Tag: Paul Caputo

By The Dead Editors’ Society (Jeffrey Carl, Paul Caputo and Scott Shepard)

This was our brazen attempt to just plain offend everybody that we hadn’t offended so far. I will now admit that I completely ripped off the “Ring Dance is just like a bar mitzvah but with sex in the elevators” joke from P. J. O’Rourke. On one hand, this was a tremendous amount of fun for three callow young aspiring humorists to write: doing our best to offend university administration officials and skewer our college’s sacred cows in the service of cheap laughs for our fellow students. On the other hand, it features (like much of my college-era writing) a pretty astounding amount of casual misogyny and homophobia, which seemed funny and au courant at the time but is terribly embarrassing in retrospect. All my old stuff is here in unexpurgated form not because I’m proud of it, but because I don’t believe in “Han shot first” revisionism – this is what I wrote and how out of date it now seems is part of its historical value.

Mr. Shepard starring as Noah Webster 

Mr. Carl as Daniel Webster

Mr. Caputo appearing as That Little Kid Webster

Welcome to the University of Richmond. Now that the school year is nearly two-thirds done, the members of the Dead Editor’s Society thought that, as a service to the community, we would provide an informative yet pointless compendium of terms peculiar to life here in the Spider Web (also known as Valhalla, Nirvana, and Traffic Court). We hope that this compact yet nutritious guide (please feel free to rip it out and hang it on your wall) will prove useful for you as you progress through the hills and valleys of the little college which even West-enders with flags in their front yards consider pretentious. 

aerobics (from Greek æros, or “floppy parts,” and bikos, or “a-jigglin’ like crazy”): 1.n. A bizarre ritual somehow involving spandex and Evian.  2.n. A small furry mammal. 

Baptists (Bap’ teests): coll. n. A discredited cult formerly associated with the University.

birth control (ging’ rich): 1.n. The fact that the Safety Shuttle stops running at 2 a.m.  2.adj. see Flagboy

brick (You arrr’ bas ket bawl’) 1.n. A building device that the University of Richmond obviously thinks you can buy like it’s Legos.  2. I mean, come on, now, this stuff is expensive. This is our tuition you’re playing with. 3. Oh, I see, you have enough brick to build an entire leadership school, but you can’t spend 30 extra dollars on concrete to finish the tower on Jepson. 4. You make me sick.

CAB (Kabob’): n. An on-campus organization dedicated to making independents with no friends feel worse than they already do. Members of the group can be seen in the top floor of the Commons painting signs that say things like, “No friends? How ’bout coming to see a weak comedian in The Pier by yourself?”

Caputo, Paul “The Fish” (from the French kaput, or “not,” and püter, or “funny.”): The last remaining specimen of an otherwise extinct species. Should be approached with caution, especially if carrying bacon, working for The Web, or responsible for canceling Quantum Leap. 

Carl, Jeff (Weee’ zul): n. After being abandoned by his parents at birth, this esoteric, bitter columnist was raised by a small family of campus dogs. After gaining entrance to UR on a minority short guy scholarship, he was taken in by a bunch of KA pledges and taught how to speak and wear flannel.

Dance, Ring (from Latin ringos, or “daddy” and dancius, or “is drunk”): 1.n. A bizarre mating ritual, pretty much like a bar mitzvah but with sex in the elevators.  2.n. A light chicken gravy. 

employment (?) noun, maybe? How the Hell should we know. We’re liberal arts majors. Ask the guys in the damned green eyeshades and Oh, and, can you lend me a few dollars? 

e-mail (E! Entertainment):n. It used to be that it took days and even weeks to get a message from one place to another, but now, because of technological advances and because the computers are down again, you can’t get it there at all.

Flagboy:

FLAGBOY

Year Games ERA GPA W-L

’91-2 32 4.11 3.23 0-6

’92-3 4 (strike) 82.33 12 0-35

’93-4 29 Yes No 0-143

’94-5 63 3.14 -6 0-Westhampton

• Named to the John Madden All-Flagboy team three years in a row

• Is result of secret Nazi genetic experiments

flange (flange’): 1.adj. Kind of minty.  2.pron. Anything found in the lake.

