Horrorscope of the Stars

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

The Westmoreland News, July 14 1994

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Editor’s Note: We here at the Westmoreland News pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  We have received numerous requests from our readers to stop making the horoscopes funny.  This aroused some confusion, as we really didn’t think they were funny to begin with.  However, your wish is our command, and this represents the final issue of the Mysterious Professor Zoltan’s tenure as Staff Astrologer.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):  Well that’s just great.  They’re firing me.  Wonderful.  I hate you all.  Do you hear me?  I’m gonna go down the subscription list and come to everybody’s  house with a bazooka.  Oh?  You want a horoscope?  Here’s your flippin’ horoscope: I’m having a rotten week and I think you should too.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Consider  your business dealings with strangers carefully.  Make your move to let someone know you care.  Eat lots of fruit.  And believe everything you read.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): There is a great amount of money in your future this week.  Unfortunately, it is somebody else’s money.  Stay alert this week: opportunities are here!  They are bad opportunities, but they’re opportunities anyway. 

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Be careful in your business dealings this week: don’t fall for that old “I’ll trade you two tens for a five” trick.  Avoid Tauruses and corrugated aluminum siding. 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Alright, you didn’t send me any money, so here’s your horoscope: you will die in the next 24 hours.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): This is the dawning of the aaage of Sagittariuuuus!  da-dah The aaage of … that just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?  Never mind.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You should take yourself too seriously this week.  Like me.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Be sure to recycle this week: cans, bottles, motor oil, unwanted family members, you name it.  Keep an eye open for something which will happen this week and don’t worry about something else, which will not happen.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Did you send me any money last week?  Huh?  No!  Nobody did!    Do you think it’s easy coming up with horoscopes week after week?  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to cash checks addressed to “The Mysterious Professor Zoltan?”  Well, no money – no horoscope. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This would be a good week to stay home and catch up on soaps.  Avoid Sagittariuses and rat poison.