by Jeffrey Carl
Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to Assistant News Editor in my sophomore year, then on to Greek Life Editor and IT Manager (I read MacWorld magazine!) in my junior year, and ultimately to Opinion Editor in my senior year.
For some reason that escapes me now, I acquired a humor column during this process at the beginning of my junior year. This column, titled “Over the Cliff Notes,” eventually ran for 22 installments and was over the course of two years was read by literally dozens of actual humans, only most of which where KA pledges I forced to do so. Its literary influence was quite literally incalculable, and I’m just going to leave it at that.
It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!
We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers. Aw, who the hell are we kidding? You know and I know and Erik Estrada knows that we really don’t give a dead rat’s ass. But at least we make an effort, you know? So, anyway, here’s a letter from The Collegian Piping-Hot-Full-of-Letters Mailbag:
Q: I’ve been hearing a lot about the new social space. Now, what’s up with that?
A: I don’t know what’s up with the campus radio station. Damned if I can figure it out. The only time I ever really listened to WDCE 90.1 FM was freshman year when my friends and I would drink cheap wine and call up Allan Young and Todd Flora on “College Talks” and yell “eat me” on the air. But many people are perplexed about what it does and why and if anyone listens to it besides weird people at VCU with day-glo purple hair and rings in their winkies and tattoos of Martha Graham and Gertrude Stein doing hits off a six-foot bong and dancing the “Achy Breaky dance.”
I decided to do some investigative work and actually listen to the radio station for a while. The results were irritating. Not only did all of the music sound like exploding cats with feedback, but there wasn’t even anything wholesome or positive or Roop-esque on the station. The whole thing just sucked. It was like a musical version of eating masking tape.
WDCE’s motto is that it is “the alternative.” The term “alternative” implies that it isn’t your first choice, anyway. But the radio station’s mission is to play all this ultra-cool, hip stuff that nobody has ever heard of and allows you to claim that you’re that band’s biggest fan because you’re their only fan. I mean, if you tell somebody that you’re dating the sister of the lead singer for “Buttsteak[note: actual band],” nobody’s gonna argue with you.
I also assembled a few facts about the radio station from my listening. How much do you know about your campus radio station? A little WDCE quiz: (answers at end of column)
1. Pick the song that wasn’t played on WDCE in the last 72 hours:
a) “Rhapsody in goo” by The Pickle Tickle
b) “Pus” by Schnitzel
c) “Ass masters” by 1910 Fruitgum Company
d) “Peeing in the pool” by Dickweed
e) “Pus (the frothy remix)” by Schnitzel
f) “Suck it” by Buttsteak
g) “The ‘College Talk with your host Brian C. Jones’ theme song” by The Brian C. Jones Soul Explosion
2. Demographics show that the average WDCE listener is:
a) 12 – 18
b) 18 – 25
c) on serious drugs
d) whichever DJ is doing the show at the time
3. As a mass medium, WDCE’s audience size is equal to that of:
a) “MTV”
b) “The New York Times”
c) “Ishtar”
d) “The Collegian”
e) “The Collegian” when half of its readers are sick and only the other guy gets a chance to pick it up
4. Which of the following has not been an actual, official motto of WDCE:
a) “Judas Priest, are we weird”
b)“The Richmond area’s only authorized ‘Buttsteak’ dealer”
c) “Twice as much dead air time as the next leading radio station”
d) “At VCU we’re really cool and our album just broke in Belgium”
Who is responsible for this drivel? I called the general manager of WDCE, James O. Bryant, and when I identified myself as a member of the Collegian staff, he simply refused to return my calls. A couple of days later, I called back and identified myself as the Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, from “Spin” magazine. This time he agreed to talk to me about WDCE and its role in the assassination of John F. Kennedy.
“Well,” Bryant said, “we’re basically just here to annoy people. I don’t usually tell people that, but we are also actually all Communists.”
Aha! I had begun to unravel this sinister scheme, a purported “radio station” that actually was an engine of Fifth Column Radicalism promoting Communist revolution and tooth decay. The only conclusion I can come to is that the radio station should be filled in with cement immediately and all of the DJs should be burned at the stake and the whole thing should be cleaned up or else stronger measures will be advocated. Thank you and good night.