GDI (God-damned Independent): 1.n. A seldom-glimpsed, usu. hermitlike species often found in Thomas Hall on Friday nights.  2.n. A rare, infectious disease. see also Caputo

Goldberg, Marquis Leonard de: Former bassist for the Grateful Dead, 1971-75. Later founder of the Leonard Goldberg Soul Explosion. 

Harwood, Dame Patricia: Dean of Westhampton College and sixth in line for the British crown. Former world crumpet-spitting champion. Known during her ’60s radical days as “Patty X.”

hook up (lay pipe’): 1.v. Well, it’s like when you get together with somebody who you aren’t involved with but when you would, like, go out with them but you wouldn’t go out with them and you certainly aren’t dating, even though you might be together.  2.vavavoom verb. Ba-ka-chooka-wang, ba-ka-chooka-woo  3.pron. Okay, okay, we have no idea personally (except Paul says he has this girlfriend in Canada but Scott and Jeff don’t believe him) but we’ve heard it’s neat.

The Honor Council (Turn’ coats): 1.n. Oh, right, like they never cheated on anything in high school. 2.n. U. Va. wannabes.

intellectual curiosity (in tel ec’ shul kur EEEE’ os it E): n. A discredited cult formerly associated with the University.

Jepson School of Leadership Studies (Jet’ son): n. A discredited cult formerly associated with the University.

Loch Westhampton (Fes’ ter ing Slime’ Pit): n. Home to Jimmy Hoffa and countless KA pledges who did not quite make the grade, this scenic area been the setting for such Hollywood classics as “On Golden Pond,” “A River Runs Through It” and “The Blob.”

Lord Alison: The fifth Earl of Sussex, British Prime Minister 1934-40; former World Gym-kata champion and Reichskommissar of Austria. see also entry on her cousin Lord Alison Bartles and Jaymes

male cheerleaders: n. Sissy boys. 

Mateer, Richard M.D.: Won the 1951 Nobel Prize in biology for his discovery of the infamous Vitamin “F,” which was later revealed to just be 7-Up. Also played Sgt. Deedee McCall on the popular TV show “Hunter” for three seasons.

mulch (durt): n. The store of wealth and medium of exchange at the University. The great explosion of mulch stores in recent years has set off an inflation spiral which has result in $1,000-per-year tuition increases for the past five years. see also Senior Campaign

multiculturalism (exac’ tly like it’s spel’ led) n. An intellectual practice currently in vogue at the University. The most controversial such exercise found Protestants and Catholics coming together for mutual understanding at the Chaplaincy. The event was marked by only sporadic gunfire. 

9 Divine (Me nu’ do): 1.n. The artists formerly known as talented.  2.n. A mild cheese sauce.

num-chuks (nim’ chek): 1.n. A terrifying Japansese weapon of death 2.n. A terrifying American columnist of Fiat Currency.  see entries under Freedom Betrayed, suicide.

Or Whatever: Or whatever. see Yeah, right.

orientation (Al’ ca TRAZ): 1.n. A yearly event occuring in the third week of every August, participants in orientation have often been known to run screaming from the campus to take up employment with the U.S. Postal Service.

pledge (suc’ ker): see serf

RCSGA (RoopColegSchlafGestapoAufwiedersehn): A secret paramilitary organization suspected of involvement with the Bay of Pigs invasion, the Munich Putsch of 1923, the North nomination of 1994 and the naming of “Edible Bites.” Apparently, they also make cool animals out of tied baloons. see Or Whatever.

Roop, Archwarlock Jason of: Neutral-Chaotic magic user. +20 HP, AC -3. Spells of: “Sleep” (level 3), “Magic Fireball” (level 4), and “Really Cool Breakdancing” (level 9). Can only be killed by magic users level 6 and above, or during a full moon by piercing his heart with an arrow-shaped Gardenburger.

