvah but with sex in the elevators.  2.n. A light chicken gravy. 

employment (?) noun, maybe? How the Hell should we know. We’re liberal arts majors. Ask the guys in the damned green eyeshades and Oh, and, can you lend me a few dollars? 

e-mail (E! Entertainment):n. It used to be that it took days and even weeks to get a message from one place to another, but now, because of technological advances and because the computers are down again, you can’t get it there at all.

Flagboy:

FLAGBOY

Year Games ERA GPA W-L

’91-2 32 4.11 3.23 0-6

’92-3 4 (strike) 82.33 12 0-35

’93-4 29 Yes No 0-143

’94-5 63 3.14 -6 0-Westhampton

• Named to the John Madden All-Flagboy team three years in a row

• Is result of secret Nazi genetic experiments

flange (flange’): 1.adj. Kind of minty.  2.pron. Anything found in the lake.

GDI (God-damned Independent): 1.n. A seldom-glimpsed, usu. hermitlike species often found in Thomas Hall on Friday nights.  2.n. A rare, infectious disease. see also Caputo

Goldberg, Marquis Leonard de: Former bassist for the Grateful Dead, 1971-75. Later founder of the Leonard Goldberg Soul Explosion

Harwood, Dame Patricia: Dean of Westhampton College and sixth in line for the British crown. Former world crumpet-spitting champion. Known during her ’60s radical days as “Patty X.”

hook up (lay pipe’): 1.v. Well, it’s like when you get together with somebody who you aren’t involved with but when you would, like, go out with them but you wouldn’t go out with them and you certainly aren’t dating, even though you might be together.  2.vavavoom verb. Ba-ka-chooka-wang, ba-ka-chooka-woo  3.pron. Okay, okay, we have no idea personally (except Paul says he has this girlfriend in Canada but Scott and Jeff don’t believe him) but we’ve heard it’s neat.

The Honor Council (Turn’ coats): 1.n. Oh, right, like they never cheated on anything in high school. 2.n. U. Va. wannabes.

intellectual curiosity (in tel ec’ shul kur EEEE’ os it E): n. A discredited cult formerly associated with the University.

Jepson School of Leadership Studies (Jet’ son): n. A discredited cult formerly associated with the University.

Loch Westhampton (Fes’ ter ing Slime’ Pit): n. Home to Jimmy Hoffa and countless KA pledges who did not quite make the grade, this scenic area been the setting for such Hollywood classics as “On Golden Pond,” “A River Runs Through It” and “The Blob.”

Lord Alison: The fifth Earl of Sussex, British Prime Minister 1934-40; former World Gym-kata champion and Reichskommissar of Austria. see also entry on her cousin Lord Alison Bartles and Jaymes

male cheerleadersn. Sissy boys. 

Mateer, Richard M.D.: Won the 1951 Nobel Prize in biology for his discovery of the infamous Vitamin “F,” which was later revealed to just be 7-Up. Also played Sgt. Deedee McCall on the popular TV show “Hunter” for three seasons.

mulch (durt): n. The store of wealth and medium of exchange at the University. The great explosion of mulch stores in recent years has set off an inflation spiral which has result in $1,000-per-year tuition increases for the past five years. see also Senior Campaign

multiculturalism (exac’ tly like it’s spel’ led) n. An intellectual practice currently in vogue at the University. The most controversial such exercise found Protestants and Catholics coming together for mutual understanding at the Chaplaincy. The event was marked by only sporadic gunfire. 

9 Divine (Me nu’ do): 1.n. The artists formerly known as talented.  2.n. A mild cheese sauce.

num-chuks (nim’ chek): 1.n. A terrifying Japansese weapon of death 2.n. A terrifying American columnist of Fiat Currency.  see entries under Freedom Betrayedsuicide.

Or Whatever: Or whatever. see Yeah, right.

orientation (Al’ ca TRAZ): 1.n. A yearly event occuring in the third week of every August, participants in orientation have often been known to run screaming from the campus to take up employment with the U.S. Postal Service.

pledge (suc’ ker): see serf

RCSGA (RoopColegSchlafGestapoAufwiedersehn): A secret paramilitary organization suspected of involvement with the Bay of Pigs invasion, the Munich Putsch of 1923, the North nomination of 1994 and the naming of “Edible Bites.” Apparently, they also make cool animals out of tied baloons. see Or Whatever.

Roop, Archwarlock Jason of: Neutral-Chaotic magic user. +20 HP, AC -3. Spells of: “Sleep” (level 3), “Magic Fireball” (level 4), and “Really Cool Breakdancing” (level 9). Can only be killed by magic users level 6 and above, or during a full moon by piercing his heart with an arrow-shaped Gardenburger.

