By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl
You’ll note that “ahoy!” is one of the funniest words in existence. This column’s highlight was probably the stoning of David Hasselhoff by angry reporters. I think at the time “gay” and “Richard Simmons” were still words that could get a cheap laugh just by mentioning them, or at least that’s the only explanation for how often we went out of our way to keep telling people we weren’t gay. Which we aren’t. Or, you know what, you can ask Paul since I don’t want to speak for him.
Hi. We are “Jeff and Paul.” Just like famed magicians “Siegfried and Roy,” except we don’t do magic tricks, we don’t have any huge invisible tigers and we aren’t gay.
Well, 1995 is over, except for those of you still on Daylight Savings Time. It’s time to dump Old Man ‘95 in the Matlock Memorial Nursing Home of Time and pluck Baby ‘96 from the Stroller of Hope. But before we move on to 1996 (“The Year of the Poodle”), it’s time to reflect upon 1995 (“The Year of Lots of Fish.”) History will certainly remember 1995 as having been “after 1994, and before 1996.” And that’s important. Unless you’re on Daylight Savings Time, in which case 1995 comes after 316 B.C., and in the Mountain Time Zone there are 36 days in October.
It is said that “Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it, unless they bribe, sleep with, or shoot their teacher.” Well, there are no bribes for the Great Teacher of Time, who calls the Roll of History, assigns the Homework of Experience, gives the Detention of Global Warming, gets sick and is replaced by the Substitue Teacher of Unregulated Interstate Commerce, and is sometimes Drunk in Class, which results in Leap Years and the weather formation known as “El Niño.”
We must study the mistakes of 1995, like the government shutdowns and Waterworld (also known as “Fishtar”), if we are to avoid repeating them. We gaze back upon the Major Events of 1995, and wonder, “Where did the time go? What the Hell was I thinking? Was I drunk or something? And why did somebody give me Tube Socks for Christmas? Who the Hell wants socks?”
1995, Or Whatever
January 4: Baywatch becomes the most popular TV show in the history of the universe. Star David Hasselhoff, in a special celebratory press conference at his Austrian mountain retreat (der Hasselhäus) inexplicably sings “Send in the Clowns” in German, but only gets as far as the second verse before he is stoned by angry reporters.
January 13: The Richmond City Council rejects the idea of Riverboat gambling on the Annabel Lee, saying, “Wow! Try some of these red pills!”
February 6: It’s really cold.
March 12: Investors cheer as the Dow Jones Average breaks the high of 4000, allowing them to enter their initials on the High Score Board.
March 15: Gen. Douglas MacArthur signs the treaty ending World War II. Um, well, we’re pretty sure something like that happened last year.
March 20: Hundreds are killed in Japan after the maniacal Aum Shinrikyo cult plants deadly bombs in subways that release concentrated doses of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be A Redneck If…” CD.
April 2: The Major League Baseball strike ends when ABC, in place of baseball, broadcasts documentaries on “Our Wacky Friend the Lemur” and “The Mystery and Magic of Sand.” Ratings go up.
May 24-31: We don’t remember what happened here. Paul was out of town and Jeff was drunk.
June 21: 28-year-old Nicholas Leeson manages to single-handedly wreck the entire British Barings Bank after losing $1.2 billion of England’s money. He later claims he “just lost it under the cushions of his car seats.”
July 7: The worst drought in years kills every plant in the state, making Virginia’s leading crop “Thatch.”
July 30: The worst floods ever to hit Virginia wash away all of the state’s freshly-harvested thatch crop, making the new leading cash crop “Gravel.”
August 2: The “Unabomber” threatens to blow up somebody unless The Washington Post prints his 35,000-word treatise on the evils of Static Cling.
August 12: Plucky but brain-damaged Peter McNeely announces he will fight Mike Tyson. Hopeful children gather outside the arena to catch McNeely’s head as it comes out over the left-field fence.
August 19: Plucky but porcine Shannon Faulkner quits The Citadel. Hundreds of cadets celebrate jubilantly, saying “Boy are we sure glad there’s no GIRLS around anymore! It’s just us GUYS, hanging out in sailor suits and getting sweaty doing push-ups! Yaaayyyy!”
Later that afternoon: Richard Simmons applies to The Citadel.
August 27: Citizens of Quebec vote narrowly to support the referendum stating that “Playing ice hockey and speaking French just don’t seem to go together.” It is a terrible defeat for the ultra-nationalist Passez les Croissants Party, but they vow to continue their fight “by any means necessary.”
September 3: Shannon Faulkner knocks out Peter McNeely in 91 seconds.
September 21: A pack of ruthless Quebeçois terrorists from the PLC Party sneak into a crowded shopping mall at mid-day, and savagely hand out leaflets explaining their position.
October 3: O. J. Simpson is found “Not Guilty.” Angry upper-middle-class whites riot, looting BMW dealerships and setting several Starbucks Coffee stores ablaze.
October 7: Colin Powell announces that he won’t run for president, but is thinking of getting a part-time job.
October 9: In a commercial, Peter McNeely is (True Fact!) knocked out by a greasy piece of pizza.
October 12: Under renewed threats of mail-bombing attempts, The Richmond State publishes a 35,000-word treatise on how to survive after college.Our weekly column is born.
October 15: Hurricane (Real Name!) Opal hits the east coast, resulting in one tree falling over and three hundred surfers appearing on the local news talking about how “Bitchin’!” the waves are.
October 16: The Million-Man March in Washington D.C. attracts, according to the U.S. Park Service, 400,000 marchers and 514,000 reporters. March organizer Louis Farrakhan claims attendance was under-counted because “the white man insists on placing several numbers between 3 and 8.”
October 17: Terrorists bomb France, endangering the world’s supply of berets and pretentiousness. A special U.N. peacekeeping force moves into Paris, but retreats after being ambushed by a pack of surly French waiters.
October 28: A seriously overexcited Atlanta Braves fan, doing “The Tomahawk Chop” during the World Series, cracks the skull of Jane Fonda, sitting in front of him. Millions applaud.
November 14: The government wages a campaign to force the restaurant “Hooters” to hire male waitresses. Keep in mind that your tax dollars paid for this.
November 15: In an official statement, men world-wide announce, “Yech.”
November 19: Part one of ABC’s Beatles Anthology airs, surprising even the most die-hard fans when it reveals that Ringo was once the leader of the Gestapo.
November 21: President Clinton meets with Bosnian and Serbian leaders in similarly war-torn Ohio, where they agree to give the Bosnians control of Board Walk and Park Place, and give the Serbs the “War in Bosnia” Home Game and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.
November 23: In part 3 of the landmark Beatles Anthology, Ringo knocks out Peter McNeely in 18 seconds.
November 30: Peter McNeely announces plans to fight a rock. Oddsmakers give him 15 seconds.
December 3: Rome invades Carthage, beginning the third Punic War.
December 9: The first American troops, the 103rd Airborne (“The Screaming Weasels”), arrive in the war-torn Balkans. They decide it is “no fun” and just go invade Luxembourg.
December 12: David Hasselhoff, in a bizarre stage-diving accident during a concert in Düsseldorf, knocks out Peter McNeely.
December 25: Paul gets Tube Socks for Christmas. Jeff gets coal and a “Slippy, the Christmas Weasel” necktie.
December 31: In Times Square, ten seconds before midnight, a wild-eyed and obviously drunk Dick Clark rings in the new year by knocking out Peter McNeely. McNeely, dazed, yells “Happy Hallowe’en!” and is then crushed to death by the huge dropping ball.
©1996! Puff Carpluto
Check out Jeff and Paul on the Internet at http://www.pluginc.com!