Ryland Hall (Throat wo’ bbler Man’ grove) n. The dual-winged building half-way between the academic quad (see also “What?”) and the Hotel Jeter, Ryland Hall houses the University soup kitchen and the unemployment office.

Senior Campaign (Los Señor Campagnöla) n. see also Napoleon’s Russian Campaign, 1812; Hitler’s Russian Campaign, 1941; and Walter Mondale’s Presidential Campaign, 1984.

sex (ro’ op): 1.n. Nothing to see here. Please keep moving. 2.v. A light chicken gravy.

Shanghai Quartet (Som’ i nex) n. A group of four Oriental musicians which the administration keeps locked in the basement of the FAB, brought out to lull unsuspecting alumni to sleep while the administration steals their credit cards.

Shatner, Sir William: Great Shakespearean actor famed for his roles as Hamlet, Othello, and T.J. Hooker. Why is he in here? Your guess is as good as ours.

Shepard, Reichsmarschall Scott von (Kur’ mit the Fash’ ist Frog): intrans. v. A sinister entity bent upon conquering the world and then making everbody eat grits. see also Burn Todd Flora

social security : n. Joining a fraternity.

T. C. Williams School of Law (La Skool’): 1.n. Formerly a breeding ground for lawyer larvæ until it was fumigated. The vacated building now serves as a new Palestinian Homeland.  2.n. The source of plenty of nasty letters after that last crack.

The Collegian (Køleejeeañ) 1.n. A periodical published weekly on Thursdays, the Collegian has been recognized since the demise of Pravda as the greatest international purveyor of Communist propaganda.  2.n. Home of the colossal 1/2 lb. Spiegelburger and Libel Fries, with all the trimmings, for only $3.99. Offer ends soon.

The Fan (The Fan’): n. The guy who actually showed up for a basketball game this year

The Messenger (from the Greek mesan, or “book of,” and garos, “lame poetry”) n. Reputedly a literary journal, the Messenger provides physical evidence that modernity cannot produce art. 

The Octaves (Awk’ tayves): 1.n. A group of eight musical notes  2.n. A group of eight or more musical sissy-boys.

The Row (Da Rîu): n. A picturesque garden district on the border between the City of Richmond and Hell, this area has maintained its antique, Victorian architecture and beauty by use of a barley-and-hops-based fertilization system and by extensive use of chattel labor. see also serfs

The Web (The Web’): n. An elite strike force. Its mission: to defeat the evil forces of Cobra and its ally, Destro. see also entry under lame

Trash violation (Noo’ sance): n. Driving around in a big-ass monster truck, watching NASCAR and spitting Copenhagen at the cat and … oops. Sorry, that’s a white trash violation.

University Players (fuh reeks’): 1.n. A group of people who put on gaudy makeup, dress up in the opposite sex’s clothing and say strange things. They also do plays.  2.n. A zesty cheese sauce.

The Virgin Vault (Lo’ ra Ro’ bins): 1.n. Like a haunted house, a rite of passage for young males to see if they can spend the night there  2.n. A dormitory converted from a small castle that used to serve as Cobra and Destro’s headquarters. see The Web

WCGA: Just like RCSGA, but with paint pens. 

Writing Center (Dor’ ks): n. A team of students, most of whom wear Superfriends Underoos, whose idea of humor is telling freshmen to rewrite 15-page papers the night before they’re due. 

Zip-eh-dee-doo-dah (Zip’ a de doo dah): n. Zip-eh-dee-day.

E

By The Dead Editors’ Society (Jeffrey Carl, Paul Caputo and Scott Shepard)

As our Christmas 1994 gift to the students, we decided to piss off everyone on campus who was even vaguely religious. I think we also broke the world record for number of “inside jokes” per column inch of text. That was also a lot of fun. In the original version, we had spent an inordinate amount of time in Quark XPress 3.2 futzing around with the typography to do ostensibly funny things with the superscript verse numbers appearing at the end of each line of text to give it the appearance of being King James Bible verse citations. I have declined to invest the effort to recreate these typographical flourishes here because 1.) WordPress can’t; 2.) it’s time consuming and 3.) I doubt anyone but the original authors will ever end up reading this again and frankly I’m not sure about Shepard. So all those numbers and symbols at the end of lines that look like typos? Just assume they were funny once.