Ryland Hall (Throat wo’ bbler Man’ grove) n. The dual-winged building half-way between the academic quad (see also “What?”) and the Hotel Jeter, Ryland Hall houses the University soup kitchen and the unemployment office.

Senior Campaign (Los Señor Campagnöla) n. see also Napoleon’s Russian Campaign, 1812Hitler’s Russian Campaign, 1941; and Walter Mondale’s Presidential Campaign, 1984.

sex (ro’ op): 1.n. Nothing to see here. Please keep moving. 2.v. A light chicken gravy.

Shanghai Quartet (Som’ i nex) n. A group of four Oriental musicians which the administration keeps locked in the basement of the FAB, brought out to lull unsuspecting alumni to sleep while the administration steals their credit cards.

Shatner, Sir William: Great Shakespearean actor famed for his roles as Hamlet, Othello, and T.J. Hooker. Why is he in here? Your guess is as good as ours.

Shepard, Reichsmarschall Scott von (Kur’ mit the Fash’ ist Frog): intrans. v. A sinister entity bent upon conquering the world and then making everbody eat grits. see also Burn Todd Flora

social security n. Joining a fraternity.

T. C. Williams School of Law (La Skool’): 1.n. Formerly a breeding ground for lawyer larvæ until it was fumigated. The vacated building now serves as a new Palestinian Homeland.  2.n. The source of plenty of nasty letters after that last crack.

The Collegian (Køleejeeañ) 1.n. A periodical published weekly on Thursdays, the Collegian has been recognized since the demise of Pravda as the greatest international purveyor of Communist propaganda.  2.n. Home of the colossal 1/2 lb. Spiegelburger and Libel Fries, with all the trimmings, for only $3.99. Offer ends soon.

The Fan (The Fan’): n. The guy who actually showed up for a basketball game this year

The Messenger (from the Greek mesan, or “book of,” and garos, “lame poetry”) n. Reputedly a literary journal, the Messenger provides physical evidence that modernity cannot produce art. 

The Octaves (Awk’ tayves): 1.n. A group of eight musical notes  2.n. A group of eight or more musical sissy-boys.

The Row (Da Rîu): n. A picturesque garden district on the border between the City of Richmond and Hell, this area has maintained its antique, Victorian architecture and beauty by use of a barley-and-hops-based fertilization system and by extensive use of chattel labor. see also serfs

The Web (The Web’): n. An elite strike force. Its mission: to defeat the evil forces of Cobra and its ally, Destro. see also entry under lame

Trash violation (Noo’ sance): n. Driving around in a big-ass monster truck, watching NASCAR and spitting Copenhagen at the cat and … oops. Sorry, that’s a white trash violation.

University Players (fuh reeks’): 1.n. A group of people who put on gaudy makeup, dress up in the opposite sex’s clothing and say strange things. They also do plays.  2.n. A zesty cheese sauce.

The Virgin Vault (Lo’ ra Ro’ bins): 1.n. Like a haunted house, a rite of passage for young males to see if they can spend the night there  2.n. A dormitory converted from a small castle that used to serve as Cobra and Destro’s headquarters. see The Web

WCGA: Just like RCSGA, but with paint pens. 

Writing Center (Dor’ ks): n. A team of students, most of whom wear Superfriends Underoos, whose idea of humor is telling freshmen to rewrite 15-page papers the night before they’re due. 

Zip-eh-dee-doo-dah (Zip’ a de doo dah): n. Zip-eh-dee-day.

E

The 1st Annual URKEL Awards

By Jeffrey Carl and Paul Caputo

University of Richmond Collegian, February 2 1995

The only thing I recall about his one is that we had to work for a while to come up with an acronym to make “U.R.K.E.L.” After that, I think we wrote this one in a hurry. And it shows! Not in a good way!

We’ve been watching too much TV. 

Boris Yeltsin

At any rate, it seems that each station has decided to have its own awards. ESPN has the Espys. You have the Golden Globes, the Oscars, Emmys, Grammys, Tonys and the ACEAwards. Even the weather channel is having its first ever “Radar Image” Awards, hosted by Chevy Chase and a zany yet lovable tropical storm heading NNE at 15 mph.

Heather Locklear

We don’t like jumping on any fad bandwagons. On the other hand, we are fresh out of ideas and we have this half a page to fill. So we are proud to present the URKEL(University of Richmond Kommunity Enrichment Laurels) Awards. Here are your hosts, Boris Yeltsin and Heather Locklear.

