The Richmond State - A Fantasic Free Read Every Thursday

They Aren’t Paying Us Enough to Be Funny

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl

The Richmond State, or at least the closest I could find to it
The Richmond State, March 26 1996

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.

Yell-O. We are Jeff and Paul. Aren’t you excited? Well, you DAMN well should be.

Once again, we, Jeff and Paul, investigative journalists, Defenders of Truth, Writers of Crap, Users of Many Commas, are dipping into our ever-brimming Loyal Reader Mail Sack™, if you know what we mean. We sure as Hell don’t. Furthermore, also. Therefore, we are answering a letter from a lucky reader, who is almost certainly not you, because you didn’t write in.

Dear Messrs. Carl and Caputo,

Your payments on the Deluxe Model Foosball Table are now four months overdue. Please kindly pay immediately or a sales representative named “Torg” will visit you soon, and shove a lamp up your asses. Thank you for your prompt attention…

Whoops! Wrong mailbag! That seems to have been the Loyal Angry Creditor Mailbag®. We have found our Loyal Reader Mailbag or Whatever©, and will now answer a letter.

Dear “Jeff” and/or “Paul,”

Remember that column you wrote? The one about the thing? You know? Well, what’s up with that? You know?

Q: Is there any over-the-counter medication I can take which will give me fresh, minty breath and improve my gas mileage?

A: That’s a fine question. Here’s what you do: You walk up to your boss and say, “It was me who stocked the company water cooler with goldfish!” Then stomp on his foot, kick him in the shins and staple his eyelids to his forehead.

He won’t be pinching your ass again. And that’s one to grow on.

Q: Is it true that research has been found, in clinical studies, to cause cancer in laboratory animals?

A: Let’s face it. Even to suggest that Denny’s “Moons Over My Hammy” breakfast meal is even a little bit offensive is just a bit over the top. Even if you are a Ukrop.

Q: Is there any reason that the people responsible for ‘Mentos: the Freshmaker!’ commercials should be allowed to live?

A: Hmm… We’re not sure. Try Pongo Twistleton’s column. By the way, there were no contest winners from last week, so please be sure to mail your entries with the postage stamp on the outside.

Q: Which is worse: Hitler, or people who say ‘nucular’ instead of ‘nuclear?’

A: Our favorite country is Norway. The people there are so short, and yet somehow so large. It might have something to do with all those pastries.

Q: Does Søren Kierkegaard’s existentialist dogma (positing, for the æsthete, that ennui is the demonic pantheism) properly encapsulate man’s will to exist? Or is it all just a bunch of crapola?

A: A little warm milk and a lot of penicillin, and everything will be just fine.

Q: Would you agree that advancements in computer technology have gone straight downhill ever since “Super Challenge Baseball” for Atari 2600?

A: The worst thing is wrong numbers. For example, Jeff’s phone number is very similar to that of the Poison Control Center, so he always gets calls from people whining about “Ohhh, I just drank a quart of Draño!” or whatever. He tells them to: 1. “Have some ‘Wheaties’ and you’ll be all right,” or 2. “Watch ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’ to induce vomiting,” then hangs up.

Q: Oh my God! What is that thing on your face?

A: The trick is to hold the ferret firmly in the palm of your hand before jamming into slot 4, as shown in the diagram.

Q: If you had a million dollars to give to any charity organization in the world, would you?

A: Well, it’s your fault for not having a Macintosh in the first place. That’s what we say.

Q: Doesn’t ‘Newt Gingrich’ sound like a name for a Klingon or something?

A: If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a bajillion times: Swallowing tiny bits of Nerf will not cure scurvy or the Clap.

Q: Is there a restroom here I can use?

A: The mighty sequoia, which grows to over three hundred feet in height.

Q: Did you know that if you held your breath for a long time, then someone unexpectedly punched you in the gut, you would either black out or start thinking just like Rush Limbaugh?

A: In 1995 alone, more than 400 cats died in accidents directly related to Dust Busters.