By Jeffrey Carl
It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!
Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Collegian or its staff. In fact, they sure as hell don’t, but what can we do? We’ve been hoping for a while that this guy would stop writing and pick up a constructive hobby like building those neat little ships inside bottles or something, but he keeps writing and his mom said she’ll cancel her subscription if we don’t run his columns and we only have three other subscriptions so we’re kind of over a barrel on this one. Whatever the case may be, this column is property of The Collegian and is not to be reprinted, excerpted, quoted from or even talked about without the express written consent of The Collegian and the National Football League.
I hate charity fundraisers. I always have. Probably always will. It’s not like I’m a mean, nasty person … well, yes, actually, I am, but that’s not why.
I mean, I don’t object to the idea of charity or something. I don’t mind giving a few pennies to benefit victims of dutch elm disease or scurvy or whatever. It isn’t even that I’m opposed to doing things for other people in general: you can get a fantastic buzz if you drink after giving blood, and if you’re stealthy, you can steal hundreds of little packs of Chips-Ahoy.
I guess it’s that they’re all just so boring. Maybe if campus organizations found something exciting to do, I could get more interested. Perhaps instead of having wussy “pledge auctions,” fraternities could sell their pledges into the zombie slave trade and sororities could sell theirs in the red light district. They’d get a lot more money, and it would be so much more interesting.
Instead of simple teeter-tottering, they could combine it with those strength-testers in carnivals: one person would jump on the see-saw and propel the person on the other end up and into a large brass bell hoisted above them. If they ring the bell, the charity gets $5.
Then the other person, wandering about with a concussion, cerebral hemorrhaging, and muttering something about “time to make the donuts” gets to jump on their end and reverse the process. This raises money and is endlessly amusing, because bad things happening to other people is always good humor.
Or instead of a simple “Jail n’ Bail,” they could hold a “Turkish Prison Jail n’ Bail.” Students would again be jokingly “arrested” until their friends paid the requisite amount to “free” them. But instead of a cushioned corner of the Pier, students would be taken to a sub-basement of the Physical Plant building and confined in small cells, tortured psychologically and beaten continuously with rubber hoses. The psychological torture might consist of forcing them to watch MTV-Europe or reruns of “Saved by the Bell.” This would increase the urgency for the friends to come bail them out, and you could probably squeeze more money out of them, too.
In fact, since I’m certainly not afraid to recycle old jokes, I think every campus organization could get into the act, each according to its own special abilities and gifts. For example:
INTERVARSITY CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP/CATHOLIC CAMPUS MINISTRY JOINT FUNDRAISERS:
1. Sell Indulgences.
2. Inform the campus that God has declared that Dr. Burhans will be “called home” unless it raises $5 million.
DINING HALL FUNDRAISERS:
1. Host lavish black-tie $100/plate dinner event. Serve real food.
2. Asassinate key figures in the University administration; seize reins of power, and declare martial law. This wouldn’t raise funds for anything, but it would still be really cool.
UNIVERSITY PLAYERS FUNDRAISERS:
1. Perform guerrilla theater skits at the Regency in the food court, in front of the Chick-Fil-A. Make people pay them to go away.
2. Undertake major renovations, then rename the James L. Camp Memorial Theater, “The Kamp Karaoke Kavern.” Get together with CAB and work something out.
JEPSON SCHOOL FUNDRAISER:
Call Bob Jepson.
Maybe I’d be more excited if charities were more aggressive. You know, if it’s such a great cause, people should have no excuse for not giving. If the United Nations can send troops to Somalia, why shouldn’t UNICEF be able to send brigades of mechanized infantry to shopping malls and establish martial law at The Gap until all the little snots there hand over their parents’ credit cards? Perhaps the Salvation Army would send legions of crack paratrooper Santas to K marts across the country to insure everyone “gives ‘til it hurts.”
Maybe my problem is the charities that these fundraiser events are for. I’m sure they are honest and deserving, but there are a lot of worthy causes to raise money for that frequently get neglected. Here are a few actual non-profit organizations that I think should get some attention for future fundraisers:
• BRENT MUSBERGER FOR PRESIDENT ‘96 campaign fund
• WE ARE THE WORLD League of American Football – donations needed badly
• THE JEFFERSON MEMORIAL – collecting to place a large bronze statue of Sherman Hemsley in Washington, D.C.
• THE S. SHEPARD LEGAL DEFENSE FUND FOR HOMELESS SOCIALIST MINORITY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WHO DON’T LIKE GRITS
• KOOL-AID – collecting money to find new jobs for the members of “Kool & the Gang”
• FREE JAMES BROWN!
• JAIL MONTEL WILLIAMS!
• ROBBY KRIEGER MEMORIAL PSYCHIATRIC TREATMENT FUND – for people who think Jim Morrison was “an American Poet”
• THE MARCH OF DRACHMAS – for disabled children in Greece
• SQUIRRELHOLICS ANONYMOUS – I won’t explain it, but it’s sad
Or what about a truly deserving cause founded right here at the UR? An idea of mine is to take up a collection to hire a hit man to get rid of the annoying kid from those “Encyclopedia Brittanica” commercials.
Maybe this is all the inevitable result of me, getting old and grumpy. But please consider it, won’t you? Please send contributions to:
Death to That Annoying Kid From Those “Encyclopedia Brittanica” Comercials Fund
c/o The Collegian, Espionage, Sabotage, and Asassination Dept.
Tyler Heinous Commons, 14th Floor
Richmond, The University, 90125