Tag: Mysterious Professor Zoltar

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Astrologer’s Note: Remember what I said about quitting last week?  Well, I lied.  Partly, anyway.  This week’s horoscope section is actually a “Do-it-yourself” kit to allow you, the reader, to interpret the puzzling signs of the inexorable motions of the stars and stuff like that.  Then, having a guide to all of life’s little omens and portents, you can forecast your future yourself and you won’t have to shell out all 35 cents for a newspaper.

OMENS AND THEIR PROPER INTERPRETATION

Comet colliding with planet in your astrological constellation: Stay home in bed.  But don’t panic yet; this is only the sixth sign of the seven to signal that the Revelations of St. John the Divine are coming to pass.

Comet colliding with planet in your neighborhood: This means you should have moved out six months ago.

Solar eclipse in your constellation: A time of great change.  Nickles, dimes, and quarters will eerily appear throughout your room, as if by magic.

Lunar eclipse in your constellation: Time to change favorite radio stations.

Strangely reddish sunset: A time of reversal, with great chaos to come: gravity will fail, Hulk Hogan will be dethroned as World Wrestling Federation champion, Russian President Boris Yeltsin will appear as a character called “Spanky” on Seinfeld, and Westmoreland News horoscopes will become funny.

Strangely reddish sunrise: You’re either getting up too early or going to bed too late.

Black cat walks in front of your car: Time to rotate your tires.

Wild turkey walks in front of your car: Time to change bourbons.

Moose walks in front of your car: Time to hit the brakes.

On the eve of the Ides of March, meteor showers are seen, statues weep, and lions and flaming apparitions walk the streets: You will be asassinated the next day on your way to the Senate by Lucius Brutus and Caius Cassius.  Your adopted son Octavian will eventually rule the Empire as Augustus, and you will be deified.  Rome will encompass most of the known world within 150 years, but in time, internal decadence and external military pressures will force the splitting of the Empire.  The city of Rome will be sacked by Alaric the Vandal in 410 A.D. and the last Western Roman Emperor will be deposed by Visigoths in 476.  So you should probably stay home.

Your clothes are stinky: Wash them.

You take stuff that is supposed to be a joke in the newspaper too seriously: Don’t read it.

Ed McMahon appears in your constellation: This is the seventh sign.  It’s all over.

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Astrologer’s Note: Okay, I’m really finished this time.  You won’t have the Mysterious Professor Zoltan to kick around any more.  I’m outta here.  Hey – would I lie?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your money problems can be solved easily: send all of your money to me, and then you won’t have any to worry about.  Remember, that address is:

Mysterious Professor Zoltan

c/o The Westmoreland News

Montross, VA 22520

Cash or money order preferred.  

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Share a smile with someone this week.  But don’t share your toothbrush.  That’s disgusting.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You know what?  On the day that they covered Libras in Horoscope School, I played hooky and went to a Phillies game.  Sorry.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Your lucky day for the lottery is June 23, 1993.  I hope you were playing that day.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Don’t you think it’s weird that you drive on a parkway, and you park on a driveway?  Yeah, well I think that’s weird, too.  Oh, and some stuff will happen to you this week, also.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Orion is moving into the house of Gemini, as is Sirius.  That either means that you will have a romantic weekend or that you will grow an extra head.  I’m not sure which. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Take some time to relax this week.  Kick back with some lemonade.  Unplug the phone for a while.  Shoot out the televsion if Richard Simmons is on it.  Blame household messes on “those darn invisible muskrats.”  Call up “Judy the Time/Life Books Operator” and ask her out.  It’s okay.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): I predict that if you play for a Major League Baseball team this week, you will go on strike.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You will discover the secret formula for X-ray goggles that really work.  Flushed by scientific achievement, you will go out to celebrate your discovery and the neighbors’ dog will eat all your research.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Eat more apples.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Have you ever considered just changing your birthday?  

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Strive for immortality this week.  You know how Benjamin Franklin said that the only two certainties in life are “death and taxes?”  Well, you can apply to the government for special tax-exempt status!  See if you can figure out whom to apply to to get death-exempt status.

Horoscope Special:

I received a letter this week containing a bunch of green paper with “funny money” written on it and a question.  This is obviously a) a disturbed individual with b) much too much free time who c) should not be allowed access to the Xerox machine.  However, their question was a fair one:  when will “when pigs fly” be?  Here is a quick guide to this type of occurrence:

When pigs fly: April 9, 1991.  I hope you were watching that day, because they did.

When the cows come home: Duh.  At dinner-time.

When Hell freezes over: Next March 7th.

When the Cubs win the pennant: October 12, 2639.

When Westmoreland News horoscopes are funny: Good luck.

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Editor’s Note: We here at the Westmoreland News pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  We have received numerous requests from our readers to stop making the horoscopes funny.  This aroused some confusion, as we really didn’t think they were funny to begin with.  However, your wish is our command, and this represents the final issue of the Mysterious Professor Zoltan’s tenure as Staff Astrologer.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22):  Well that’s just great.  They’re firing me.  Wonderful.  I hate you all.  Do you hear me?  I’m gonna go down the subscription list and come to everybody’s  house with a bazooka.  Oh?  You want a horoscope?  Here’s your flippin’ horoscope: I’m having a rotten week and I think you should too.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Consider  your business dealings with strangers carefully.  Make your move to let someone know you care.  Eat lots of fruit.  And believe everything you read.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): There is a great amount of money in your future this week.  Unfortunately, it is somebody else’s money.  Stay alert this week: opportunities are here!  They are bad opportunities, but they’re opportunities anyway. 

