Horrorscope of the Stars

By Jeffrey Carl

The Westmoreland News, June 16 1994

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Horoscope for The Westmoreland News by the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your agent will call this week with a fantastic offer.  If you don’t have an agent, then hang up because it’s a wrong number.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Get in touch with your spiritual self this week.  Watch all of the “Oh, God” movies and reruns of “Amen.”  Take time to keep in touch with faraway loved ones, but do it after 11 p.m. when the phone rates are cheap.  Avoid Leos and hang-gliding.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): In your spare time this week, try designing new interior decorations or a fusion reactor that runs on pizza crusts.  Whatever you do this week, for God’s sake don’t … well, never mind.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): By pure chance, the Hollywood screen idol of your dreams will drop by your house this week, but you will be out shopping.  This is a good week to put things off that you don’t feel like doing.  Then again, it’s always a good week to put off things that you don’t feel like doing.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Your stars have been in an extraordinary conjunction – it means an incredible opportunity.  It actually means that there was one last week, but you didn’t know about it, so forget it.  This week, avoid Tauruses and Buicks.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Indulge your sassy side this week – do something zany.  Just remember that the age of consent in Virginia is 18; anything over $200 is Grand Larceny, which is a felony;  nobody thinks that swallowing live goldfish is funny anymore; and just because I said it doesn’t mean you have to do it.  

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Take time to stop and smell the roses this week.  But if you’re standing there, sniffing someone named Rose and they call you a pervert and beat the hell out of you, don’t be surprised.  Avoid Scorpios this week and Ronald Reagan movies.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): This is an amazing week for … hey, if you’re not an Aries, stop reading this.  Yeah, I mean you.  It’s none of your business.  Yeah, sure you’re an Aries.  I believe you.  Stop reading this and go back to your own horoscope.  I’m not kidding.  Alright, fine, have it your way, nosey.  I just won’t tell you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Take some time this week to spend with your lover.  If you don’t have a lover, then buy an inflatable doll and dress them up and call them “Irving” or “Weezie” and spend time with them. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): I won’t say anything about this week for you except you should remember that the police need to have a warrant before they can officially search your house or tap your phone.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Have you had your prostate examined recently?  

Leo (whatever is left over): Whoops.  I ran out of forecasts.  Make something up for yourself.

Horrorscope of the Stars

By Jeffrey Carl

The Westmoreland News, June 9 1994

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Horoscope for The Westmoreland News by the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Keep an eye on the Prime Lending Rate.  If the Federal Reserve Board moves it below 3.69 percent, move ahead with the GNMA purchases setup and the NASDAQ greenmail sharetrading on the Japanese corporate market, to receive untaxed bonds and diversionary income.  Also, remember to water your plants.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You will receive a patent this week for inventing a new kind of margarine that can be used as rocket fuel.  Avoid Scorpios and state police troopers.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You are moving into a new cycle in your love life: you will soon meet “someone special” and begin a wonderful romance.  However, this will not make your current “someone special” terribly happy.  You will also receive important mail this week.  It will be a lawsuit from the “someone special” mentioned above.  

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Let your “sassy” side show this week.  Get a little racy.  Wear some exotic lingerie for that special someone, unless you are man, in which case you’d feel pretty strange wearing a black lace brassiere.  Of course, if you are a man and you don’t feel strange wearing a brassiere, you’ve got bigger problems.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): This is your lucky week.  Enjoy it, because next week is going to be awful.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): This is an awful week.  

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Do you remember the episode of the Brady Bunch where they are visiting Hawaii and they take a cursed Tiki doll and then everything starts going wrong and Greg wipes out in the surfing competition?  If so, you watch way too much TV.  Get a life.  Avoid Tauruses and rat poison.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): This will be a lucky week if you send me lots of money.  It will be a lucky week for me, anyway.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You probably should not grow a stylish “Hitler” mustache to win friends and impress people.  If you are a woman, you should definitely not grow a “Hitler” mustache.  Your star is in a rare harmonic conjunction with Libra this week; it doesn’t actually mean anything, but it’s interesting.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): If you flip a coin this week, it will probably come up “heads.”  Invest in money market accounts, negotiable bonds, and rare Elvis singles.  Absolutely, positively do not do the “Watusi” with anyone wearing fur pajamas and green sunglasses this week.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Don’t smoke.  It’s bad for you.

Horrorscope of the Stars

By Jeffrey Carl

The Westmoreland News, June 2 1994

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Horoscope for The Westmoreland News by the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This is a good time for business dealings.  Buy things which will make money.  Don’t buy things which won’t make money.  Avoid Scorpios and foods with lots of saturated fats.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Your name may or may not be Edgar.  If it is, you’re in big trouble.  If it isn’t, then don’t worry about it.  Don’t watch too much TV this week: it’s bad for your eyes.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Avoid starchy foods.  You will soon meet a tall, handsome stranger who will mug you and take all your money.  

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): This is a time for reconciling with loved ones who you care about, but have fought with.  If you don’t care about them, then to hell with them.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Your star is in an unusual position.  This probably means that you will buy either a Village People album or the “Shaft’s Big Score” soundtrack in the next few days.  And then you will feel stupid for having bought them.  Or maybe it doesn’t mean that.  I really don’t know.  And, in fact, I’m not a Pisces, so I couldn’t care less.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): If your name is George and you’re curious, beware the man in the yellow hat.  Also, remember: there may still be pieces of Skylab floating around out there.  Be sure to floss frequently or tartar build-up may occur.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): If you see a large, green, scaly monster with huge, hideous teeth and fangs this week, don’t go near it.  It will probably eat you.  This is also a good time for investing, unless, of course, you go near the monster, in which case it won’t be a good time for anything.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Romance is entering your life this week in the form of a flashy stranger.  Don’t get too excited, because it is also exiting your life a couple days later.  Renew your expensive magazine subscriptions this week, but give them somebody else’s address.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): If somebody offers you fifty bucks this week, take it.  If somebody offers you a moldy old banana, don’t take it, because it will probably make you sick and die, which is bad luck.  Your decision to pursue a career as a human minesweeper may not work out as well as you hoped.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Be careful with your health this week.  This is a bad time for business dealings with Libras or space aliens.  Don’t forget to water your lawn.  Remember that you can save money by calling collect and sticking your loved ones with the bill.  You are lucky this week: your chances of winning the Virginia State Lottery are merely 1 in 6.3 million, down from 7.1 million last week.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Don’t smoke.  It’s bad for you.