Boris: Dobrii pozdotshlavaya, i perestroika Chechnya. [Translation: Hello and welcome to the awards. Exits are here, here, here and here.]

Heather:Oh, Boris. You’re so funny, and pudgy, too.

Boris:Boingy boingy.  [Do not touch me.]

Heather: Well, let’s get on with the awards.

Boris: Boingy boingy. [There is baloney in my slacks.]

Heather:That’s right. Our first trophy, the most coveted prize of the evening, is the “Scott Shepard/Ticket Lady Memorial Award for Pure Evil.” Boris, who are the nominees?

Boris: Zhlobny grovitsa, shto Skot Shepardd… [Obviously, Scott Shepard…] i Tikyeta Babushka [and the Ticket Lady…] i tovarischa trotsky glorp Bambishka [and, for no particular reason, Bambi.]

Heather: And — it’s a tie! — the surprise winners are … Alison Bartel Lord and “The Web,” for conduct above and beyond the call of pure evil. Each winner receives a trophy, a free ad in The Collegian, and a parking ticket.

Boris:Da, i nyet Webski Schmebski. [I get the feeling that The Web is really going to clean house tonight.] Et tollanum tyrranicus, sic semper Cæsarium. [Also, I’m completely stoned.]

Heather: Tee hee. [Ha ha.] Our next award is the Jason B. Roop Monolith for savage, ruthless political conflict. Boris Baby — the nominees, please?

Boris: Ich bien ein Hausfrau, und Reichschancellor Morrill… [First is President Morrill, for his execution of political dissenters and Wake Forest saboteurs…] mit der Pebbles ein D-Hallzeitungliebchenschaftbund… [and Pebbles from the D-Hall for her brutal repression of the disturbances in Chechnya…] und der Strudelmeister Oktoberfesten Rommelswagen Prince. [and the artist formerly known as “Prince.”]

Heather: Oh, Boris, you’re a cutie-pie. And — it’s a tie! — the surprise winners are … the evil aliens from “V,” and The Web.

Boris: Steille nacht, heilege nacht! [We have a special award next.] Heureux anniversaire! [Also, I am going to vomit.]

Heather: That’s right, we have the Erik Estrada Award for International Diplomacy. Who are the nominees?

Boris: ¿Donde estás, Señor Butt-head? Mucho Jepsonistas nachos… [First is The Jepson School of Leadership Studies, for its resolution of the crisis in Bosnia…] chilito meximelt pintos chicken soft taco… [and Police Chief Dillard, for this year’s all-time low of campus crime incidents involving the Klingon Empire…] chimichangas su pecho es muy grande. [and, for no particular reason, Phi Delt and SPE.]

Heather: Ooh … toughie there. And — it’s a tie! — the surprise winners are … Henry Kissinger and The Web! That’s funny, what has Henry Kissinger done for world diplomacy?

Boris: Je t’aime plus que j’aime Jean-Luc Picard! Il est le capitáin formidablé! [I have heard that you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.]

Heather: That doesn’t sound like Russian.

Boris: Suck it up, babe. [Pozhgorodny slovo Kazakhstan, Zhivago.]

Heather: Righty ho. And now, it’s time for the award we’ve all been waiting for.

Boris: Da. [That’s right, sweet buns.] Gort: klaatu, verada, nikto. [It’s time for the ever-coveted Collegian Award for Irresponsible Journalism …]

Heather: The nominees are the “Richmond Times-Dispatch,” for endorsing Oliver North and Pope-abuse … “The Family Circus,” for the “Little Billy is trapped in a Turkish prison” series … and Jeff Carl and Paul Caputo, for offending just about everybody there is to offend.

Boris:Omikron delta kaq YSX!… [Those guys really tweak my nipples! …] oogah-chaka, oogah-chaka, oogah, oogah oogah-chaka. [er … So to speak.]

Heather: And — it’s a tie! — the surprise winners are “The Web” and “The Web.”

Boris: Merde! [Boy, is that zany. Ha ha.] Zhleb. [I destroyed Communism just to get even with all the Politburo members who kept calling me “Spanky.”] Gazhlop. [Also, vote for Mom in the WCGA elections.]

Heather: That’s all for the televised segment of these awards. Stay tuned for the bottom of the page.

Boris: Dobrii nyoch, i Stalingrad. [Good night and God bless. These are the opinions of two deranged people and stop blaming it on The Collegian.] Sayonara. [Also, I’m not wearing any underwear.]