By Jeffrey Carl
It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!
Editor’s Note: Look, we give up. Let’s just let it go at that. We don’t take any responsibility for anything contained herein, etc., and in fact we don’t even want to hear about it. We don’t writes ’em, we just prints ’em.
We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers. So we thought we’d disregard all the mail we’ve received lately and waste space answering a question that nobody actually asked.
Q: What should my major be?
A: Well, that’s a good question. It used to be that the answer would relate to each individual’s response to “What do I want to be when I grow up?” Today, however, the world is a more sophisticated place and such simplistic queries have fallen by the wayside. Now the proper question to ask is, “What can I take that will be least likely to interfere with my being able to watch the Simpsons every Thursday night?”
To help answer that, and to generate cheap laughs, let’s take a quick look at the scope of majors available here at the University of Richmond. Answer the questions “yes” if it applies to you, “no” if it doesn’t. Score one point for each “yes” answer. Then forget how many points you have because they really don’t matter anyway.
JEPSON SCHOOL OF LEADERSHIP STUDIES APTITUDE QUESTIONNAIRE:
Y N 1. My friends usually let me decide where we all go for pizza.
SCIENCE APTITUDE QUESTIONNAIRE:
Y N 1. I don’t like this thing they call “free time.”
Y N 2. I want to have my mail delivered right to the Science Library.
Y N 3. I thrive on stress. In fact, I’m so keyed up now I could eat bricks.
MATH/COMPUTER SCIENCE APTITUDE QUESTIONNAIRE:
Y N 1. I feel confident about my times tables.
Y N 2. You can meet some really interesting and exciting people on the Star Trek bulletin board on the URvax.
Y N 3. I think Matthew Broderick was screwed over by the Oscars for “WarGames.”
Well, liberal arts it is. Right away, we can exclude language majors, because it is extremely difficult to complete a language major without taking language classes. And those are a no-no. So, let’s check out the rest:
HISTORY APTITUDE QUESTIONNAIRE:
Y N 1. I enjoy reading books about dead people.
ENGLISH APTITUDE QUESTIONNAIRE:
Y N 1. I’m worried about how the English language is doing. Maybe I should keep it under observation for a few more years.
Y N 2. On a nothing day, curling up with a big book of Chaucer just makes it all seem worthwhile.
Y N 3. I like “unemployment.”
Y N 4. I want to teach English in high school somewhere.
Y N 5. I want to teach English in college somewhere.
Y N 6. I want to go to grad school and avoid the real world indefinitely, so the fact that everybody already speaks English here doesn’t bother me.
Well, the “grad school” thing sounds okay, because you could stay and see Dave every Wednesday night for an additional two or three years. But there’s always the chance that he’ll get big and move away, so let’s put that one on the back burner.
THEATER APTITUDE QUESTIONNAIRE:
Y N 1. I feel “special.”
Y N 2. I look good in all black.
Y N 3. I plan on doing lots of revivals of “The Fantasticks” at the Lake Woebegone Community Theater/Craft Fair.
ART APTITUDE QUESTIONNAIRE:
Y N 1. I feel “special.”
Y N 2. I look good in all-black.
Y N 3. I plan on doing lots of drugs.
MUSIC APTITUDE QUESTIONAIRRE:
Y N 1. I feel “special.”
Y N 2. I look good in cheap suits.
Y N 3. I plan on doing lots of time in jail on drug and morals charges.
PSYCHOLOGY APTITUDE QUESTIONNAIRE:
Y N 1. I’m out of it enough that I haven’t heard all the horror stories about Intro to Psych.
Besides, psychology experiments aren’t anything like you’d hope they would be, like smoking dried toad skins and discussing whether rocks can dream. Next?
WOMEN’S STUDIES!
Yes, that’s right. Just consider the benefits. Women’s Studies implies that at the end of the course, you’ll understand them. That is certainly something men could use … and quite a few women as well. For guys, even if you don’t end up understanding them, you’re almost guaranteed there will be lots of girls in your classes all the time. For women, you already have a leg up on the studying — hell, if they opened a “Jeff Carl Studies” program here, I’d sign up faster than a greased schnauzer. So, for women, being a Women’s Studies major is like being born with Cliffs Notes.
Well, it seems we are out of time. So until next time, good night and God bless.