Mr. Shepard starring as John Calvin 

Mr. Carl as Cardinal Richlieu

Mr. Caputo appearing as St. Hubbins

Editor’s Note: To all those who were going to write in to inform the writers that they’re going to Hell, don’t bother. We’ve all got front-row seats waiting, and we’ll be saving a deck chair for you. Happy holidays!

Genesis 1:1 – 3:30 p.m.

In the beginning, God created the Commons and X-Lot.1 And it was good. And then the Lord said, “Let there be Lite Beer,” and there was, and God thought it was kinda okay but mainly just for chicks to drink.2 And then, marginally dissatisfied, He said “Let there be Light.”3 

And there was still really nothing, but at least now you could see it.4 And then He created the beasts of the field the fish of the waters and the mutant duck of the Lake. And, lo, they were also pretty good, I guess.8 Eventually God was sorry for having created the little black duck that walkedeth about the lake, so he killed it, which is why you don’t see it walking around anymore.5 Anyway, you can’t win ’em all.9

And then the Lord created Man in His own image, for, verily, Image is Everything, as sayeth the Lambda Chis.12

And then eventually Man noticed that he had an extra part that didn’t seem to have any use but made him feel all tingly when he climbdeth up the rope in gym class, and he complained unto God and thus did the Lord say unto him:

“Let there be Westhampsters.”69

And suddenly Man had one less rib, but another bone to replace it because directly before him stood Woman. And the Lord sayeth, “Well this should at least be interesting.”843

Man and Westhampster wenteth to The Row, for lack of anything better to do, for the movie in the Pier suckethed llama balls, again.63

For the Westhampster was tempted by the Devil, who assumed the pleasant form of Pebbles (who turned out to be the evil leaper, whom only Sam could see), Lord’s note: Know thee that his blasphemer Caputo watcheth too much “Quantum Leap” on the USA Network and convinced her to eat of the forbidden fruit of the “lite” salad bar in the D-Hall.2

Westhampster ate of the salad bar, but only bits of celery and carrots, steering far clear of fattening Bac-O’bits.12.5

Exodus 4:12 – 6:11 ratio

And Moses Mateer descended from the mountain, bearing a stone tablet , with the following inscription:”All right, everybody out of the pool!” And yea, the people were confused, so he returned to the mountain for further instruction. He came back with the Ten Commandments for the people. And the laws were:

1. Thou shalt not believe anything thou readeth in The Col-le’gian.1

2. Thou shalt not covet either thy neighbour’s keg or his girlfriend, unless thou shalt have drank thine own keg and be beer-goggling.2

3. Thou shalt have no other gods before me, for I am a jealous God and I have self-esteem problems that I’m going to CAPS for plus that bulimia thing, and you never call me anymore and I think you’re breaking up with me and do these shorts make me look like I have a fat butt?3

4. Honor thy father and mother and thy brothers and sisters but don’t worry about the pledges. They deserve everything that’s comin’ to ‘em, verily.4

5. Verily, verily, verily, verily, life is but a dream!5

6. Anyone caught who maketh fun of the Bible (for they thinketh that they are funny) will be fined and given a stern talking-to.6

7. Thou shalt not toast cheese in the Holy Dining Hall toasters, for the cheese drippeth much and is disgusting, sayeth the Lord.7

8. Thou shalt not covet a second entree. Nor shalt thou get one entree and then put thine tray down by the salad bar and get back in line. People starveth in Rho’de Is-land’, who would be happy to have that Senate Bean soup, you little whippersnappers.8

9. Thou shalt not treat yield signs like stop signs. If you stop at a yield sign when no car is coming the other direction, people will crash into you and you will dieth, so cometh not crying to me about your little problems. And don’t think I won’t send you straight to Hell, just like if you were run over by a Yugo.9