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Be careful in your business dealings this week: don’t fall for that old “I’ll trade you two tens for a five” trick.  Avoid Tauruses and corrugated aluminum siding. 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Alright, you didn’t send me any money, so here’s your horoscope: you will die in the next 24 hours.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): This is the dawning of the aaage of Sagittariuuuus!  da-dah The aaage of … that just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?  Never mind.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You should take yourself too seriously this week.  Like me.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Be sure to recycle this week: cans, bottles, motor oil, unwanted family members, you name it.  Keep an eye open for something which will happen this week and don’t worry about something else, which will not happen.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Did you send me any money last week?  Huh?  No!  Nobody did!    Do you think it’s easy coming up with horoscopes week after week?  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to cash checks addressed to “The Mysterious Professor Zoltan?”  Well, no money – no horoscope. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This would be a good week to stay home and catch up on soaps.  Avoid Sagittariuses and rat poison.

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This is a good week for something, but now I don’t remember what it was.  Sorry.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Let me put it this way: somebody up there can’t stand you. Also, this would be a good week to quit smoking, because I’m quitting smoking this week and I want somebody else to be as miserable as I am. 

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): This week you will reach your highest intellectual peak as you think of a revolutionary new process for printing by putting moveable type on to a reusable printing press.  Then you will realize that Gutenberg thought of that already, about 400 years ago, and feel really silly.  But it’s the thought that counts. 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Don’t be afraid to stand up for what’s yours this week.  Unless you don’t want it, in which case you’d better sit down before anybody realizes it’s yours.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Pisces women: avoid Taurus men this week: they are lazy, crude, insensitive, and have one-track-I’m-interested-in-just-one-thing-baby-and-I’m-not-talking-about-Yahtzee minds. Then again, so do all men.  Go figure.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Would you like to get a degree at home?  Refrigeration technology?  Gun repair?  TV or VCR repair?  Well, tough luck.  But you can order the do-it-yourself Astrologer kit  from the Westmoreland News.  In twenty-six short weeks, you too can be a fully accredited astrologer, just like the Mysterious Professor Zoltan.  Just send lots and lots of money to:

Mysterious Professor Zoltan

c/o The Westmoreland News

Montross, VA. 22520

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): This week you should do some things.  You should also not do other things.  There are also things which you might or might not do, and these things may or may not be lucky depending upon what you did in the first place.  I can’t tell you any more without spoiling the whole thing.  

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Earnlay a ewnay anguagelay isthay eekway.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): This week you will be contacted by space aliens who will take you to a faraway planet and show you the mysteries of the universe.  You will also be contacted by illegal aliens who will take you to a faraway alley and steal your wallet.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.  Da – dah-da-dah-dah-da – dum -da-dah … the aaaage of Aquaaariiuuuuuuus!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): It may not be anything serious, but you do look kinda pale.  

By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar

Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This is a week to explore your really wild side.  Consider getting a super-size Grand Poobah Meal at McDonald’s this week instead of the regular size.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You really should donate some money to a good cause this week.  One good cause, for example, is me.  So send lots and lots of cash to:

Mysterious Professor Zoltan

c/o The Westmoreland News

Montross, VA. 22520  

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): A stranger will tell you that you look like a movie star this week.  Unfortunately, they’re talking about the monster in Vortag the Slag Creature, but it’s the thought that counts.  Avoid Geminis and avoid ever admitting that you used to have the Richard Simmons’ Sweating to the Oldies videocassettes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): This would be a good week to give up that old glue-sniffing habit.  Be careful around volatile Libras and high-explosives testing sites.  Avoid high-cholesterol foods and grumpy people with shotguns this week.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Some stuff will happen to you this week.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Take time to remember your loved ones this week.  If nobody loves you, then never mind.  If there’s someone who has dumped you and you miss them, then aim lower next time. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): This is a special week for you financially: if you keep your eyes peeled and your nose to the ground and you follow up on a special hint given to you this week … you’ll lose your shirt and end up lying in the middle of the road drinking cheap wine and telling everybody that the squirrels are talking to you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Did you know the scientific process used to make these horoscopes?  Psychic Astrologers like myself have mystic dart boards, covered with star signs.  We make up forecasts, throw the darts, and whatever star sign the dart lands in gets that horoscope.  Seriously.  Jeanne Dixon does it all the time.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your divorce from Catherine of Aragorn this week will cause great distress in the kingdom.  Seek to found an Anglican church by allying with the German princes protesting Pope Innocent VII’s power over the Holy Roman Emperor and his political domination of the Bourbon aristocracy in France.   Also remember to get a haircut.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): This is a bad week for financial dealings.  This is also a bad week for arguing with loved ones or even unloved ones.  In fact, this is going to be a just plain stinky week all the way around.  Give up and go back to bed.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Look on the bright side.  You’re not an Aquarius.  And that Mickey Mantle card you thought you lost could turn up in an old copy of Playboy you thought your Mom threw away 20 years ago.  

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Do you ever wonder if trees can dream?  Then you have too much free time.  Get a life this week.  Avoid Pisces and drinking moldy eggnog.