And the number ten reason not to disobey God is — Paul, drum roll please…

10. Thou shalt use the Force, Luke.

The Book of Freddie Mercury

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me.79

For meeeeeee! (the guitar soloeth here)

Job, 7:29 (Lap time)

And the Lord said unto Satan, “whence comest thou?”11

The Ticket Lady said unto the Lord, from going to and fro in the Earth, and walking up and down in it like a big ol’ game of “Chutes and Ladders.”44 

And the Lord said unto the Ticket Beast, “Hast thou considered my servant Todd Flora? Ha ha ha, nay, just kidding. Imean, hast thou considered my servant Job? A perfect and upright man, that feareth God and escheweth up and espitteth out Evil (“Thumbs Up,” page 9)?”Ã3

Yea, and the Lord did shine the light of Heaven down upon a small freshman — who was temporarily blinded by the light and promptly wrecked his car, driving wildly even into the Lake of Westhampton, which has since become holy because of it — and the freshman was named Job.5% apr “He is in thine hand, o Ticket Wench,” the Lord sayeth, “and still shall he love me and dwell in the Golden Spider Web.”

The Beast beateth not about the bush.55 mph Verily he made the freshman decide to major in accounting and biology on the pre-med track.3 Then moved he to give the Freshman an English professor for IDCC.2 Job wept, and called to God for relief, but the Lord respondeth not, for the Lord checkedeth not his Au-dix’ very often.83 Then the Beast did make Mononucleosis grow within the body of Job, and Job could drink no beer.6 The Beast scheduled Rush for the whole month of No-vem’ber, when Job’s — and everyone else’s — workload was heaviest, but Job did strive and Rush and work and sleepeth he did not.9 

“Damn,” sayeth the Beast. And the Beast went to the Lord and said “O Lord, he cannot be destroyed. I surrender unto you the men of this valley. And bite me.” And the Lord did rejoice, and he called to Job, and explained that it had been a joke — you know, funny ha-ha, and removed the mono, and made Job a sociology major and returned Rush to the first ten days of November, where it had worked so well before.1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me And Job did glare at the Lord and did raise unto him the sacred finger of middle position, and did raise it, and flippedeth he Him the bird, and transferredeth Job unto Sou-thern’ Me’tho-dist U-ni-ver’si-ty, in the land of the people of the Red-necks’.

The Gospel of Luke Skywalker 3:9 – 3:42, mountain time zone

And the Angel of the IFC spoke to them, saying “Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all men. For unto you is born this day, in the City of David a Savior, which is Alison Bartel the Lord.”3,487 And verily did the people thereupon stone the Angel and dump their beers on him.™

The Revelations of St. Liz the Phair 36:24:36

And the signs of the Apocalypse were seven of number, whereupon the scroll would be opened and much ass would be whipped.99 And the signs of the coming of the Beast were:

The Beast would be only $7.99 per case at Standard … 

Whoops, wrong Beast. Never thou mindeth.  Ahem. The signs were:

First: The wussy one, of the many nose jobs, (Mi-chael’ Jack-son) and the daughter of the King (we meaneth Lisa Marie Presley) would smoocheth in public on the MTV Video Music Awards, and verily it would be disgusting.6

Second: There would be MTV at all, and it would play ‘round the clock videos of he who sucketh completely (Tom’ Jo-nes) and occasionally They That Sucketh Not, which would be cool, huh-huh, huh-huh, verily.66

Third: The great rains would pour from the Heavens, then clear up in the afternoon, with a high of 65, and partly cloudy skies forecast for tomorrow with a 35 percent chance of raining, flaming death falling from the skies.666

Fourth: Thy anointed leader, though his name soundeth verily like some sort of fungal infection of the naughty bits (Newt Gin-grich’), would become Speaker of the House.23 Also, he would get pizza for his dinner, yum-yum.

Fifth: The shining palace on the hill where lives the harlot of Babylon, the Evil Lord who selleth Fried Chicken and nice fresh vegetables (U-krop’), shall beckon unto ye and ye shall go and get the Potato Wedges and some Cole Slaw.$1.25 

Sixth: When Richmond wins a basketball game, checketh thou the Weather Channel because thou then knowest that Hell hath frozen over.0

Seventh: And the rulers shall convene and so shall they join to erect amongst ye a place of festival and mirth, and so shall they act even as to name it after the loam in which dwells amongst the icky creatures and the dirty laundry: The Cel-lar’ but it shall be misnamed, for it shall rise above the ground.#9 And lo, it shall open and the nectar shall be sold for $21 per bottle and the managers shall deny the nectar to the young and infirm and so shall this new place suck.1.21 gigawatts 

And so was loosed upon the world the Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse. The first horseman was Famine, and he smote the chicken sandwich and bacon and thus made them separate entrées so that the people did starve.007 The second horseman was Pestilence, he that giveth head colds and just general icky feelings on rainy days. The third horseman was War, and he immediately smoteth all the ROTCstudents so that everyone might actually sleep in in the morning undisturbed.76 (trombones led the big parade)

And then was loosed the Fourth Rider, in a pale uniform: and he was Flagboy.867-5309 He turned to the fans and screamethed something that soundedeth an awful lot like a moose in heat.

AAAAAAoooooGAH!13

The horsemen spread disease and destruction throughout the land, and still could not getteth their picture in the yearbook.55 Eventually, they halted their mayhem, and tooketh up the more evil practice of University administration.

… And from the fire there rose the Anti-Roop, the destroyer of all things good, who smiteth all things cute and furry. And the Beast laid waste to the lands of Ash-ke’toth, and Mog’da-zur and Kel-ler Hall’, and the Beast did ride about in a little electric cart and give out tickets.8

But the Ticket Beast did take a nasty bump on the noggin,42 and go to the Health Center where it was diagnosed by the old nurse of great crankiness that it was, verily, syphillis, consumption and the Clap.? 

So the Beast was cast down into the fiery pits of Ko-do-gorm’ and boy did it sucketh greatly.3

Thus did it endeth happily and such.2 And at last sayeth the Lord, “Look out for the return of Roop, the Anointed One.1 Watch the skies! For surely he is coming soon.”the end

Coming Soon:

The U of R Good News Bible, available in finer overpriced bookstores.

By The Dead Editors’ Society (Jeffrey Carl, Paul Caputo and Scott Shepard)

An elite strike team formed of current and former Collegian Op-Ed section editors, the “Dead Editors’ Society” columns were my favorite things to write in college. Under the cover of multiple authorship, it also gave us cover to express all of the most maliciously funny snide comments that we had, since we could always blame each other if someone cornered us about the nasty things we’d said. I’d also like to note up front that all of the lines referencing Nazis were by Scott Shepard. If you didn’t go to the University of Richmond during that time frame, most of the jokes will seem riotously unfunny to you. Actually, they’ll probably seem riotously unfunny even if you did go there. Anyway, these were a lot of fun to do.

Mr. Carl — Minister of Propaganda

Mr. Caputo — Grand Poobah

Mr. Shepard — Chancellor

You may have noticed that it is cold outside. We here at The Collegian blame the administration for this travesty entirely. Consequently, the elite Columnist Commando Strike Team has now seized control of this old school and placed it in the Iron Grasp of the Old School columnists.

That’s right, we staged a coup (pronounced coop, like Roop).

As a further consequence, the administration of this University now lies in the hands of the First Triumvirate: Chancellor Scott Shepard, Grand Poobah Paul Caputo and Minister of Propaganda Jeffrey Carl. Suck it up.

Do not attempt to adjust your newspaper. We are in control.

This is not to say that our new administration will not be a benevolent, fair and happy one after we are finished killing everyone we don’t like. But there are going to be a few changes around here.  So listen up, Pretzel Boy.

We are The Man, and we are putting you down.

• You know what the old saying: “Good fences make good neighbors.” But that has nothing to do with this. The saying we were talking about is “You have to raze it to the ground before you can build it up again.” We think that’s a horrible expression. Nonetheless, in that spirit, let the razing begin.

The following people will report to The Collegian office by 8 a.m. Friday morning to turn in all of their keys, official papers, copy cards and organ donation specifications: The Ticket Lady, who will be available for flaying, for a small fee; Flagboy, who will carry a Guatemalan flag so no one will identify him with UR; Len Goldberg, enough said; Jim Marshall, who has called for his last run up the middle; all sorority spirit chairs for a massive program of adrenalin suppression and Ritalin dependency.

The Pep Band, if we still have one, will report to The Collegian office with a new school song based on the tune of “Suck It,” by Buttsteak.

The following activities have been forbidden on pain of death by jogging: Using the word “Psych” for any reason other than naming your major; applying to the Jepson School; sheltering Max Vest from the execution committees; writing up a good party; running up the middle; and being in “9 Divine.”

All University ties to the Baptists will be severed. The new campus religion to which everyone will adhere is The Force, as in, “Use The Force, Flagboy.”

• Never fear that our new administration will ignore the pressing need for a new social space and the even more pressing need for a name for that social space. Here is the NEW list of choices for the social space’s name:

• Jepson’s Place

• That Phunky Phat Crib

• The Chuck Wagon

• Awful Alison’s (no happy hours allowed)

• Curly, Moe and Beer Shemp

• The Scraggly Old Campus Dog Memorial Social Space

• The Social Space That Doesn’t Have a Name

• But the NEW administration realizes that there is a need for more than one social space. So we have decided to turn the basement of Jepson Hall, which will be renamed the Caputo School of Followership Studies, into a food court. The food court will include Taco Bell, Denny’s, one of those frilly bagel places, a Waffle House or two and the Tobacco Company, which will be complimentary to all members of the new adminstration and their dates.

• The Dining Hall, which will be renamed as the Sieg Heil-man Pebbles Dining Center, will undergo serious changes, and we’re not just talking about spiking the Garden Burgers with lard. All students will be issued a new ID, stamped with either a “J,” for Jock, an “F/SC,” for Fratboy/Sorority Chick or a “L,” for independent. Upon entering the dining area, which will still be called the dining area, students will be required to present their IDs to the official DHKGB, the Dining Hall Police. You will sit in the appropriate section, and you know what we mean, or be eliminated.

Watch your ass, Compton.

Also, Pebbles will be named as the Secretary for Fried or Baked Chicken under the new administration. And there will be no more of this “Stir Fry” garbage. Ever.

• The shake-ups will not, however, end at the D-Hall door.  Oh, no no no no. Campus organizations should prepare for imminent transformation.

ROTC and the Lambda Coalition shall be merged. Forget “don’t ask don’t tell”; the new policy is “you don’t even need to ask.” The uniforms will be changed from deciduous-forest camouflage to night-at-the-ballet camouflage.

VAC and Virginia Cool members shall be shipped off to Namibia, where they can do all of the “community service” that they could ever have wished for, and where they will be too far away to nag the rest of us.

Bacchus will purchase six kegs of “Night Train” a week to support campus-wide vomit-fests and “English Nite” parties (all the fun is driving on the wrong side of the road) on the intramural fields.

Community Through Diversity will still do nothing but sell T-shirts.

All of the various and sundry honor societies across campus will be merged into one, will hold one group meeting (which no one will attend), and will vote to dissolve themselves permanently. As a special evil dissolution clause for science people, the members of Beta Beta Beta will either be forced to join Delta Delta Delta or be dissolved in vats of their own acids.

• Because all of the members of the new ruling Journalism Junta (pronounced Hoornaleesm Hoonta) are liberal arts majors and suffer from serious inferiority complexes about their utter inability to get jobs after graduation that include paychecks, some changes will be made to ensure that misery has company.

Henceforth, all accounting and finance classes will be taught only in Senegalese. What? No business students know any foreign languages? Tough, Pretzel Boy. You’ll just have to get by as best you can. Moreover, all science students will be required to answer all test questions and write all lab reports in iambic pentameter. All work not perfectly following that aesthetic form — and managing to draw wistful allusions to Shakespeare’s drinking problem in later life — will receive a grade of “F.” Students who continue to attend the business school — which will be renamed the Dalcon Shield School of Business Management — will be required to wear green eyeshades. Students who continue to take more than one class per semester in the Gottlieb Science Building will have pocket protector tatoos imprinted on their chests. Computer science majors — yes, both of them — will be forced to fix my computer every time it gives one of those cryptic error messages like “Sorry! Mac not feeling like it today! [-0376].” Looters and Law School students will be shot. 

• To redress some of the most fundamental grievances about University of Richmond, some new mandatory classes will be added to the curriculum. IDCC has been changed to IDGC — the Interdisciplinary Golf Course. All students will be required to take at least two semesters and will be graded on their handicaps. All current IDCC professors will serve as caddies.

• The University of Richmond will, as befits its new ambitions, pursue not only new internal policies but will develop foreign policies as well. As of now, the University of Richmond has declared war on Croatia. Also, while the United States as a whole has generally maintained good relations with the secluded island nation of Rhode Island, their ambassadors will be expelled. Lichtenstein is next on our hit list.

• Against the objections of one of the Triumvirate members, we have decided on a plan to further demoralize independent students, The Collegian will now refer to each student mentioned in any of its articles by name, then Greek organization. For example:

The column was written by Jeffrey Carl (KA); Scott Shepard (KA); and Paul Caputo (Nothing).

• There will definitely be changes in the way sporting events happen around here.

First, the football team will, from here on out, be replaced on a weekly basis with the intramural team that has the best record in Hardyball. During the games, the Pep Band will play songs it thinks are funny, such as “Glory, Glory Hallelujah,” when UR gets a first down, or “Wipeout,” when the team tries to run the ball up the middle and gets tackled for a loss.

Every frat guy who shows up at the game wearing a tie will be taken into custody and forced to eat it.

As far as basketball goes, Kass Weaver will become the team’s player/manager and Bill Dooley will serve as his waterboy.

At basketball games, the cheerleaders, especially Flagboy, will sit down during free throws so that the fans can actually see what’s going on. Also, for the last 10 minutes of each game, a different Spiderette will be selected to point guard the team. Adam Ward will choose the Spiderette.

• The University of Richmond, like any other sovereign body, needs the trappings of officiality to preserve its integrity and make it seem cool. Accordingly, all of the school’s official symbols are being changed except for the “Purina Dog Chow” logo, which will be used exclusively in connection with the Dining Hall.

• Official Alma Mater: “We Will Rock You,” by Queen

• Official Sports Mascot: that little wiener dog that walks around the lake

• State Bird: the dead mutant duck that used to live here

• Official Motto: Roop: Nolo Es, or, loosely translated, “Time to make the donuts.”

• Admissions standards are going to be a bit different now, thank you. First and foremost will be the Aerosmith Girl Scholarship Endowment (if you know what I mean) fund to pay for really hot girls to come here. All guys admitted to the college must be uglier than Messrs. Caputo, Carl or Shepard, which will narrow down the field quite a bit and allow for a Richmond College class of between eight and ten students per year. This will free the Richmond-side dormitories for use as enormous Laser Tag arenas and harem space.

Also, all prospective students must sign a new honor code whereby they pledge never to say “Buh-bye” unless they plan to get pummeled.

All newcomers must also have seen the entire Star Wars trilogy (see “religions” in column one).

Watch the skies! Beware! Our reign of terror and stuff like that has only begun. For years now we have bitched and bitched about stuff on campus and now, Pretzel Boy, we’re actually gonna do it.

Do not think, however, that you, John or Jane Q. Public, do not have an important say in the new regime: simply send in a letter with your suggestions to The Collegian office and we will take a good hard look at your ideas and laugh at them and laugh at you and then probably try to come and kill you anyway. That’s because we here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.